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My defensiveness is growing by the minute. My mom badly wants us all to have a good time together but she just can't help saying things that hurt or offend us.
Since it is thanksgiving there will be a snarky comment about how my SIL doesn't like fruit pie and prefers chocolate pie for the holiday. and one for the fact that SIL likes Cool-Whip and I like whipped cream in a can and mom thinks we should ONLY have whipping cream and I have to explain to her that the cream in a can IS real cream.
There will be another snarky comment for each item on the menu that is something my mom would not have served and for anything my mom wants that isn't served.
There will be some comment about the fact that my brother and I have to be dairy free and I am gluten free and therefore adjust the recipes accordingly. (see above re: cool-whip)
There will be a snarky comment about my SILs mother being overbearing (which she is, a little, but she will be 1,000 miles away so it doesn't matter)
Mom will find some other comment to make that she claims is sharing but we find to be whining. She will complain that we aren't spending enough time together or doing the right things during our time together, or whatever.
Mom will find some way to insult our dead father, god rest his henpecked soul.
There will be a comment about how my kids didn't come because they like their other Nana better.
Etcetera.
So in September I think I'm doing a good duty by planning to spend thanksgiving with her (and lets be real...I have no one else to spend it with) but in the run up to the actual day I start rehearsing defensive comments in my head and they aren't good ones. They are bitchy and mean. I would like to take her hypocritical self down for her dislike of pumpkin pie. I would like to explain that I am the better mother because I don't guilt trip my kids over the choice they have to make every holiday. I am now in full nasty dread mode and hoping my car will break down on Wednesday afternoon before I get 2 miles out of town.
So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
So are you gluten free because you think it's a diet trend or do you have Celiac disease?
My defensiveness is growing by the minute. My mom badly wants us all to have a good time together but she just can't help saying things that hurt or offend us.
Since it is thanksgiving there will be a snarky comment about how my SIL doesn't like fruit pie and prefers chocolate pie for the holiday. and one for the fact that SIL likes Cool-Whip and I like whipped cream in a can and mom thinks we should ONLY have whipping cream and I have to explain to her that the cream in a can IS real cream.
There will be another snarky comment for each item on the menu that is something my mom would not have served and for anything my mom wants that isn't served.
There will be some comment about the fact that my brother and I have to be dairy free and I am gluten free and therefore adjust the recipes accordingly. (see above re: cool-whip)
There will be a snarky comment about my SILs mother being overbearing (which she is, a little, but she will be 1,000 miles away so it doesn't matter)
Mom will find some other comment to make that she claims is sharing but we find to be whining. She will complain that we aren't spending enough time together or doing the right things during our time together, or whatever.
Mom will find some way to insult our dead father, god rest his henpecked soul.
There will be a comment about how my kids didn't come because they like their other Nana better.
Etcetera.
So in September I think I'm doing a good duty by planning to spend thanksgiving with her (and lets be real...I have no one else to spend it with) but in the run up to the actual day I start rehearsing defensive comments in my head and they aren't good ones. They are bitchy and mean. I would like to take her hypocritical self down for her dislike of pumpkin pie. I would like to explain that I am the better mother because I don't guilt trip my kids over the choice they have to make every holiday. I am now in full nasty dread mode and hoping my car will break down on Wednesday afternoon before I get 2 miles out of town.
So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
Sounds like the real problem is that you would be better off not going - so maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter or plan a vacation next year (if too late to change plans this year). As for getting along this year, try agreeing to everything that is said and smiling like a Cheshire Cat. It will throw people off. You can add some wild laughter for effect.
And keep your visit short and sweet. Come just in time to eat and leave immediately after dinner - say you have to take care of your animals, whatever.
Last edited by nobodysbusiness; 11-27-2019 at 05:02 PM..
Stay home. This is what hubby and I do. We enjoy each others company. The rest of the clan, not so much on major holidays. Regular family get togethers are much less stressful. Don't know why. Too much anticipation of a Rockwell Thanksgiving Day scene? Whatever the problem is, we shed it a few years ago.
Tomorrow we'll have turkey and fixins for two. We'll love every moment of it.
Same here and to be honest as I get older, i'm not up for the drama anymore. Anytime an event that is supposed to foster togetherness and fellowship leaves you even more stressed out and tired afterwards is NOT worth it.
I actually enjoy getting together with family during the warmer months in less formal settings. There is just something about Thanksgiving that brings out the worst in some people.
Saw this quote and thought of this thread. It's from a Buddhist teacher named Ram Dass: If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.
So---just look at it as a challenge to your personal/spiritual growth to maintain equanimity and come out of it relatively intact....
This article may be helpful for some of you in how to deal with less than ideal family circumstances:
I vote for.............go ahead and flick the mashed potatoes.........flick the CoolWhip too. It might be gratifying and exhilarating... at the very least, cathartic. Good chance you won't be invited back next year. Mission Accomplished!
PS: It will probably be game over for Christmas too.
Since it is thanksgiving there will be a snarky comment about how my SIL doesn't like fruit pie and prefers chocolate pie for the holiday. a
.
Its Thanksgiving. If we don't have several pumpkin, a couple apple, a chocolate creme, a banana cream, a mince meat, a peach, and possibly a lemon pie, I don't think it will be a complete Thanksgiving meal. Thank God you can get any kind of pie you want. Everyone has likes and dislikes, It is an awesome thing that we are not all alike. That would sure be a boring world if everyone was the same.
I celebrate having so many different kinds of people. and also so many different kinds of pies.
.......And again, there will come a day when mom won't be there, as Maya Angelou said " I have learned regardless of the relationship you had with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life".
I have a great deal of admiration for Maya Angelou. She's one smart cookie. But she is dead wrong about this one.
The only people who miss their parents when they are gone are the people who had a decent relationship with their parents and the people who were still hoping that they could somehow figure out how to make a dysfunction parent love them if they had just had more time to work at it.
There are plenty of people who see the passing of a parent as a great relief (ding dong the witch is dead). And there are plenty of other people who barely notice when it happens because they have been so separated for so long. Not everybody misses a parent.
We all miss the love a parent can give us. If we didn’t receive that love, we miss that much needed warmth even more. It cannot be replaced. Those who had loving parents should be thankful on this day, and every day.
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