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It is real simple this dilemma . Tell them to get the hell out and don't come back and if my husband has anything to say about it . There is a divorce attorney around every corner . My first husbands family was like that and when I divorced him I divorced that family and I praise God for it every day . Your daughter needs to grow a spine and your Son in law needs to grow a set and tell his family to stop it or don't come to visit . If he cant do that then he is not worth having as a husband .
i feel badly for your DD. I can relate as my hubby's family has always ignored me, even though I'm the driving force in getting him to start visiting them...long distance....and I am always the one who buys the presents and such.
I went above and beyond last year for my sis n law....who I have never met in person. She was hiding the fact that she was broke....and behind in property taxes....I persuaded my husband to convince her to tell the trutch about her situation after she needed to borrow money for utilities.
Turns out she was 20,000 behind in property taxes, living on credit cards....bla, bla. I got into gear and called and located "We buy ugly Houses" Because she was living in the family home after her mom died....a hoarders home according to my hubby. And then I sent my hubby for an extra trip to help her coordinate a move....Worked out very well...They sold the house day 2 after my hubby arrived....They then spent the next week looking then buying a reasonable condo for my Sis n law.....
It's been a year....I tried to befriend her...I called...I sent basics like winter coats and clothes etc. All to help her feel better after having gone through such a rough couple of years. The last time I sent a nice package of new clothes...She informed me that she received them only after I bugged her a couple weeks after sending them. She informed me that yeah, she got them....Nothing like a Thanks.....
So...I've quit trying. My hubby informed me that she has a pattern of being very self centered....But to me that is simply rude....I went without monetarily to provided for her....and she couldn't even say a genuine Thank you...
Sry...I didn't mean to vent...But to answer your question about how I treated a similar situation....I quit buying....and I quit trying. If our relationship ever gets better it will be after she initiates friendliness.
I hope your DD finds it in herself to stop trying....They are disrespecting her in her own home...in front of her child...Totally unacceptable....They wouldn't be invited a 2nd time if it were me.
Amen and it sounds like daughter need to grow a spine and son in law needs to grow a set and tell them off .
And people are saying that part of the problem is if her husband is "happy" with the way his parents treat his wife. Why does the way his parents treat her not "hurt" him, but her defending herself (when he won't...) would?
That's a fair question. Her husband often does not stand up for her, even to the point of not backing her up when disciplining their daughter. Of course this upsets her and makes her very angry. They have a big fight and she actually does stand up for herself, but it doesn't really change anything.
I mentioned before that he had gotten seriously ill when she was pregnant. During his illness he had a very high fever for several days, and it took him a few weeks to recover. The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways. His old self would have had no problem coming to her defense, but he seems to be unable to recognize why or when she is hurting.
Several times DD was to the point of telling him to just move back to his family, but she takes her marriage vows very seriously and will not abandon him to send him back to their abusive ways. As much as I can't stand seeing her hurt, I have to admire her conviction to abide by the promises she made before God.
That's a fair question. Her husband often does not stand up for her, even to the point of not backing her up when disciplining their daughter. Of course this upsets her and makes her very angry. They have a big fight and she actually does stand up for herself, but it doesn't really change anything.
I mentioned before that he had gotten seriously ill when she was pregnant. During his illness he had a very high fever for several days, and it took him a few weeks to recover. The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways. His old self would have had no problem coming to her defense, but he seems to be unable to recognize why or when she is hurting.
Several times DD was to the point of telling him to just move back to his family, but she takes her marriage vows very seriously and will not abandon him to send him back to their abusive ways. As much as I can't stand seeing her hurt, I have to admire her conviction to abide by the promises she made before God.
so she should stay In a marriage that she is unhappy in for the sake of other people ? I would advise my daughter to seek a divorce life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage .
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that some people go out of their way to be cruel, but when someone is mistreating my kid (even though she is a grown woman) it makes me want to kick some butts.
I can so relate to this. It’s one of the hardest parts of parenting. I hope she finds a way to deal with the in-laws and hope things improve over time.
That's a fair question. Her husband often does not stand up for her, even to the point of not backing her up when disciplining their daughter. Of course this upsets her and makes her very angry. They have a big fight and she actually does stand up for herself, but it doesn't really change anything.
I mentioned before that he had gotten seriously ill when she was pregnant. During his illness he had a very high fever for several days, and it took him a few weeks to recover.
The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways. His old self would have had no problem coming to her defense, but he seems to be unable to recognize why or when she is hurting.
Several times DD was to the point of telling him to just move back to his family, but she takes her marriage vows very seriously and will not abandon him to send him back to their abusive ways. As much as I can't stand seeing her hurt, I have to admire her conviction to abide by the promises she made before God.
