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The holidays are coming which means some of us have to spend time with people we don't like. Call it family politics, conditioning, going along to get along...there's no getting out of this so not an option not to go.
I have gone beyond dislike to disgust for my FIL. For example, a couple years ago he sent a dead mother joke on the anniversary of my mother's death, but hid the recipients on the text so no one else would see that it was sent to me as well (everyone knows when my mother died). So not only is he evil, he's sneaky. He also calls Asians chinks, gooks etc (you know the type). It's beyond dislike to repulsion and I have to break bread with him next week when I find it hard to be in his presence. There are very few of us, and it's always awkward. Nobody enjoys this, yet we do it.
The excuses for him are endless. "He's just ignorant, he's just an *******, he didn't have a father and never learned how to love" etc. Last year he said something totally unforgiveable, however I have to find a way to hide my dislike so I don't look like the problem.
If you have to be around someone you don't like to the extent you don't even want to look at them, how the heck do you do it? No getting out of it, it's accepted by everyone he's abusive (not just to me), nothing will change. So how?
The holidays are coming which means some of us have to spend time with people we don't like. Call it family politics, conditioning, going along to get along...there's no getting out of this so not an option not to go.
I have gone beyond dislike to disgust for my FIL. For example, a couple years ago he sent a dead mother joke on the anniversary of my mother's death, but hid the recipients on the text so no one else would see that it was sent to me as well (everyone knows when my mother died). So not only is he evil, he's sneaky. He also calls Asians chinks, gooks etc (you know the type). It's beyond dislike to repulsion and I have to break bread with him next week when I find it hard to be in his presence. There are very few of us, and it's always awkward. Nobody enjoys this, yet we do it.
The excuses for him are endless. "He's just ignorant, he's just an *******, he didn't have a father and never learned how to love" etc. Last year he said something totally unforgiveable, however I have to find a way to hide my dislike so I don't look like the problem.
If you have to be around someone you don't like to the extent you don't even want to look at them, how the heck do you do it? No getting out of it, it's accepted by everyone he's abusive (not just to me), nothing will change. So how?
Before I respond, I have a few questions.
How long have you been married? Does your husband say something to his father when dad says "something unforgiveable" or when he sent you a dead mother joke (on the anniversary of your mothers death)? Does your husband support you in dealing with his family, or does he always put his family before you?
Do you have children? If yes, how does FIL treat them? If no, do you plan to have children?
Married 10 years next year. No children. No plans.
He does not confront his dad. My husband is a different man around his family. He is usually protective of me, and strong, but will not hold his father to account. I broke down in tears when he sent that cruel joke, and that's when my husband said "okay, he's an ******* alright" as if to say "what do you want me to do about it?" It has been a source of contention for us, and he tells me there is no point in talking to him, he has tried in the past, everyone has. He and his dad have had a volatile relationship and he is not the favored son. His father has even been physically abusive to him in the past in addition to verbal.
My husband told me the things my FIL have said are unforgivable, so he gets it. We have also distanced ourselves because his dad said something pretty awful to him this past summer. My husband doesn't like being around him either, even the favored son doesn't, but again, the family is conditioned to take this so we just have to bite our tongues. I have gotten to the point that its visible I don't like him, though.
Why do you and your spouse have to go to your in-laws house for holidays?
If your husband wants to see his siblings and/or his mother can't he see them at other times?
Maybe, I am naïve but I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who was abusive to me and to my spouse. I would just say "No, I (we) aren't going to your parents house."
Can't you do that (just say "No")? What if you had a reasonable excuse? What if you visit some of your relatives (especially out of town relatives)? What if you and Hubby took a trip instead of going to his parents house?
I have a cousin who always made fun of my weight. I'm overweight but my dad used to say I was just carrying some of the genes of his side of the family. I'm 5'7" and 285 lbs. Well this cousin, who I call, just around my family, the poster child for Preparation H, couldn't wait for our family reunions to try to make fun of me. When it was time for the buffet, my cousin would stand with his hand across my chest like he's holding me back, saying "Don't go up there yet! Let everybody else eat then you can finish it off". And this is loud enough for everybody to hear and some would laugh. My mother was the type where if you couldn't say anything nice, you don't say anything at all, so she didn't but you could tell she didn't like it. Finally at Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' where the cousin came with my aunt, he made a remark something along those lines. My ex (we were married at the time) looked at him and said,"What does it matter to you what he looks like? Does he have to answer to you for every bite he takes? If you don't like the way he looks, just don't look at him!" You could have heard a pin drop the rest of the dinner. He's been "polite" ever since.
I cannot think of any sane reason to subject either yourself or for your husband to be subjected to this type of treatment. No amount of hoped for inheritance, the feelings of others (who allow it to go on), or any other reason would be sufficient to give a hateful bully power over your time and feelings.
As someone else said, see your other relatives at other times without FIL. Remove him from your life. Make the holidays something you and your husband can enjoy and create new traditions. Ps: your siblings can come over to your house.
It might be getting closer to that point where a confrontation happens and we remove ourselves. However, I want my husband to reach his end and make that decision. At least now he knows where I stand. I told him last year I do not like his dad and he accepts that. However, nothing really has changed besides not visiting as often.
The MIL doesn't go anywhere without FIL, and FIL would raise hell if we dare take her out without him. He monitors her phone and pretends to be her through text messages. She makes excuses for him too. In fact she told me a few days ago if she texts something "weird" its just her having a dizzy spell (when we all know he texts from her number pretending to be her). It's really just an odd family dynamic the way they accept his behavior tbh. He really is just a sick person and everyone has accepted it as "that's just dad."
I stopped responding to him a few years ago because of his perverted texts, and that's why he has singled me out. I just know something awful is coming and I want to keep my composure so I don't look like the crazy one. I believe I shared some of his odd behavior on this forum here a few years back.
Stay home. Your husband can do as he likes, and what he chooses might tell you everything you need to know about him. He is dismissive of his father's awful behavior toward you, seems to be making excuses for him, won't confront his father about his behavior toward you (his wife!). How he chooses now will reveal even more of his character.
There is no reason why you must subject yourself to your FIL's behavior. Send his emails to junk mail. Decline to accept his calls.
He has shown you what he is. Believe what you have seen. He will not change. Remove yourself from the toxic waste of his presence.
If he gets upset because you choose not to associate with him, who cares? He can't make you. No one can make you associate with him if you choose not to do so. Preserve your sanity and stay home.
ETA: If anyone asks why you decline to associate with him (as if they didn't already know), just tell them "I'm done." Be done and make it stick.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
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I don't understand the technology behind sending a text but hiding the recipients of the text?
I'm just trying to gather information before responding, because my dad was this guy until he mellowed into a completely affable old man.
Edited to add: do you enjoy being with the rest of the family?
edited to add again: This is his family. I would recommend not forcing him to choose between his family and you, if the rest of his family besides his dad is perfectly enjoyable. You can't force a whole generation to turn on a father who probably supported them, because he's a jerk. Your husband is the one who will lose out here, and it's not his fault.
Last edited by ClaraC; 11-23-2019 at 06:40 PM..
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