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Take it from someone who is older than dirt. Even with years of counseling you will go to your grave hoping things will one day be different - and once they're gone - wishing they had been. The pain never goes away - it's the pain of a child who didn't get what they needed - and it remains long after you've stopped blaming yourself and wondering what you could have done differently to be more lovable in their eyes.
There's no figuring them out. They're needy, unhealthy, unstable, and instead of trying to seek help, they probably turned to religion. You did the right thing by saying you couldn't help them. Once you tend to the wound they've reopened, you'll feel better. Right now things are raw and you need to vent. That's all this is, I think.
The pain never goes away.
But counseling can help recognize what's going on and make different choices.
This would be particularly helpful in forming new relationships, creating a family that is functional and supportive.
Take it from someone who is older than dirt. Even with years of counseling you will go to your grave hoping things will one day be different - and once they're gone - wishing they had been. The pain never goes away - it's the pain of a child who didn't get what they needed - and it remains long after you've stopped blaming yourself and wondering what you could have done differently to be more lovable in their eyes.
There's no figuring them out. They're needy, unhealthy, unstable, and instead of trying to seek help, they probably turned to religion. You did the right thing by saying you couldn't help them. Once you tend to the wound they've reopened, you'll feel better. Right now things are raw and you need to vent. That's all this is, I think.
They have chosen their path and you have chosen your path. There is no compatibility and neither can change the other. You may find them in your thoughts a lot now, especially when you go to bed at night. As time passes and you progress in your life, it will be less frequent. Why do I say this?
I had a similar separation by choice with a portion of my family. What has given me peace is always wishing them well in my thoughts and being thankful that I chose differently. We have had no association for 15 years and I am happy and peaceful. I was recently told by a cousin that just last month they were bad-mouthing about me at a wedding, still bitter lies. It will never change.
You know the "Dad" (I don't want to dirty the word, 'Father') in Dolores Claiborne? He stole the bank account that Dolores had worked herself half-to-death to build, so that she could put their daughter through college (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKdANxJw4ho) - all this, while the "dad" was sexually abusing the daughter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXF2zw2UOe8
Well, your "Dad" (again, I don't want to dirty the word 'Father', by referring to that creature as such) STOLE your grant money, and repeatedly emotionally abused you, for protracted periods of time. Putting you into a double bind situation regarding your mother, is every bit as damaging as sexual abuse.
Those creatures have pseudospeciated you. You are an outsider to them, now - just a prey animal to be taken-down. They are manipulative and predatory. You owe them nothing, and would do well to avoid them. Please don't allow them to define the issues, or to frame the narrative or the dialogue, to suit their agenda.
Apparently, you are quite a person, with superior intellectual abilities, and excellent money-management capabilities. You've got 'MOXY'. Please stop allowing them to hijack your moxy and steal your productivity. Focus on amassing wealth - FOR YOURSELF - and finding a high-earning/loyal/dependable significant other, and a support group who won't exploit or abandon you.
If they are all religious nuts, tell them you are sending thoughts and prayers, and God will provide. If that doesn't work, they need to contact your financial manager, Helen Hunt. If they want money, they should go to Helen Hunt for it.
If they are all religious nuts, tell them you are sending thoughts and prayers, and God will provide. If that doesn't work, they need to contact your financial manager, Helen Hunt. If they want money, they should go to Helen Hunt for it.
Read that aloud if it doesn't make sense.
Demanding money is just one more form of abuse.
LOL!!! I'm using that Helen Line! Too funny, yet true!
Yes, I hope it is just a temporary upheaval. Perhaps it was the closure I needed to finally allow myself to grieve, heal and move on with my life. I think subsconciously I was holding on to the fantasy that they may miss me and thus changed their ways, but it seems it's even worse than it was before.
They spend their days preaching about religion and how other people are evil and sinners, yet they're the first to throw hate at their daughter/sibling for money. I highly doubt religion encourages hatred resulting from money-related conflicts.
The best that I can do is pray for these people to live a peaceful and abundant life away from me. At this stage, their are strangers to me.
I didn't realize you have 2 threads about them. You left out what I have bolded from your other thread. You asked your sister if she can't buy school supplies, clothes or food. She said "no" Sounds like they're buying what they need to and I would guess that they live pretty large and don't know how to manage money. They probably should cut the fat with cell phones, internet and food shop better if I were to guess..
It's a hard age to lose your family again. Been there and done that. You need to move on. They weren't family to begin with. You know this. You're allowing them to mentally control you. You're letting them win. You have to find a better way to get them out of your head. Shut down the instagram.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostinPhilly
I was thinking about this as well. If I am to give money, they will keep asking me for money all the time and all of my financial plans will be on "pause" status because all I will be doing is giving them money. I had about 5K in savings (from my own money) when I was in college and because my father was a signatory on my account, he took the full 5K for his personal use. I ended up in severe debt when I finished college with absolutely no cash to go to interviews etc... and he refused to give me money to attend interviews at the time. I struggled a lot when I finished college.
Three years ago, before I fully cut them off, I was in a sticky situation and asked for 200$. They refused when it could have helped me to move to another city for a permanent contract. Then two days later called me to tell me they bought my brother a car. I ended up figuring things out for myself and told them never to call me again.
When I left four years ago, they told me they were struggling. Now four years later, they still tell me the same thing. My brother graduated college and is making money as well. My sisters are still in high school. My dad has a job and makes great money. It's the same story over and over again. Why can't they ask my brother? His car alone is worth 3 months of my salary.
I just told my sister that I find it rather disappointing that my father is asking me for money after 4 years of no-contact. She said she doesn't agree and my father always thought of me. She said I'm the one who rejected them. When I said a lot of things hurt me in the past, she never responded to that and skipped that part.
However, to test it out, I asked her if she felt any consequences from this so-called "financial struggle" my father is talking about as in she can't buy school supplies, clothes or food. She said "no". This proves the whole claim is exaggerated.
My last response to her is: "I'm busy at the moment, I will have to think about it".
I probably won't respond any further as this will just re-open the drama where it was once left. I want a true family with an emotional support and the first question after 4 years of no contact is "Can you give me money?". They will never understand why I cut them off in the first place if they're still in the same mindset they were in 4 years ago. It proves they will never change.
They don't realize the amount of abuse they put me through and how much I wanted to have an emotional connection with my parents. They don't get it. I will have to delete my Instagram altogether if both my brother and sister are onto me now. I don't want to live my life off social media, but I know that whatever social media I will have, they will find it. My sister is probably the main vessel.
It was the first time in 4 years they wishes me a happy birthday via my sister or at all. Now, I know why. Instead of being happy that I am alive and healthy, they ask me for money. I've seen parents shed tears over their children getting in touch after a few years because they were so happy. I'm sure the last thing on these parents' mind was money.
I simply cannot understand how they can go from me not speaking to/seeing them in 4 years due to a severely broken relationship to sending me happy birthday wishes through my sister and asking me for money the following week? There was no phone call to reestablish contact nothing. They just sent me wishes through my sister on my birthday and this week, I get this email from my sister telling me my father is asking for money.
The logic would be to first try and repair the emotional bond between the parent and the child. Then once the re-establish a semi-normal relationship (which can take months or years), then at that stage, you can dare to make such requests and even so. This s baffling to me. They didn't even try to re-establish any bond.
Thankfully, they don't have my phone number or address.
A hard no. My wife has been going through quite a few very similar situations in the past couple of years where friends that she hadn't spoken to in years all the sudden pop up out of no where to try to make a re-connection, then they ask her for a big favor then disappear.
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