"The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways." If her husband has not had neurological testing regarding his possible brain damage I would highly recommend it. Most large hospitals, with a neurology department, do neuropsychological evaluations. Usually that is a wide variety of tests/evaluations taking several hours (usually about three and a half or four hours).
Sometimes they order other tests including bloodwork, x-rays and/or CAT scans of the brain. These tests will determine which parts of the brain were damaged. Sometimes there are medications that can help and sometimes it is just better to know what areas have the biggest problems. Often the neurologist and/or psychologist and/or psychiatrist and/or various medical doctors can assist in delaying further damage and making the most of the patient's strengths.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. If it turns out that the damage is progressive it would be extremely helpfuld in planning for the future.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-26-2019 at 02:30 PM..
That's a fair question. Her husband often does not stand up for her, even to the point of not backing her up when disciplining their daughter. Of course this upsets her and makes her very angry. They have a big fight and she actually does stand up for herself, but it doesn't really change anything.
I mentioned before that he had gotten seriously ill when she was pregnant. During his illness he had a very high fever for several days, and it took him a few weeks to recover. The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways. His old self would have had no problem coming to her defense, but he seems to be unable to recognize why or when she is hurting.
Several times DD was to the point of telling him to just move back to his family, but she takes her marriage vows very seriously and will not abandon him to send him back to their abusive ways. As much as I can't stand seeing her hurt, I have to admire her conviction to abide by the promises she made before God.
Oh, for heaven sakes.
Why would he need to go back to his family? Is she supporting this fellow?
"The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways." If her husband has not had neurological testing regarding his possible brain damage I would highly recommend it. Most large hospitals, with a neurology department, do neuropsychological evaluations. Usually that is a wide variety of tests/evaluations taking several hours (usually about three and a half or four hours).
Sometimes they order other tests including bloodwork, x-rays and/or CAT scans of the brain. These tests will determine which parts of the brain were damaged. Sometimes there are medications that can help and sometimes it is just better to know what areas have the biggest problems. Often the neurologist and/or psychologist and/or psychiatrist and/or various medical doctors can assist in delaying further damage and making the most of the patient's strengths.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. If it turns out that the damage is progressive it would be extremely helping in planning for the future.
That's a fair question. Her husband often does not stand up for her, even to the point of not backing her up when disciplining their daughter. Of course this upsets her and makes her very angry. They have a big fight and she actually does stand up for herself, but it doesn't really change anything.
I mentioned before that he had gotten seriously ill when she was pregnant. During his illness he had a very high fever for several days, and it took him a few weeks to recover. The fever did something to his brain, and he is not the same person he was before, which is sad in so many ways. His old self would have had no problem coming to her defense, but he seems to be unable to recognize why or when she is hurting.
Several times DD was to the point of telling him to just move back to his family, but she takes her marriage vows very seriously and will not abandon him to send him back to their abusive ways. As much as I can't stand seeing her hurt, I have to admire her conviction to abide by the promises she made before God.
Your daughter isn’t the one who has broken the vows they made to each other. Her husband has been doing that for a long time. If he can’t stand up to his family when they are rude to his own wife in her own home, they shouldn’t be allowed to visit. It’s her house too. He can go and visit them if it’s important enough to him.
This happened to a good friend of mine. She didn't get gifts when the biologically connected family did (her husband and their children) for holidays and on other occasions. Plus, her in-laws were jerks to her in other ways. Her husband was supportive and talked to his parents about it but they always "just forgot" about his wife again and again.
After this happened a few times she went very proactive. For example, one Christmas, after all the presents were opened and she did not receive anything from her in-laws she said, in front of all the extended family, "Father Jim and Mother Joan, Hubby received a thoughtful, wonderful (name of present) from you and Little Timmy and Little Mary received many thoughtful, fun gifts from you including (name of toys, types of clothing, etc). I can hardly wait to see what you gave me." Long pause, embarrassed looks on MIL & FIL's faces.
"Where is my gift?" My friend says that she physically looked under the now empty space under the Christmas tree. "Did you forget my gift in your car?" By now all the extended family are staring at the parents/in-laws in silence. After several minutes, her MIL said in a very embarrassed voice "We ordered a gift for you but it didn't arrive yet".
After that the in-laws always gave their DIL a present, too, but they continued being absolute jerks to her. DIL stopped going to her in-laws house to "help with chores, run errands, mow the lawn, etc."(as she had done previously with her spouse). After FIL died, the way that her MIL treated my friend for decades really impacted MIL's life as she needed a lot of extra help and DIL would not give her any help. My friend didn't care if her husband helped out his mother but she refused to help.
I would REFUSE to stoop down to their level and put the in-laws on the spot like that.
Gifts are given in love. Forcing the purchase of a gift makes that gift totally WORTHLESS, IMO.
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