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My defensiveness is growing by the minute. My mom badly wants us all to have a good time together but she just can't help saying things that hurt or offend us.
Since it is thanksgiving there will be a snarky comment about how my SIL doesn't like fruit pie and prefers chocolate pie for the holiday. and one for the fact that SIL likes Cool-Whip and I like whipped cream in a can and mom thinks we should ONLY have whipping cream and I have to explain to her that the cream in a can IS real cream.
There will be another snarky comment for each item on the menu that is something my mom would not have served and for anything my mom wants that isn't served.
There will be some comment about the fact that my brother and I have to be dairy free and I am gluten free and therefore adjust the recipes accordingly. (see above re: cool-whip)
There will be a snarky comment about my SILs mother being overbearing (which she is, a little, but she will be 1,000 miles away so it doesn't matter)
Mom will find some other comment to make that she claims is sharing but we find to be whining. She will complain that we aren't spending enough time together or doing the right things during our time together, or whatever.
Mom will find some way to insult our dead father, god rest his henpecked soul.
There will be a comment about how my kids didn't come because they like their other Nana better.
Etcetera.
So in September I think I'm doing a good duty by planning to spend thanksgiving with her (and lets be real...I have no one else to spend it with) but in the run up to the actual day I start rehearsing defensive comments in my head and they aren't good ones. They are bitchy and mean. I would like to take her hypocritical self down for her dislike of pumpkin pie. I would like to explain that I am the better mother because I don't guilt trip my kids over the choice they have to make every holiday. I am now in full nasty dread mode and hoping my car will break down on Wednesday afternoon before I get 2 miles out of town.
So I would like to be a better person. Please help me find neutral things to say when the convo gets uncomfortable. Because right now, the best I have, is meeting every single one of these comments by flicking mashed potatoes at her.
Oh man. I had the same problem when I was younger with an Aunt who would be there and just like you the come backs I thought of were too much. Way too mean.
You can't just say like chocolate is preferred by most people. SIL is in good company!
Honestly OP not sure how much good this will do. You are already primed, locked and loaded expecting it. You've already "rehearsed" but in a bad way. IME, turning to face them head on with a direct silent stare...long enough so others notice works pretty well. Let them squirm. If you don't respond, the only bad behavior others will see is theirs. They're fishing; counting on you to take the bait. Don't take it.
I don't know if this would work for you but this worked for a relative who was tired of her best friend complaining about every little thing. When the friend would start complaining my relative would turn and look in a different direction and completely ignore her (and maybe start talking to someone else). When the friend said something neutral or positive my relative would smile, look attentively at her, lean towards her and make happy, positive comments in return.
If they were talking on the phone and the friend said something negative or started complaining my relative would immediately say "Sorry, I have to go. Bye." and hang up the phone. She did that every time that her friend started complaining.
It did not take long for her friend to stop complaining so much and my relative started to enjoy her time with her friend, again.
OR, you could think of it as it's only one day. Honestly I'd give anything to have my mother alive to complain about. When I was younger I had anxiety about going like you, but I always ended up enjoying the people that didn't make snarky remarks, and totally surviving those that did. It was never as bad as I anticipated.
OR, you could think of it as it's only one day. Honestly I'd give anything to have my mother alive to complain about. When I was younger I had anxiety about going like you, but I always ended up enjoying the people that didn't make snarky remarks, and totally surviving those that did. It was never as bad as I anticipated.
It isn't one day. It's been 51 years. It is always as bad as I anticipate.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50676
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma
We tried that. not a good idea to drink that much in front of children and guess who is already an alcoholic?
Hm.
Well, then how about this.
Say you and your siblings have decided to do the Thankfullness charity game. Thanksgiving is for giving thanks, and recognizing our blessings.
So at the Thanksgiving dinner table, nobody can say anything negative. Nothing. Only compliments, and discussing of blessings, or stuff like is there more green bean casserole. Can I put some rolls back in the oven. Or tell funny stories and catch up on each other's news, all positive.
Anyone who says something negative has to put $5 into the charity jar. When she owes about $20, 2 minutes into the meal, your mom will see the pattern. She may not even recognize how often she's saying negative things.
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