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It isn't one day. It's been 51 years. It is always as bad as I anticipate.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Actually it won't always be as bad.
Someday your mother and some of these other relatives won't be around. At 51 you should know this.
Like Jencam and I am sure others I wish I had my parents around for one more Thanksgiving or Christmas, but am grateful for the people they were and lucky to have them.
Maybe you should think about people who are having Thanksgivings who lost a child, or have a family member who is terminal, honestly if what you listed are the family issues, well that is really something to be thankful for.
And again, there will come a day when mom won't be there, as Maya Angelou said " I have learned regardless of the relationship you had with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life".
My defensiveness is growing by the minute. My mom badly wants us all to have a good time together but she just can't help saying things that hurt or offend us.
Since it is thanksgiving there will be a snarky comment about how my SIL doesn't like fruit pie and prefers chocolate pie for the holiday. and one for the fact that SIL likes Cool-Whip and I like whipped cream in a can and mom thinks we should ONLY have whipping cream and I have to explain to her that the cream in a can IS real cream.
There will be another snarky comment for each item on the menu that is something my mom would not have served and for anything my mom wants that isn't served.
There will be some comment about the fact that my brother and I have to be dairy free and I am gluten free and therefore adjust the recipes accordingly. (see above re: cool-whip)
There will be a snarky comment about my SILs mother being overbearing (which she is, a little, but she will be 1,000 miles away so it doesn't matter)
Mom will find some other comment to make that she claims is sharing but we find to be whining. She will complain that we aren't spending enough time together or doing the right things during our time together, or whatever.
Mom will find some way to insult our dead father, god rest his henpecked soul.
There will be a comment about how my kids didn't come because they like their other Nana better.
Etcetera.
So in September I think I'm doing a good duty by planning to spend thanksgiving with her (and lets be real...I have no one else to spend it with) but in the run up to the actual day I start rehearsing defensive comments in my head and they aren't good ones. They are bitchy and mean. I would like to take her hypocritical self down for her dislike of pumpkin pie. I would like to explain that I am the better mother because I don't guilt trip my kids over the choice they have to make every holiday. I am now in full nasty dread mode and hoping my car will break down on Wednesday afternoon before I get 2 miles out of town.
So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
1. Chocolate pie is fantastic but has no place at Thanksgiving.
2. Fruit pie, mince or pumpkin (I hate it) are the only acceptable ones, but not cherry or blueberry or any other Fourth of July stuff.
3. Fake cream is terrible and that goes for the quasi-fake stuff in a can. Whip your own from heavy cream or forget it all and get vanilla ice cream (but not the cheap stuff.)
4. Don't talk about people who aren't there, dead or alive.
5. Holiday gatherings are not parenting contests.
6. The only discussion about adults who are not there (lucky them!) should be to say "they have phones, ask them."
7. Mashed potatoes are designed to keep people from talking, so don't flick them, just shovel some more into your face.
8. You may not be the only one who hopes your car breaks down.
9. If it becomes overbearing just get up and clean up the mess.
kill them with kindness …
smile ….with a glow and thank them for their astute observation....
thru the yrs we've had some highly opinionated stir the pot types....but the response was the exact opposite ….we smiled and thanked him...but then immediately started discussing his most hated topics.... and the tables were turned he was the agitated dick... the rest were cheerful and would not allow any arrows to land
The original post is exactly why my wife refuses to celebrate (endure?) Thanksgiving with her Mother. As my wife said, "they don't really want us there, they just want me to prepare the entire meal for them and transport it 130 miles, so my four age 50+ adult siblings and Mother can argue over who brings a package of Holiday napkins, or two bottles of soda, or a 12-pack of dinner rolls, etc."
And the endless string of rude snarky comments which taint the entire day.........
So we are driving the other direction to visit our children for half the weekend, and enjoy a Restaurant Thanksgiving meal with minimal stress and personal fuss. Why subject ourselves to situations we don't enjoy - such as the dinner table fist fights which have erupted some years?
I'd also give anything to spend Thanksgiving with my mother who passed long ago. I suggest instead of all this negativity you have, to approach it in a happy positive way. Just laugh it off and say okay, that's your opinion. I'm soon to be 73 yoa and I've learned that people will say, act or do things that you don't agree with so you just have to be quiet. Maybe folks don't like what I say and how I act. So be it. Let it go!
Why are you all putting yourselves through this torture?! No one should feel obligated or pressured to do squat for ANY holiday & even more so if you don't want to do it!
I'm an only child who had nice childhood memories of seeing extended family. Since being an adult though & especially since moving into my own place, I like doing different things and my mom's side of the family has diminished. While there's definitely no ill will, my dad's side does their own thing. One year, I went to a theme park and another went to a dinner buffet at a restaurant. Another time, I had Mom over and another, relaxed at home all day! I even drove to Vegas one Christmastime. (My Mom and I talk 1-2 times daily & see each other regularly. I also have a busy work schedule and so we aren't the types who have to see each other ON the actual holiday or birthday itself.) Since I've moved out of my parents' house, I honestly don't like sitting up in anyone's house all day.
I'm still thinking about what to do still. If money was no object, I'd be in Hawaii, NY, etc. for a few days or a week! I know one thing though...it will be relaxing, calm, fun, & very pleasant no matter what I'm doing.
My brother, mostly. I made the gluten free dairy free apple pie (which looks like dog food and will surely spark a conversation about the pie she wanted to buy us from the bakery which we can't eat)
Would it be such a big deal to buy the bakery pie she likes. You don’t have to eat any. Your mom sounds unhappy and probably lonely. All these special diets are not understood by some older people.
When I was faced with a person like this, I would hear the beginning of the tirade starting and then wave my hand (or wineglass) and cheerfully and loudly say, “Whatever!”. Then the subject was quickly changed.
Soon we all were chorusing that, much to the irritation of the constant complainer, but she got the message after awhile. Some people would just then turn away, ignore her and start chatting with someone else.
She also enjoyed making a big fuss about “maybe not coming” to get-togethers and wanted to be begged to participate. Again, people banded together and everyone responded with a cheery, “Okay, whatever works for you - we hope you have a great time wherever you go!”. No begging and no cajoling as everyone was SICK of it.
This was not an elderly, frail person but someone in their 50s. Interrupting her with relentless cheerfulness and happy chatter irritated the heck out of her but did shut her down. I can’t say she was happy about it nor did we care. She had no one to rile up or get more than a one word response from if she chose to be snarky.
One person should not have the power to ruin the atmosphere for others. If people are really captives in a nasty environment which can’t be changed or controlled, I would seriously consider skipping it.
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