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In my experience, it is usually the wives who buy the presents, do all the work to plan trips or prepare for visits.
Just stop doing it.
Yes, that is pretty typical. I know that I would be pretty annoyed if I bought presents for my husband's parents given from my husband and presents for their grandparents given from her children and the in-laws don't buy presents for her!
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-25-2019 at 05:09 PM..
Try hearing your son is going to have a family Thanksgiving dinner at his house. Who gets to decide who comes? My ex wife! Bet you can guess two people who didn't get invited. But she's been invited here any time our sons and their families have been invited and she's been treated like a member of the family. Oh, well!
My entire in-laws are a very dysfunctional bunch, to a point I don't say they're dysfunctional but malfunctional. They don't ever acknowledge me generally. It took them awhile to even say my name correctly, and they still can't spell it. DH given up on correcting them because he realized they just don't care. My MIL has this thing where she has to send every of her kids's spouses a birthday card with a long note, "showing" and noting her appreciation. She hates all of them except one, but does it anyways. She always complain about having to do this because of her huge dislike of her in-laws. At one point, when she was complaining about having to write these letters... my husband pointed out to her that I never received one of these birthday card. So... in the 15 years I've been with him... I finally gotten one birthday card from her... no letter and it was unsigned. Lol. Funny thing, I'm apparently the favored DIL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Yes, that is pretty typical. I know that I would be pretty annoyed if I bought presents for my husband's parents given from my husband and presents for their grandparents given from her children and the in-laws don't buy presents for her!
It's so very hurtful. Especially when we're there for Christmas and they "forgot" to get our little one anything. They never acknowledge our kids's birthdays as well. I put a stop to buying the presents for the nieces and nephews myself. DH was never the one that brought the presents but when I did it, all nieces/nephews loved their presents and my in-laws started calling DH the Santa man, because apparently he brings the best presents. He would point out it was me... but since I am already unacknowledged, that went nowhere.
Nowadays we don't have anything to do with that family.
I completely understand daughter being slighted. But I do want to point out, under less than perfect circumstances, we're good to our in-laws because doing otherwise would hurt the spouse whom we love.
My attitude always has been that I needed to treat my husband's parents with love and respect, and the same for his siblings. In fact, come to think of it, I probably made more allowances for slights at the hands of his siblings and parents (not that they were that bad), than I would have from my own, because I love my husband, and I want to make him happy.
The time I finally stood up to my mother-in-law's obviously uneven treatment was over my daughter. My MIL seemed to consider her daughter's children to be her "true" grandchildren. They were both a little older than mine, and she was always too old to do anything to help with mine, even though she had done, and continued to do plenty for her daughter's children. But that didn't harm my children - it would have been very nice for me and my husband to have had help, but it didn't harm the kids, other than for the fact that they didn't have that warm fuzzy feeling of a very involved, interested grandparent. So still I kept quiet. But when my daughter, who had a really difficult time in adolescence, was slighted by my MIL planning a luncheon for "her grandaughters" and didn't include mine, even though she was right there in the house at the time, that's when I put my foot down. After that I noticed my MIL making more of an effort to include my daughter.
I guess I just never saw the relationship with the in-laws as being about me. It was about making my husband happy.
And people are saying that part of the problem is if her husband is "happy" with the way his parents treat his wife. Why does the way his parents treat her not "hurt" him, but her defending herself (when he won't...) would?
whenever the photographer would show up. "Just family," she'd say, as bumped me aside with her hip.
Oh my gosh I got that “just the family” for decades! But they would include the adopted kid, the stray visitor, even MY child but not me. What is wrong with these people.
And people are saying that part of the problem is if her husband is "happy" with the way his parents treat his wife. Why does the way his parents treat her not "hurt" him, but her defending herself (when he won't...) would?
Exactly. My husband and I discussed this thread and his input was it just didn’t register with him. After growing up in this family he learned to keep his down and go along to get along. Like a frog in ever increasing hot water he just got used to it. He can see it all now and wished he would have done something sooner. But...
