Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Who knows. And my friend makes good money, but that carrot on the stick...
The saving grace is this isn’t like an impediment on his life. They enjoy their lives, and barely talk about it... But when it’s family holiday time, you can tell the mood change.
Well, if it is just a few holiday dinners a year, I bet that most people would put up with a lot if the payoff might be tens of millions of dollars. Hmmm, are they looking for "a new relative"? I'm available.
The holidays are coming which means some of us have to spend time with people we don't like. Call it family politics, conditioning, going along to get along...there's no getting out of this so not an option not to go.
I have gone beyond dislike to disgust for my FIL. For example, a couple years ago he sent a dead mother joke on the anniversary of my mother's death, but hid the recipients on the text so no one else would see that it was sent to me as well (everyone knows when my mother died). So not only is he evil, he's sneaky. He also calls Asians chinks, gooks etc (you know the type). It's beyond dislike to repulsion and I have to break bread with him next week when I find it hard to be in his presence. There are very few of us, and it's always awkward. Nobody enjoys this, yet we do it.
The excuses for him are endless. "He's just ignorant, he's just an *******, he didn't have a father and never learned how to love" etc. Last year he said something totally unforgiveable, however I have to find a way to hide my dislike so I don't look like the problem.
If you have to be around someone you don't like to the extent you don't even want to look at them, how the heck do you do it? No getting out of it, it's accepted by everyone he's abusive (not just to me), nothing will change. So how?
I certainly would NOT go. I can't imagine why anyone would.
daylux, oh HELL NO would I put up w/ any of this BS! FIL would never ever see my face ever again in life. Your husband is a weak coward & until he changes his mindset, you'll just have to be STRONGER & not go w/ him to these get-togethers.
FIL is a waste of space on this earth, so why should anyone care if they still consort w/ him?! Who cares. Your husband should never, ever care if he ever sees his father ever again. Your husband acts like the father is rich & he's going to be inheriting some BIG money or something one day so he's trying to stay in his good graces. Not that that's right either & he shouldn't want to feel bought.
NO ONE should care in the least to still be in contact w/ such as a vile, crass, chauvinistic, horrendous, immoral a-hole. He deserves to be all alone. My fiance's father is similar, but my fiance's been through w/ him for about the last 10 yrs & now through w/ his other 4 family members since earlier this year. My entire fiance's immediate family of 5 are all narcissistic a-holes & I stopped going w/ him to his family get-togethers long ago because I'm not going to subject myself to that nonsense of being ignored like the wallpaper, , the racist comment by a certain brother of his, being talked around me while I always tried to make the best of it & ask them about themselves. At the time, he still went because he didn't know back then what he knows now about narcissism, which we've done research on.
ALL of my fiance's 5 family members are true wastes of space & my fiance' totally agrees. He wants nothing to do w/ them at all. Wish your husband finally wisened up about his father & any other toxic family members. My fiance' feels like a great weight's been lifted.
Any husband who will be one way in the privacy of your own home, but be totally different & cater & kiss @s$ to the horrendous, toxic person isn't really in YOUR corner. He sees how FIL treats you & still never does 1 darn thing! YOU are your husband's queen or SHOULD be & he should have demanded respect for YOU, his wife & the love of his life all of these years. He apparently thinks more highly of his father & put him in a higher regard than YOU. You have a mini-FIL right in your OWN home...your OWN husband.
My fiance' told off his OWN mother because she didn't treat me right once & that was that. He's not afraid or intimidated by EITHER of his parents because what's right is right & what's wrong is wrong.
If you MUST go, here’s some ideas. Tell your husband of your plans “because I can’t tolerate your Dad” and offer him that he accepts your plans or he can choose for you to stay home:
1. Say you have come down with an awful cold and sore throat (even feign a little laryngitis) and, except for dinner, wear a surgical mask. Sit off in a corner with your dinner plate.
2. Tell them you have a test tomorrow (make up some kind of class) and either work on your stuff off in a corner or put in earbuds and say you are studying.
3. Keep your mobil phone on your person; any time you need to escape a conversation pretend it just vibrated and you have to answer...go off somewhere or outside to answer/escape. Ahead of time, tell everyone that a dear friend was just in an accident and you are apologizing in advance if you take phone calls. “I’ll put my phone on vibrate so as not to disturb anyone”
I have a cousin who always made fun of my weight. I'm overweight but my dad used to say I was just carrying some of the genes of his side of the family. I'm 5'7" and 285 lbs. Well this cousin, who I call, just around my family, the poster child for Preparation H, couldn't wait for our family reunions to try to make fun of me. When it was time for the buffet, my cousin would stand with his hand across my chest like he's holding me back, saying "Don't go up there yet! Let everybody else eat then you can finish it off". And this is loud enough for everybody to hear and some would laugh. My mother was the type where if you couldn't say anything nice, you don't say anything at all, so she didn't but you could tell she didn't like it. Finally at Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' where the cousin came with my aunt, he made a remark something along those lines. My ex (we were married at the time) looked at him and said,"What does it matter to you what he looks like? Does he have to answer to you for every bite he takes? If you don't like the way he looks, just don't look at him!" You could have heard a pin drop the rest of the dinner. He's been "polite" ever since.
