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Yesterday, my daughter's sister-in-law and her family came to visit for a few days. They will be there for Thanksgiving, and have been welcomed to join in the family dinner at the home of my daughter's step-mother. When they arrived, they brought presents to her husband and her daughter, but they didn't bother to give anything to her. She is hurt, but not just because she was left out, it is because his family has always treated her like she doesn't exist.
DD usually stands up for herself, yet she puts up with it because she doesn't want to cause drama, and feels that her husband should get to see his family. He, of course, is clueless, and doesn't see it when she is slighted by them. A few times she has called his attention to it, and he has defended her, however this never changes the way they treat her.
I am very angry about this, but it's "her circus and her monkeys" to deal with, so I can't make her confront them. Has anyone else been treated this way, and if so, what did you do about it?
Arg I misconstrued your post and it’s your daughter being left out. Her husband should not allow this
You teach people how to treat you by what you accept and don’t accept and unfortunately in her effort to not draw attention at how rude they are she has taught them it’s okay to treat her this way and her husband is okay with it. I would not invite or go to any relatives house that would treat my husband that way or me that way.
I agree of course the husband should not allow this mistreatment. But he is ineffective and usually ineffective doesn't change. Don't waste years of precious time to find this out. She needs to stand for herself. Maybe, hopefully, the husband will come around to respecting his wife but that's not always the case. If she's good enough about making a good case for herself....even speaking to MIL and FIL about "your son you are disrespecting by disrespecting his wife" ...they may come around but the best one can often hope for is that the MIL and FIL act the way the woman needs them to act for her and for her children.
The thing is for daughter to not really talk to them, to let them know how she feels. But more statements. Forget the feelings. Going more for the....this is what is normal and this is the way you will act in my home and in my presence kind of thing. It can take a certain amount of maturity to have this gumption but it's worth it.
Her husband needs to stand up for her. It’s his family being jerks. If he won’t, she’s got a whole other set of problems.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by petsandgardens
This is excellent.
Another thought for the daughter being mistreated (I'm getting a little confused with all the relatives)....you don't mention children. Daughter can control that visitation situation with the children if that's a factor. And actually can bring it up before she even has children. In fact she definitely should introduce this control because one wants the best for children, which includes how they see their mom treated.
And it isn't "using" the kids or any gameplaying. Just the simple awareness getting across to the inlaws that their DIL will not stand to be abused with children seeing this and learning this behavior. Their DIL will not stand for inlaws teaching inappropriate damaging behavior. Their DIL will go forward exemplifying and allowing only appropriate pattern for her children. She can tell mean inlaws 'you will not exemplify their own decline into inappropriate behavior and hold it up as appropriate'.
I have a person I will not allow into my home. Not that you do this, although if they proceed to teach your children this behavior is acceptable, it may come to it. It is not clouding my thoughts, is not making me an angry person, does not diminish anything. I handled the situation and moved on.
All the best for you and your daughter, Wounded Spirit.
Great points.
My husband had a close friend whose father was a real jerk to his wife (the friend's mother). I mean a REAL JERK. The best example, was that she would do all of the cooking (shopping, cleaning, housework, etc) and the father would not allow her to eat at the dining room table with him and their son. The wife/mother had to serve the food to them and then eat by herself in the kitchen.
The father constantly demeaned and insulted his wife in front of his child. As the son grew older he started to treat his mother in the same way. I met this person when he was a teen. He was the classic "male, chauvinist pig" and treated all girls and women like dirt because that is what he learned from his father. Not surprisingly, he treated his girlfriends and wives the same way and was divorced several times.
Get your daughter a gift and wrap it up. Give it to your son-in-law. “Jeff, since Susie gets overlooked when your family does gifts, can you please hide this and slip this in with others when gifts are exchanged so she has something too. I know I’m being a helicopter Mom but it hurts my heart to think of my sweet girl being slighted.”
This happened to a good friend of mine. She didn't get gifts when the biologically connected family did (her husband and their children) for holidays and on other occasions. Plus, her in-laws were jerks to her in other ways. Her husband was supportive and talked to his parents about it but they always "just forgot" about his wife again and again.
