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If you can predict what your mom will say, then it sounds to me like you two repeat a well worn pattern of communication. So, do you normally snark back at your mom? If so, how has that worked in the past?
I think your mom pushes your buttons. She knows how to do this. So, throw her off balance. Say nothing in response. Move away, or turn your head, or simply look at her silently. Then, give your attention to something or someone else.
The idea is to make the aftermath of the snark seem uncomfortable for her. She is used to your response. Change your response.
You honestly don’t need snappy rejoinders. Don’t respond, or respond by moving your attention away from her. Break the cycle you are used to.
My brother, mostly. I made the gluten free dairy free apple pie (which looks like dog food and will surely spark a conversation about the pie she wanted to buy us from the bakery which we can't eat)
And there is always the 3 second stare and immediate topic change. "So how about those Red Sox?"
Okay, this I can work with for things she says that come out nasty. In fact, my SIL has said very similar things with good results.
To be fair, she has been working on the snarkiness in the last couple of years. Last summer I gave her holy hell about being so mean to people. so now she just says the same old things in a nicer way. They still reveal her willingness to put others down for her own petty comfort.
Silence and a blank expression. Wait for her to finish talking, then change the subject. Do not engage her in argument. Do not acknowledge her snarky comments. If she says something pleasant, respond to that, but stop if it turns into something unpleasant. Blank stare and silence again. Maybe she can be trained by positive reinforcement and ignoring the bad behavior. Like a puppy.
My brother, mostly. I made the gluten free dairy free apple pie (which looks like dog food and will surely spark a conversation about the pie she wanted to buy us from the bakery which we can't eat)
Say you and your siblings have decided to do the Thankfullness charity game. Thanksgiving is for giving thanks, and recognizing our blessings.
So at the Thanksgiving dinner table, nobody can say anything negative. Nothing. Only compliments, and discussing of blessings, or stuff like is there more green bean casserole. Can I put some rolls back in the oven. Or tell funny stories and catch up on each other's news, all positive.
Anyone who says something negative has to put $5 into the charity jar. When she owes about $20, 2 minutes into the meal, your mom will see the pattern. She may not even recognize how often she's saying negative things.
My defensiveness is growing by the minute. My mom badly wants us all to have a good time together but she just can't help saying things that hurt or offend us.
{snipped for space}
So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
If you really want to be a ninja-master at this do what no one expects: specifically, agree with whatever insult comes your way. Don't react to statements not about *you*, only respond when mom (or whoever) hurls something at you.
example:
HurtfulMom: "you know, Stage, you never learned or figured out how to blahblahblah and now you're just blahblahblah inferior..."
Stagemomma: "<slight dramatic sigh>...yeah...you're right! I really screwed up... <end with another slight sigh>.
Hurtful mom is confused. So confused. She was ready for an argument; she was expecting a defensive retort. You agreed? and that takes the wind out of her sails. What can she say to an agreement? You flipped the script, you ninja-master!
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Each time she says something rude to you (about YOU), just nod and agree with whatever "oh yes, and that's so sad, just a waste" ...or whatever, just agree.
Then keep eating your mashed potatoes and smile at your cleverness.
Do not start getting into it when she says crap about other people. Just smile, nod, and keep eating. She's looking for attention and looking to start something. Stay calm, don't react, just be agreeable. Make it into a game for yourself.
Ninja-master level II: teach this to other family members and have them practice it so they too can stop drama before it gets started.
It works and it's like magic!
Last edited by lottamoxie; 11-24-2019 at 09:11 PM..
If you can predict what your mom will say, then it sounds to me like you two repeat a well worn pattern of communication. So, do you normally snark back at your mom? If so, how has that worked in the past?
I think your mom pushes your buttons. She knows how to do this. So, throw her off balance. Say nothing in response. Move away, or turn your head, or simply look at her silently. Then, give your attention to something or someone else.
The idea is to make the aftermath of the snark seem uncomfortable for her. She is used to your response. Change your response.
You honestly don’t need snappy rejoinders. Don’t respond, or respond by moving your attention away from her. Break the cycle you are used to.
This will be hard.
I agree with the above, and yes it is hard to do and you may find yourself biting your tongue at times, but I had similar experiences with a nagging relative who was a chronic complainer at everyone and found the above technique really did help to change the negative dynamics at these kinds of family get togethers. You speak to others and even to your nagging relative if it's on neutral or positive topics but every time she levels complaints at you or other people you just clam up and keep your mouth shut and direct your attention away from her. If other people there are also frequent targets of her complaints privately clue them in to what you're doing so they can do the same thing and not respond to her when she starts ragging on them.
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