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I just have to ask this because I am absolutely floored by the fact that every single family member caters to this behavior- is there a substantial estate to inherit? Does he threaten disinheriting people if they don't cater to his bizarre and cruel behaviors? This is a serious question.
We do plan on addressing anything that is said or done immediately. I don't like the anxiety of confrontation; it's not in my nature at all. In fact, i'm getting a stomach ache thinking about what this Thanksgiving will bring. I brought it up last night to husband, and asked if maybe one year we could do something just the two of us, and he shut it down. He doesn't like talking about it, so I just stuff it inside and get through gatherings the best I can.
The reason I say "just an in-law" is because there is a hierarchy in the family. The in-laws are quiet and stay to the periphery and FIL is not comfortable with new people (as I have gotten to know him, I see why; he's sick) or certain family members, and tries to control who is at the gatherings. For example, at our housewarming party last summer, we invited my husband's uncle (FIL's brother) and his wife. FIL texted my husband from MIL's phone (pretending to be her) saying "if you invite _______ your dad says he's not coming." Trouble is, we had already invited them. But husband caves in to keep the peace. At the beginning of our relationship one Easter I wanted to invite my family over along with husbands, and my husband freaked out, saying his dad doesn't like new people.
I think FIL doesn't want others to see how unstable he is. He just wants his kids, grandkids and wife around who he can manipulate and play mind games with. Just a toxic unwelcoming environment. I get the feeling he is trying to drive me away because he senses I'm on to him and I don't play along with it.
But you do play along with it. By not confronting and not setting boundaries. Your husband has a lot of nerve to expect you to suffer through it. But you've been enabling your husband to take no REAL action.
You guys actually allowed your FIL to dictate which guests could come to YOUR home? That's just nuts.
There is no solution for you to take because you won't take the most reasonable course, which was either confrontation and/or setting boundaries and lessening exposure to FIL. You will have to continue suffering consequences for going along this crazy and hurtful course.
Why do you and your spouse have to go to your in-laws house for holidays?
If your husband wants to see his siblings and/or his mother can't he see them at other times?
Maybe, I am naïve but I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who was abusive to me and to my spouse. I would just say "No, I (we) aren't going to your parents house."
Can't you do that (just say "No")? What if you had a reasonable excuse? What if you visit some of your relatives (especially out of town relatives)? What if you and Hubby took a trip instead of going to his parents house?
^^This^^ Or be completely honest and tell your MIL or whoever is hosting that you prefer not to be around your FIL. If enough family members do this maybe, just maybe, he would keep his mouth shut. If somebody was so horrible that I couldn't bare to be around him/her I would not be going to any family gatherings where this person would be. Either that or if you feel you must go, make sure you are seated far away from him and ignore him completely. Don't let him know he's getting under your skin because sometimes it only encourages some of these people.
Married 10 years next year. No children. No plans.
He does not confront his dad. My husband is a different man around his family. He is usually protective of me, and strong, but will not hold his father to account. I broke down in tears when he sent that cruel joke, and that's when my husband said "okay, he's an ******* alright" as if to say "what do you want me to do about it?" It has been a source of contention for us, and he tells me there is no point in talking to him, he has tried in the past, everyone has. He and his dad have had a volatile relationship and he is not the favored son. His father has even been physically abusive to him in the past in addition to verbal.
My husband told me the things my FIL have said are unforgivable, so he gets it. We have also distanced ourselves because his dad said something pretty awful to him this past summer. My husband doesn't like being around him either, even the favored son doesn't, but again, the family is conditioned to take this so we just have to bite our tongues. I have gotten to the point that its visible I don't like him, though.
Why are you attending this dinner then? Have you both decided you have no choice? Because you really do have.
Your husband is not able to stand up to his father because he likely was emotionally abused by this type behavior while growing up.
You should convince your husband to read "Co-Dependent No more" or at least attend some support groups.
It hurts to turn your back on family...But it also hurts to continue to subject yourself to this horrible behavior.
You really can't have it both ways....Either you quit subjecting yourself to this....Or you resign yourself to it.
OK, look - I'll be generous and say that even if it was, say, $300,000 in possible inheritance one day, that IS retirement - changing. It doesn't have to be millions in order to substantially change someone's life for the better. But honestly, you have to ask yourself if this is even a reality, if he even HAS a will, and most importantly, is it worth the stress? For anything under hundreds of thousands of dollars, I'd say no - and besides that, there's no guarantee your husband will ever see a penny of that estate.
I bring this up because I dealt with this sort of thing in my own personal life. My mom was seriously mentally ill and my dad refused to accept this - he was a classic enabler and TRIED to get us kids to go along with the game. One by one, we wised up and said "No way." My dad played games with his estate and his will for decades. I finally had to just say "I don't care what happens one way or the other." I had to reach that point, which was very freeing. Would it really tick me off one day if he did something crazy with his will? Yes. I'll admit it - it would have made me angry - one day. But you know what - it would have been a one time thing, not a lifetime of playing crazy games just HOPING he would one day be fair. (In her defense, my mom would go along with whatever my dad said about paperwork, business, wills, etc - she really didn't care from what I could determine.)