How awful!
Obviously, this cousin has problems of his own. I think I would have been tempted to say, "You know, I can ALWAYS lose weight, but you'll always be an a$$hole.
The holidays are coming which means some of us have to spend time with people we don't like. Call it family politics, conditioning, going along to get along...there's no getting out of this so not an option not to go. So how?
Since your husband knows and admit to the persons attitude and has not done anything, then it's up to you to let your husband know he's going to solo the visits from now on. Or does he physically force you to go?
It might be getting closer to that point where a confrontation happens and we remove ourselves. However, I want my husband to reach his end and make that decision. At least now he knows where I stand. I told him last year I do not like his dad and he accepts that. However, nothing really has changed besides not visiting as often.
The MIL doesn't go anywhere without FIL, and FIL would raise hell if we dare take her out without him. He monitors her phone and pretends to be her through text messages. She makes excuses for him too. In fact she told me a few days ago if she texts something "weird" its just her having a dizzy spell (when we all know he texts from her number pretending to be her). It's really just an odd family dynamic the way they accept his behavior tbh. He really is just a sick person and everyone has accepted it as "that's just dad."
I stopped responding to him a few years ago because of his perverted texts, and that's why he has singled me out. I just know something awful is coming and I want to keep my composure so I don't look like the crazy one. I believe I shared some of his odd behavior on this forum here a few years back.
The entire family is enabling his behavior. I think he needs to be confronted by the entire family, an intervention of sorts, and told he needs to change his behavior and if he doesn't, then you give an ultimatum of we're not going to see you anymore. Maybe he needs to see a therapist.
Maybe if you still end up going and he says something outrageous to you, you could either respond with, "I feel so sorry for you." Or, "Why would you say something like that?" And then walk away.
You can always knock back a few drinks in preparation, take a book along and go read in the car. But I really think this is something your husband and you need to agree on and stand united.
Personally, I would just refuse to go.
And as for him pretending to be your MIL and sending texts from her phone, that is called fraud and he could get in a lot of legal trouble for that.
OR here's another game you could all play. Everytime he says something rude to someone, that person gets a point. At the end of the event, you could tally up the points and award a prize to the winner.
I agree - the MIL is an enabler. That doesn't mean she hasn't been abused (I believe she has been - definitely emotionally and perhaps physically - and other family members as well, including you - it's what he does), but by staying and dancing to his sick tune, she is an enabler and the rest of the family is too.
My dad was a classic enabler - I can spot them from miles away. My mom was bipolar and my dad constantly made excuses for her often bizarre behavior, and tried his level best to raise us kids to make excuses for her behavior too. It took me till I was in my 30s to realize that's what was going on and to break the cycle.
But these were my parents, not my inlaws - I know there is a difference and I do feel sorry for your husband. I second the suggestion of counseling - for both of you together and for him separately perhaps. He has GOT to learn to defend you, to defend RIGHT, to call out bad behavior, to establish healthy personal boundaries with his father. But you don't have time to learn all this between now and Thanksgiving! So what to do in the interim...
I would model behavior that establishes boundaries.
My FIL was not technically abusive, but he was a mean, sneaky, snarky person. The way I handled him was to go over to his house, without my husband, and I confronted him. I told him what my boundaries were. I told him how uncomfortable his behavior made me feel and I told him what the consequences of his behavior would be - and then I stuck to it. In my situation these were my boundaries - In my house, he would be respectful or I would stand up and tell him to leave and he damn sure better do it. (It never came to that.) In his house, he had more leeway to be a jerk if he wanted to be, but if he decided to do so, I would just leave. Period. (It also never came to that.) The reason I believe it never came to a head was because I confronted him and from that point on, he knew I had his ticket.
So in your FIL's case, maybe you should just confront him privately before Thanksgiving and tell him your personal boundaries. YOU need to have personal boundaries - forget waiting around on your husband to stand up for you, you stand up for yourself. And tell your husband what you've done. Then if necessary, take two cars to Thanksgiving dinner, and if your FIL says or does anything inappropriate, stand up, call him out on it in front of everyone, and then LEAVE - with or without your husband.
If you can't take two cars, take one but YOU have the keys and then you leave and just tell your husband you will come to pick him up in, say, two hours or whatever. And then go somewhere even if it's just to sit at a park and look across the hills and think. Take a book and read it till it's time to go get your husband. BE PREPARED FOR THIS is my point. Have a distinct plan to STICK UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES and then DO IT.
I bet it won't come to that though because my bet is that when you confront him privately he reins his behavior in, at least with you. With other people, unless it's grievously abusive, I'd just let them deal with it themselves.
I really like this! This is honest and direct and like most bullies, your FIL was deflated by your confrontation.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I can't imagine why anyone would.
