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You say yourself that you weren't able to forgive your mother, and gradually, at that, until after she had passed. This is because the abuse had stopped and you were able to get enough distance from it to put it in perspective. It wasn't ongoing. You weren't still living with the anxiety of "Is she going to be mean when I visit today?"
It's harder to forgive when the abuse is still happening. I know you mean well and just want to help. But picture yourself in the days when your mother was still around and you were dealing with it. Would it have helped if someone had asked you "Have you tried making your mother happy?"
I see what you mean. Actually though, I wish that I had been more understanding to her when she was alive. I should have done more for her. I was the only daughter left. I did go to her house to see her the worst day, after she had been very, very hateful to me.
I regret now that I didn’t put my hurt aside enough to see what her life was really like.
I think it would have been better for me, emotionally in the long run, to have understood her better.
Of course, everyone is different, and I have had many years to reflect on the situation.
(I looked at my posts and do not think said, “Have you tried making your mother happy?”). I did not word my comment that way. No one can make another person happy. All we can do is show some understanding and willingness to listen.
Last edited by staywarm2; 11-30-2019 at 02:35 PM..
You say yourself that you weren't able to forgive your mother, and gradually, at that, until after she had passed. This is because the abuse had stopped and you were able to get enough distance from it to put it in perspective. It wasn't ongoing. You weren't still living with the anxiety of "Is she going to be mean when I visit today?"
It's harder to forgive when the abuse is still happening. I know you mean well and just want to help. But picture yourself in the days when your mother was still around and you were dealing with it. Would it have helped if someone had asked you "Have you tried making your mother happy?"
Thanks for the chuckle.
I don't know that forgiveness is really my issue. I get that it's the mental illness talking, and that she wasn't likely to cure herself.
What I can't do right now is TRUST that on any given day when I am spending time with my mother, she will manage to get through the day without saying something that will hurt, insult, or offend me or someone around us. That lack of trust is the foundation which our lives were built on. Neither of my brothers can trust her either.
So there have to be boundaries. We had to protect ourselves and our children. We are ridiculously sensitive to criticism of any kind. It's our legacy. So we make boundaries that work sometimes and sometimes don't.
I don't know that forgiveness is really my issue. I get that it's the mental illness talking, and that she wasn't likely to cure herself.
What I can't do right now is TRUST that on any given day when I am spending time with my mother, she will manage to get through the day without saying something that will hurt, insult, or offend me or someone around us. That lack of trust is the foundation which our lives were built on. Neither of my brothers can trust her either.
So there have to be boundaries. We had to protect ourselves and our children. We are ridiculously sensitive to criticism of any kind. It's our legacy. So we make boundaries that work sometimes and sometimes don't.
Or, put another way, that you will get through the day without electing to feel hurt, insulted, or offended by something your troubled mother might say without that intent.
Or, put another way, that you will get through the day without electing to feel hurt, insulted, or offended by something your troubled mother might say without that intent.
That's the nature of emotional abuse. You tell yourself it shouldn't hurt. Sometimes it doesn't! Sometimes we can roll our eyes and move on. But sometimes there IS intent. Or the comment without intent will be followed by lies and excuses to shift blame where it doesn't belong. I'm not dealing with a thoughtless person. I'm dealing with Narcissistic personality disorder. It isn't a normal way to grow up. It's exhausting.
I've done a lot of work over the years to learn to let things roll off my back. In most situations, I can do that. even with her. But not always.
And if I can choose to spend time with people who won't say hurtful things, with or without intent, or even choose to spend time alone, why wouldn't I do that?
I see what you mean. Actually though, I wish that I had been more understanding to her when she was alive. I should have done more for her. I was the only daughter left. I did go to her house to see her the worst day, after she had been very, very hateful to me.
I regret now that I didn’t put my hurt aside enough to see what her life was really like.
I think it would have been better for me, emotionally in the long run, to have understood her better.
Of course, everyone is different, and I have had many years to reflect on the situation.
(I looked at my posts and do not think said, “Have you tried making your mother happy?”). I did not word my comment that way. No one can make another person happy. All we can do is show some understanding and willingness to listen.
I completely understand why my mother is the way she is. I feel sorry for her. I wish she didn’t have to miss out on all she misses out on by choosing to not seek help to change her behavior. But none of that obligates me to have to take her abuse and hurt. It just doesn’t. If she were a drunk that refused to get treatment, nobody would think twice about me not letting my kids around her. She can be treated, she can learn new ways to communicate, she can learn to take ownership of her mistakes. She chooses not to. So I choose not to be in her life.