Long story short, as my parents' lives wound down, they became more and more dependent on me because it became obvious that their other two children were not willing or able to step in and help them. But by then, in my forties, I had finally gone through some serious counseling and had figured out the whole healthy boundary thing (I actually did that in my thirties and it was hell for awhile but eventually they both accepted my boundaries). So I told them this:
"I am willing to help you. I am willing to be there for you. But I have conditions. First of all, you will respect me. Secondly, you will give me the tools I need to help you - starting with meeting with your attorney with you regarding estate planning. You both need a common sense will, you need general durable Powers of Attorney, with each other as the POA but with me as the back up POA. You need medical directives and we need to talk about those things now while no one is sick. I need to know your wishes. I need access to your bank accounts in case I need to pay your bills so we need to go to the bank together and discuss this with the manager and determine the best way to do this. I need to know more about your business structure and I need to meet with your CPA. And finally, and most importantly, YOU need to move closer to ME. Not the other way around. I'm the one with a job, I'm the one with family obligations here - you live in a retirement community far away from everyone. If you want my help, you have to help me help you."
THEY DID IT. And it all worked out. And with the accountability factor of me meeting with their attorney, CPA, and bankers, my dad quit playing power games with his paperwork. And get this - the will was fair, and the estate was evenly divided among the kids (if the other spouse was also deceased, which is what often happens and what DID happen with my parents - three years between their deaths).
My parents knew I would not help them unless these conditions were met. I would let them live 500 miles away and struggle every single day and spend every penny of their money on trying to get things to work if they didn't operate within my reasonable boundaries.
Yes, their estate was evenly divided and no, my two brothers didn't do much to help - but I understood their reasons and was OK with all that. I wasn't expecting special treatment - I just wasn't going to do the heavy lifting for years (and it was tough) and then be left out of the will at the end of it. No way.
Just thought I'd share my story. And by the way, this took a good twenty years to play out - from my thirties when I first began establishing boundaries and enforcing them (like I said, it was hell at first) through my forties and fifties when finally my parents came around. And then I did have to take on the stress of estate management and settlement, not to mention the care of my two elderly, sick parents one by one. It wasn't easy, but it was within my boundaries.
If they had passed away prior to redoing all their paperwork, I wouldn't have inherited anything. I had to be OK with that. And I was OK with that. They didn't regroup on their estate planning till I was about 50. I had to be OK - and I had to let it play out within my own healthy boundaries.
But you do play along with it. By not confronting and not setting boundaries. Your husband has a lot of nerve to expect you to suffer through it. But you've been enabling your husband to take no REAL action.
You guys actually allowed your FIL to dictate which guests could come to YOUR home? That's just nuts.
There is no solution for you to take because you won't take the most reasonable course, which was either confrontation and/or setting boundaries and lessening exposure to FIL. You will have to continue suffering consequences for going along this crazy and hurtful course.
"You guys actually allowed your FIL to dictate which guests could come to YOUR home? That's just nuts."
That is absolutely ridiculous! I don't know anyone who would allow that to happen.
So, your parents couldn't be invited to your house for Easter because your FIL would be uncomfortable around new people. Sheesh! Absolutely ridiculous.
Fight fire with fire. Start drinking before you arrive and continue drinking heavily. If you nod off on the couch, you get to ignore the BS. If you don't, you can at least (hic) give him a piece of (hic) your mind.
We do plan on addressing anything that is said or done immediately. I don't like the anxiety of confrontation; it's not in my nature at all. In fact, i'm getting a stomach ache thinking about what this Thanksgiving will bring. I brought it up last night to husband, and asked if maybe one year we could do something just the two of us, and he shut it down. He doesn't like talking about it, so I just stuff it inside and get through gatherings the best I can.
The reason I say "just an in-law" is because there is a hierarchy in the family. The in-laws are quiet and stay to the periphery and FIL is not comfortable with new people (as I have gotten to know him, I see why; he's sick) or certain family members, and tries to control who is at the gatherings. For example, at our housewarming party last summer, we invited my husband's uncle (FIL's brother) and his wife. FIL texted my husband from MIL's phone (pretending to be her) saying "if you invite _______ your dad says he's not coming." Trouble is, we had already invited them. But husband caves in to keep the peace. At the beginning of our relationship one Easter I wanted to invite my family over along with husbands, and my husband freaked out, saying his dad doesn't like new people.
I think FIL doesn't want others to see how unstable he is. He just wants his kids, grandkids and wife around who he can manipulate and play mind games with. Just a toxic unwelcoming environment. I get the feeling he is trying to drive me away because he senses I'm on to him and I don't play along with it.
This is absolutely outrageous! Now it's ALL coming out & daylux, the more you post, the worst it looks on YOU & YOUR HUSBAND'S parts. Yes well you've put up w/ it for years, so don't complain about him being a manipulative, toxic, mind- game-playing fool.
So now because of this 1 a-hole, you couldn't have any of your side of the family back for YOUR housewarming party at YOUR own house over for just 1 man!!!!!!
You, your husband, & all his family are ALL weak ENABLERS & your husband is a horrendous husband. You said you don't have kids. Please don't have any!
You put up w/ your husband the way your MIL puts up w/ that immoral FIL. I guess you'll stay married for 40 yrs of completely wasted years too like she is.
Looks like the narcissistic men in this family purposefully picked weak, soft, no backboned women to marry. They couldn't handle a strong woman whatsoever. They'd think they're a "nag". A lot of men do that so they can have all the power/control in the marriage but their wives are too docile to speak up. I can't even imagine how YOUR marriage is!
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