Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know if it were me, I would just not go. As far as being supportive of your husband, he's an adult. He knows his father mistreats both of you and others, and he chooses to put up with it. Well I am an adult who would choose not to put up with it. That family is sick, dysfunctional, and pathetic. By not going you save yourself and maybe even serve as a wake up call to the rest of them.
This is my thinking too. You can't control anyone else's actions, only your own. Refuse to put up with the BS. Stay home.
And you don't have to come up with any excuses, either. As someone else posted, your refusal to attend should be based on one true and honest thing: "I'm done."
Why do you and your spouse have to go to your in-laws house for holidays?
If your husband wants to see his siblings and/or his mother can't he see them at other times?
Maybe, I am naïve but I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who was abusive to me and to my spouse. I would just say "No, I (we) aren't going to your parents house."
Can't you do that (just say "No")? What if you had a reasonable excuse? What if you visit some of your relatives (especially out of town relatives)? What if you and Hubby took a trip instead of going to his parents house?
My husband would get upset if I just said no... Sometimes people just have to go...
Well op his behavior is incredibly racist and horrible. They make excuses for him which is ridiculous. Your husband makes excuses for him? C'mon... Well just be nasty right back; but it'll go so above his head because he's so narrow minded...
Sounds to me more like she's a frightened, battered wife .... if not physically (which we don't know about) at least emotionally/psychologically which IS very evident if the man monitors her phone calls and won't let her go anywhere without him. He's controlling her and she has no choice except to enable him and make excuses for him, otherwise she knows she or other family members will suffer consequences from him. It actually sounds like the whole family has been emotionally/psychologically abused by that man to the point they all have battered family syndrome. They have all given in to his control and abuse instead of fighting back. It's a very real thing.
Daylux, it seems clear to me the whole family has been emotionally abused and controlled but do you know whether or not there's been domestic violence having happened within that family?
.
She might be a frightened, emotionally abused wife. OP and spouse might have a discussion about this with a neutral party, such as a marriage counselor.
For a number of years it happened to work out that I attended holiday parties hosted by my sister's inlaws. Her FIL and his brother (dear Uncle Ned) were rude, aggressive cads. Kind of felt sorry for the MIL as she seemed like a nice person. However, she did let them get away with their behavior. Her bed, her business. I remember being introduced to dear Uncle Ned. As part of the introduction my sister mentioned my profession. His reply, on meeting this complete stranger and houseguest for the first time, was "Oh great. Just another parasite on the American taxpayer." He was dead serious. Sad thing was, my sister thought it was hilarious.
After that, FIL and dear Uncle Ned seemed to look forward to cornering me in conversation, demanding my opinion on some work-related controversy and then ridiculing it, laughing and shouting over anything I said. There were other family members who seemed to agree, but they weren't so aggressive about it. My sister never ran interference with any of them. I am capable of standing up for myself, but I'm not going to create multiple scenes at family parties. Most of that family made my skin crawl. So, I'd avoid FIL and dear Uncle Ned, diffuse and deflect hot topics they'd try to start in on, minimize the amount of time I had to spend with them, found excuses to arrive late, leave early. It worked for a while.
One year we all met for a fancy dinner at a posh restaurant instead of their house. There were probably 12 around the table. Same garbage started up. My sister even kicked it off by bringing up some controversial issue my office had been dealing with and ridiculed it. Right in front of me. I'd had enough. I stood up and in a calm voice loud enough for the room to hear, apologized on behalf of our party for the disturbance, explaining that some of them had been drinking for hours and were now staggeringly soused. Then I called a server over suggesting they start calling multiple cabs because they probably weren't safe to drive home. The table was silent. I asked how they liked being humiliated, and left them sitting there.
Melodramatic? Vindictive? Maybe. It felt GREAT! Declined all future invitations from that family. If they asked why, I told them.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-24-2019 at 03:42 PM..
I know someone in a very similar situation, which makes me wonder… What’s the end game?
Someone I know supposedly gets a huge pay out when the abuser finally kicks it. Not like $1 million, like tens of millions. A life changing amount of money.
Apparently the whole family feels the same way, and they all put up with it for the same reason. It’s sad, and the saddest part is it appears the abuser knows what he’s doing but knows he holds the purse strings and doesn’t care. And no one’s going to walk our on all that money.
I know someone in a very similar situation, which makes me wonder… What’s the end game?
Someone I know supposedly gets a huge pay out when the abuser finally kicks it. Not like $1 million, like tens of millions. A life changing amount of money.
Apparently the whole family feels the same way, and they all put up with it for the same reason. It’s sad, and the saddest part is it appears the abuser knows what he’s doing but knows he holds the purse strings and doesn’t care.
And no one’s going to walk our on all that money.
And, I wonder if the abuser will end up "getting the last laugh" after he is dead by leaving all of his money to charity or to his dog or to total strangers instead of his "loving" family that put up with abuse for years.
And, I wonder if the abuser will end up "getting the last laugh" after he is dead by leaving all of his money to charity or to his dog or to total strangers instead of his "loving" family that put up with abuse for years.
Who knows. And my friend makes good money, but that carrot on the stick...
The saving grace is this isn’t like an impediment on his life. They enjoy their lives, and barely talk about it... But when it’s family holiday time, you can tell the mood change.
__________________ Solly says — Be nice!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Solly says — Be nice!
