Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My in-laws actually hated me my whole life. I put up with it through many tears and fights with my husband. I gave up and distanced myself emotionally and physically from them. I suffer from being a stoic polite Scandinavian. Now after many many decades MIL finally apologized to me for making my wedding a fiasco. Then a few years later she finally told me that my FIL actually hated me. But in their mind I had “trapped” my husband. Bear in mind we didn’t have children for 10 years. So...not really at all did I in any way trap him I told her. But they felt justified to hate me all these years. Believing a lie. I suppose they would have found another lie to believe if we had burst that bubble.
I wish I had stood up to them and parted ways with them right away. Things don’t get better. We wish and hope they will but they don’t. They only get worse.
They poisoned their entire family against me. They treated me with contempt. I became uneasy around them to the extent that I have never embraced them, physically or emotionally. My husband finally understood after a few decades and didn’t request anything of me in dealing with them.
In retrospect I would recommend her not allowing any access to her home or her children. Pull the plug on that family unless and until she gets an honest apology. Her children will see what’s happening and it will adversely affect her. They will think it is her fault that grandma and grandpa don’t like mom. Mom must be bad. They will be conflicted.
I completely understand daughter being slighted. But I do want to point out, under less than perfect circumstances, we're good to our in-laws because doing otherwise would hurt the spouse whom we love.
My attitude always has been that I needed to treat my husband's parents with love and respect, and the same for his siblings. In fact, come to think of it, I probably made more allowances for slights at the hands of his siblings and parents (not that they were that bad), than I would have from my own, because I love my husband, and I want to make him happy.
The time I finally stood up to my mother-in-law's obviously uneven treatment was over my daughter. My MIL seemed to consider her daughter's children to be her "true" grandchildren. They were both a little older than mine, and she was always too old to do anything to help with mine, even though she had done, and continued to do plenty for her daughter's children. But that didn't harm my children - it would have been very nice for me and my husband to have had help, but it didn't harm the kids, other than for the fact that they didn't have that warm fuzzy feeling of a very involved, interested grandparent. So still I kept quiet. But when my daughter, who had a really difficult time in adolescence, was slighted by my MIL planning a luncheon for "her grandaughters" and didn't include mine, even though she was right there in the house at the time, that's when I put my foot down. After that I noticed my MIL making more of an effort to include my daughter.
I guess I just never saw the relationship with the in-laws as being about me. It was about making my husband happy.
Wow! Thank you all for your responses. It is sad to see how many people have been treated poorly by their in-laws. My first husband's family didn't like me, but they never left me out of anything. It was the 70s and we lived together before we got married, so they felt that I "corrupted" their son. However, when he cheated on me, they welcomed his girlfriend with open arms. Go figure. My current MIL adores me, so I now know how it feels to be accepted as part of his family.
My daughter's in-laws think that she took their precious boy away from the family, because he moved to another state to be with her. He was more than happy to leave because they didn't treat him all that great either. When DD was pregnant with their daughter, he got very sick. His mother came out and stayed with them for a couple of weeks and MIL catered to his every whim, all the while totally ignoring my daughter.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that some people go out of their way to be cruel, but when someone is mistreating my kid (even though she is a grown woman) it makes me want to kick some butts.
Many years ago, my MIL was not exactly nice to my husband’s and my children but his son from a previous marriage could do no wrong. They’d bring gifts for him and not my daughters. I kept silent but MIL and husband’s relationship fell by the wayside on it’s own and we never spoke with her for many years. She is now in her 80’s and they’ve reopened their relationship. Our children are grown and have nothing to do with her, except husband’s son from time to time. It just is really sad and to realize my daughters only had my parents growing up.
Yesterday, my daughter's sister-in-law and her family came to visit for a few days. They will be there for Thanksgiving, and have been welcomed to join in the family dinner at the home of my daughter's step-mother. When they arrived, they brought presents to her husband and her daughter, but they didn't bother to give anything to her. She is hurt, but not just because she was left out, it is because his family has always treated her like she doesn't exist.