After this happened a few times she went very proactive. For example, one Christmas, after all the presents were opened and she did not receive anything from her in-laws she said, in front of all the extended family, "Father Jim and Mother Joan, Hubby received a thoughtful, wonderful (name of present) from you and Little Timmy and Little Mary received many thoughtful, fun gifts from you including (name of toys, types of clothing, etc). I can hardly wait to see what you gave me." Long pause, embarrassed looks on MIL & FIL's faces.
"Where is my gift?" My friend says that she physically looked under the now empty space under the Christmas tree. "Did you forget my gift in your car?" By now all the extended family are staring at the parents/in-laws in silence. After several minutes, her MIL said in a very embarrassed voice "We ordered a gift for you but it didn't arrive yet".
After that the in-laws always gave their DIL a present, too, but they continued being absolute jerks to her. DIL stopped going to her in-laws house to "help with chores, run errands, mow the lawn, etc."(as she had done previously with her spouse). After FIL died, the way that her MIL treated my friend for decades really impacted MIL's life as she needed a lot of extra help and DIL would not give her any help. My friend didn't care if her husband helped out his mother but she refused to help.
It sounds like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If she asks where her gift is, she comes across as rude and grabby. If she won't take the kids over there, she comes across as vindictive and like she's keeping her kids from having a relationship with their grandparents. If she says something, she comes across as oversensitive (especially since her husband appears to not have a problem with it if he won't stick up for her). If she doesn't go to these outings, she comes across as antisocial and petty. Unfortunately, I can't see any way she can deal with this without it reflecting badly on her (in their eyes).
However, I think she is well within her rights to not invite them to the home of *her* family!
It sounds like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If she asks where her gift is, she comes across as rude and grabby. If she won't take the kids over there, she comes across as vindictive and like she's keeping her kids from having a relationship with their grandparents. If she says something, she comes across as oversensitive (especially since her husband appears to not have a problem with it if he won't stick up for her). If she doesn't go to these outings, she comes across as antisocial and petty. Unfortunately, I can't see any way she can deal with this without it reflecting badly on her (in their eyes).
However, I think she is well within her rights to not invite them to the home of *her* family!
Not if it's phrased like germaine did above. My gosh, I am so looking forward to what you chose for me! You have such good taste. (something like that)
Not if it's phrased like germaine did above. My gosh, I am so looking forward to what you chose for me! You have such good taste. (something like that)
I'm guessing it's going to be fairly obvious anyway. The in-laws will know they didn't get her anything because they never do, they will know she knows they didn't get her anything because they never do, and probably everyone else present also knows, and knows she knows. So they will know it's an act, and it's going to look like a passive-aggressive callout (and no doubt they will certainly paint it that way).
(Now, the great thing would be if *someone else* were to ask where her gift was... especially if it's someone other than her husband.)
This happened to a good friend of mine. She didn't get gifts when the biologically connected family did (her husband and their children) for holidays and on other occasions. Plus, her in-laws were jerks to her in other ways. Her husband was supportive and talked to his parents about it but they always "just forgot" about his wife again and again.
After this happened a few times she went very proactive. For example, one Christmas, after all the presents were opened and she did not receive anything from her in-laws she said, in front of all the extended family, "Father Jim and Mother Joan, Hubby received a thoughtful, wonderful (name of present) from you and Little Timmy and Little Mary received many thoughtful, fun gifts from you including (name of toys, types of clothing, etc). I can hardly wait to see what you gave me." Long pause, embarrassed looks on MIL & FIL's faces.
"Where is my gift?" My friend says that she physically looked under the now empty space under the Christmas tree. "Did you forget my gift in your car?" By now all the extended family are staring at the parents/in-laws in silence. After several minutes, her MIL said in a very embarrassed voice "We ordered a gift for you but it didn't arrive yet".
After that the in-laws always gave their DIL a present, too, but they continued being absolute jerks to her. DIL stopped going to her in-laws house to "help with chores, run errands, mow the lawn, etc."(as she had done previously with her spouse). After FIL died, the way that her MIL treated my friend for decades really impacted MIL's life as she needed a lot of extra help and DIL would not give her any help. My friend didn't care if her husband helped out his mother but she refused to help.
This is great! Your friend sounds like my kind of person. Good for her! Too many of us wouldn't say anything and just let them get away with their awfulness.
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Feel like saying something like....