That's the nature of emotional abuse. You tell yourself it shouldn't hurt. Sometimes it doesn't! Sometimes we can roll our eyes and move on. But sometimes there IS intent. Or the comment without intent will be followed by lies and excuses to shift blame where it doesn't belong. I'm not dealing with a thoughtless person. I'm dealing with Narcissistic personality disorder. It isn't a normal way to grow up. It's exhausting.
I've done a lot of work over the years to learn to let things roll off my back. In most situations, I can do that. even with her. But not always.
And if I can choose to spend time with people who won't say hurtful things, with or without intent, or even choose to spend time alone, why wouldn't I do that?
Emotional abuse can be self inflicted if one is determined to do so. You can elect not to be offended by anything you hear simply by considering the source. Or, as you say, you can elect to spend time alone, even a lot of time, if that's what you want.
I completely understand why my mother is the way she is. I feel sorry for her. I wish she didn’t have to miss out on all she misses out on by choosing to not seek help to change her behavior. But none of that obligates me to have to take her abuse and hurt. It just doesn’t. If she were a drunk that refused to get treatment, nobody would think twice about me not letting my kids around her. She can be treated, she can learn new ways to communicate, she can learn to take ownership of her mistakes. She chooses not to. So I choose not to be in her life.
My defensiveness is growing by the minute. My mom badly wants us all to have a good time together but she just can't help saying things that hurt or offend us.
Since it is thanksgiving there will be a snarky comment about how my SIL doesn't like fruit pie and prefers chocolate pie for the holiday. and one for the fact that SIL likes Cool-Whip and I like whipped cream in a can and mom thinks we should ONLY have whipping cream and I have to explain to her that the cream in a can IS real cream.
There will be another snarky comment for each item on the menu that is something my mom would not have served and for anything my mom wants that isn't served.
There will be some comment about the fact that my brother and I have to be dairy free and I am gluten free and therefore adjust the recipes accordingly. (see above re: cool-whip)
There will be a snarky comment about my SILs mother being overbearing (which she is, a little, but she will be 1,000 miles away so it doesn't matter)
Mom will find some other comment to make that she claims is sharing but we find to be whining. She will complain that we aren't spending enough time together or doing the right things during our time together, or whatever.
Mom will find some way to insult our dead father, god rest his henpecked soul.
There will be a comment about how my kids didn't come because they like their other Nana better.
Etcetera.
So in September I think I'm doing a good duty by planning to spend thanksgiving with her (and lets be real...I have no one else to spend it with) but in the run up to the actual day I start rehearsing defensive comments in my head and they aren't good ones. They are bitchy and mean. I would like to take her hypocritical self down for her dislike of pumpkin pie. I would like to explain that I am the better mother because I don't guilt trip my kids over the choice they have to make every holiday. I am now in full nasty dread mode and hoping my car will break down on Wednesday afternoon before I get 2 miles out of town.
So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
I get sh*t from my mom b/c the last 4 thanksgivings we've been traveling (not to see family, just for fun - get the most of that PTO lol) … and she hates it. I don't really care. I see my family enough. Maybe it's taking for granted but the way I see it, my family is here right now and they're not going anywhere. I see them all the time anyway. Countries yeah aren't going anywhere either, but we may not always have the $$ to travel, or we may lose our jobs, or get hurt/sick etc etc or there's a war. I am going to keep traveling whether my family cares or not.
I completely understand why my mother is the way she is. I feel sorry for her. I wish she didn’t have to miss out on all she misses out on by choosing to not seek help to change her behavior. But none of that obligates me to have to take her abuse and hurt. It just doesn’t. If she were a drunk that refused to get treatment, nobody would think twice about me not letting my kids around her. She can be treated, she can learn new ways to communicate, she can learn to take ownership of her mistakes. She chooses not to. So I choose not to be in her life.
Absolutely I feel the same about my mother although I did not walk away or cut her off, I just stopped fighting to be in her life and she just didn’t care.
I completely understand why my mother is the way she is. I feel sorry for her. I wish she didn’t have to miss out on all she misses out on by choosing to not seek help to change her behavior. But none of that obligates me to have to take her abuse and hurt. It just doesn’t. If she were a drunk that refused to get treatment, nobody would think twice about me not letting my kids around her. She can be treated, she can learn new ways to communicate, she can learn to take ownership of her mistakes. She chooses not to. So I choose not to be in her life.
I could have written this about my own mother word for word. I agree with everything you said. I am not quite at the point I'm ready to cut her out of my life completely, but we live 1,000 miles apart so my interactions with her in person are limited to once a year. She will never come out where I live and visit me, so when I choose to stop coming back to my hometown I will probably never see her again. It's a sad statement, but true.
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I feel the same about my mother although I did not walk away or cut her off, I just stopped fighting to be in her life and she just didn’t care.