What a horrid sister-in-law your daughter has. I would be disinclined to ever host her and hers again. Life is too short to put up with ignorant behavior from people. Meanwhile I would send her flowers.
Oh my gosh I got that “just the family” for decades! But they would include the adopted kid, the stray visitor, even MY child but not me. What is wrong with these people.
Who knows?
In our case, my husband was the favored son, nephew, and brother. I was the outsider who "stole" him from them.
Several years ago, a friend married a "confirmed bachelor" and experienced the same cold shoulder I did.
Like me, after a few tries at making nice, she shrugged off their rude behavior and quit planning visits, buying presents, etc. She didn't object to her husband doing these things, but she stopped.
Though he defended their behavior as "that's just the way they are," and said that she might be "overly sensitive," neither did he plan many visits.
They responded by visits to him. She made herself scarce during their visits. She helped him get ready for the visits. Prepared food and stocked the refrigerator. But during the actual visits, she worked long hours. Spent time with friends. Retired early to bed and read while they were out in the family room reliving the good old days.
When a sibling with several children said they would be visiting and planned on bringing sleeping bags and camping out in the family room, she planned a beach getaway.
The other day, she got a long email from her SIL. It started out sweet enough but then turned into passive-aggressive blaming her for the "estrangement" and why doesn't she want to be "part of our family." SIL wanted her to "let go of the past" and spend the holidays together.
After deleting several responses, friend emailed back that alas she had to work during the holidays, but appreciated that SIL and family planned on treating her better.
i feel badly for your DD. I can relate as my hubby's family has always ignored me, even though I'm the driving force in getting him to start visiting them...long distance....and I am always the one who buys the presents and such.
I went above and beyond last year for my sis n law....who I have never met in person. She was hiding the fact that she was broke....and behind in property taxes....I persuaded my husband to convince her to tell the trutch about her situation after she needed to borrow money for utilities.
Turns out she was 20,000 behind in property taxes, living on credit cards....bla, bla. I got into gear and called and located "We buy ugly Houses" Because she was living in the family home after her mom died....a hoarders home according to my hubby. And then I sent my hubby for an extra trip to help her coordinate a move....Worked out very well...They sold the house day 2 after my hubby arrived....They then spent the next week looking then buying a reasonable condo for my Sis n law.....
It's been a year....I tried to befriend her...I called...I sent basics like winter coats and clothes etc. All to help her feel better after having gone through such a rough couple of years. The last time I sent a nice package of new clothes...She informed me that she received them only after I bugged her a couple weeks after sending them. She informed me that yeah, she got them....Nothing like a Thanks.....
So...I've quit trying. My hubby informed me that she has a pattern of being very self centered....But to me that is simply rude....I went without monetarily to provided for her....and she couldn't even say a genuine Thank you...
Sry...I didn't mean to vent...But to answer your question about how I treated a similar situation....I quit buying....and I quit trying. If our relationship ever gets better it will be after she initiates friendliness.
I hope your DD finds it in herself to stop trying....They are disrespecting her in her own home...in front of her child...Totally unacceptable....They wouldn't be invited a 2nd time if it were me.
I completely understand daughter being slighted. But I do want to point out, under less than perfect circumstances, we're good to our in-laws because doing otherwise would hurt the spouse whom we love.
I guess I just never saw the relationship with the in-laws as being about me. It was about making my husband happy.
I think you can do that to a point---but at the point when it starts bothering someone enough that it genuinely hurts them, I don't see why someone would want to subject themselves to feeling like garbage to make a spouse happy.
I don't really care for my husband's family. There is always some stupid drama, some stupid fight, some nasty comment said somewhere that, for whatever reason, is okay. For the most part, I just do not attend things with my husband anymore. If he wants to go, he's more than welcome, but I keep my distance. Then he comes home to me and I listen to him get the stupid things that happened off of his chest.
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friend emailed back that alas she had to work during the holidays, but appreciated that SIL and family planned on treating her better.