DD usually stands up for herself, yet she puts up with it because she doesn't want to cause drama, and feels that her husband should get to see his family. He, of course, is clueless, and doesn't see it when she is slighted by them. A few times she has called his attention to it, and he has defended her, however this never changes the way they treat her.
I am very angry about this, but it's "her circus and her monkeys" to deal with, so I can't make her confront them. Has anyone else been treated this way, and if so, what did you do about it?
i loved my FIL very much, but my MIL never accepted me (she hates both of her son's wives) even after 30 years of marriage. for the 10 years after my FIL's death, i tried to always be cordial, inclusive, and respectful, but finally gave up the pretense after a final betrayal and haven't seen or talked to her in 10 years. my husband and our kids keep up with her and visit her which i support, but i decided not to pretend any longer after 20 years of trying. the arrangement has worked for everyone. My MIL and FIL raised my wonderful husband and the father of our amazing sons. even though i don't understand my MIL, I will always be grateful to her.....from afar.
Last edited by texan2yankee; 11-25-2019 at 02:31 PM..
My MIL and FIL raised my wonderful husband and the father of our amazing sons. even though i don't understand my MIL, I will always be grateful to her.....from afar.
I kind of feel the same way. My in-laws were wonderful to my kids but I think they planted a seed of confusion by treating me badly. Now in their end of life my kids hardly ever see them. I think the kids are just too conflicted and can’t really understand it. So they show up once in a while at holidays for them. Grateful...from afar. Very good!
My in-laws actually hated me my whole life. I put up with it through many tears and fights with my husband. I gave up and distanced myself emotionally and physically from them. I suffer from being a stoic polite Scandinavian. Now after many many decades MIL finally apologized to me for making my wedding a fiasco. Then a few years later she finally told me that my FIL actually hated me. But in their mind I had “trapped” my husband. Bear in mind we didn’t have children for 10 years. So...not really at all did I in any way trap him I told her. But they felt justified to hate me all these years. Believing a lie. I suppose they would have found another lie to believe if we had burst that bubble.
I wish I had stood up to them and parted ways with them right away. Things don’t get better. We wish and hope they will but they don’t. They only get worse.
They poisoned their entire family against me. They treated me with contempt. I became uneasy around them to the extent that I have never embraced them, physically or emotionally. My husband finally understood after a few decades and didn’t request anything of me in dealing with them.
In retrospect I would recommend her not allowing any access to her home or her children. Pull the plug on that family unless and until she gets an honest apology. Her children will see what’s happening and it will adversely affect her. They will think it is her fault that grandma and grandpa don’t like mom. Mom must be bad. They will be conflicted.
Why do people have to be so mean!
Your inlaws sound crazy! I'm sorry you've had to deal with people like that.
Your inlaws sound crazy! I'm sorry you've had to deal with people like that.
Thanks! Ha me too! The odd thing was that they liked just about anyone else. My lazy crazy druggie brother I law, a niece who abandoned her family to trail after a married man who eventually dumped her, another one who was drunk and vile at holiday gatherings, let people move in and live for free with them, and many others. They were ok, but not me. I lived a clean life, volunteered at school, church and politic all which were their favorites, raised kids, took in kids, held a lucrative job, but just not good enough. Go figure.
MIL was nuts. SIL was a handful. Aunt was a piece of work.
SIL wore a white dress to our wedding and pushed her way to front and center of the group wedding portraits. Aunt kept shoving me aside at the reception whenever the photographer would show up. "Just family," she'd say, as bumped me aside with her hip.
Over the years, these women continued to be whackadoodles. After several trips to visit, I realized that I was not interested in any more of their nuttiness. If my husband wanted to visit, fine. But I was not going to plan any trips.
MIL realized that is she wanted to see her precious son, she better get on my good side. SIL continues to be a fruitcake. Or so I hear. Haven't seen his aunt in decades. I heard she passed away.
If the OP's daughter wants to put up with this kind of treatment to keep the peace. So be it. But if she's had her fill of their ways, all she has to do is just decline to be around them.
In my experience, it is usually the wives who buy the presents, do all the work to plan trips or prepare for visits.
Just stop doing it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
