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So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
When your mother starts her familiar harping, simply stand up at the table, and announce, "Let's have a happy time today, and stick to positive things to say, so we can enjoy each other's company to the fullest." If there are others who feel the you do about your mother's behavior, let them know in advance, that you're going to do this, so they can back you up, and say "hear, hear" or whatever, to indicate their approval. If at some point, your mother relapses, and starts complaining about her deceased husband, you can say firmly, "Let's be respectful of the dead, since some of us here have wonderful memories of dad. We're gathered here to give thanks, and dad gave us much to be thankful for.." You could even suggest going around the room, and ask your siblings or other relatives to contribute a memory, and start off sharing one of your own.
There's no reason to let your mother dominate the evening with her negativity. You can set (or re-set) the tone with your own leadership.
We finally realized that mom's complaints were partly due to the people she was around in her senior community. Seems they are all complaining about something and it rubs off. I usually change the conversation or remind her about the positives.
It is hard to be around and there have been some great ideas to work on. Really involves changing your reaction in the long run.
One suggestion my hubby had was to keep a count of complaints as a mental focus for you to redirect some of the anger. Kind of like counting the number of times a specific word or phrase is used.
Show up with the following:
- a chocolate pie
- Cool-Whip
- canned whip cream (which is dairy, so you shouldn't eat it anyway)
- Whipping Cream (unless Mom already supplies that...and yes, it is different than the canned stuff)
- anything else that people always complain about (because they want their Thanksgiving meal to be the way they like it...and that's OK)
Greet everyone with a smile and know that you've eliminated several of the complaints and that people will have what they want. Our family always has two different kinds of potatoes for this very reason; it's not a big deal to offer options, it cancels out any whining and gives people what they want.
Honestly OP not sure how much good this will do. You are already primed, locked and loaded expecting it. You've already "rehearsed" but in a bad way. IME, turning to face them head on with a direct silent stare...long enough so others notice works pretty well. Let them squirm. If you don't respond, the only bad behavior others will see is theirs. They're fishing; counting on you to take the bait. Don't take it.
Good suggestions here, I particularly like the charity jar for negativity. But I have a question. If you're dairy-free, why do you want to eat canned whipped cream which, as you point out, is real cream? Just wondering...and personally, I love chocolate cream pie. My mom always had a non-fruit, non-pumpkin pie for me.
I don't know if this would work for you but this worked for a relative who was tired of her best friend complaining about every little thing. When the friend would start complaining my relative would turn and look in a different direction and completely ignore her (and maybe start talking to someone else). When the friend said something neutral or positive my relative would smile, look attentively at her, lean towards her and make happy, positive comments in return.
I read an article that described that kind of feedback behavior as training a person the same way you'd train an animal or a pet--reward the behavior you want and ignore the behavior you don't.
The crux of this family get together is Thanksgiving, which is theoretically about being grateful for what you have. OP could always take the high road of, "aren't we so lucky to be together and have so many choices? Mom, what are you thankful for this year?"
My way to deal with my vicious mother was to separate myself from her. I feel absolutely no obligation to attend large family gatherings and other friends and relatives can be visited on a different occasion.
She was who she was and no way was she ever going to change, but there was no real reason for me to subject myself to it.
But I agree with other posters. Fighting with her isn't going to make it any better and a nice fight is probably what she is hoping for so that she has something to complain about.
My brother, mostly. I made the gluten free dairy free apple pie (which looks like dog food and will surely spark a conversation about the pie she wanted to buy us from the bakery which we can't eat)
“I know, Mom, but think of all the people who don’t have apple pie today.”
Although, what dairy goes in an apple pie?
I think maybe she’s complaining because it’s not like it used to be. And that gives you an in to hear stories about her childhood. If she’s waxing poetical about the days of yore, she won’t be complaining.
__________________ Solly says — Be nice!
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Solly says — Be nice!
