Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It may just be temporary emotional upheaval. We tend to revert back to the dysfunction of our childhoods when we're with toxic family members. Right now, you're in shock and disappointed. That doesn't mean all your hard work was undone - it just means you need a minute to get over this temporary shock and disappointment.
You already have the answers within you. You've done the work. They needed something so they tried to manipulate you and when that didn't work, it made them angry and they lashed out at you. It has zero to do with you and everything to do with their dysfunction.
I'm sorry you went through this. You'll be fine.
This is pretty much my feelings. They haven't undone all your work. You just got a smack-in-the-face reminder of why that work was necessary, and I believe you will quickly bounce back from this. Don't let their evil disgusting behavior control your feelings going forward. You are stronger for what happened in your childhood, and this will make you stronger still. Just know that not all people are like this. There are good people out there, you just have to not be afraid to let them in. Think of your birth family as an adoptee would, just some people who gave you up for their own reasons, and know that you will get yourself adopted by a better family. The one you create from friends, and someday a spouse if you want.
I came from a tough childhood. It's only now, some 45 years later that I can look back and assign the real issues where they belonged all along. I don't think about it a lot, but some nights when I can't sleep I find myself going over parts of it again, and I've realized that things in my past look very different from the way I'd seen them as a teen or even young adult under the harsh light that is time and distance. Now I know that there was no excuse for the things that happened to us, but there were reasons. And now with the perspective gained from knowledge that I've only gained in the last few years, I continue to move forward and let that knowledge inform my actions and interactions.
Block 'em all. See your therapist. Let it go. Move onward and upward to a better life going forward.
They have chosen their path and you have chosen your path. There is no compatibility and neither can change the other. You may find them in your thoughts a lot now, especially when you go to bed at night. As time passes and you progress in your life, it will be less frequent. Why do I say this?
I had a similar separation by choice with a portion of my family. What has given me peace is always wishing them well in my thoughts and being thankful that I chose differently. We have had no association for 15 years and I am happy and peaceful. I was recently told by a cousin that just last month they were bad-mouthing about me at a wedding, still bitter lies. It will never change.
You can have the life you want. Best wishes!!!
That doesn't work for everyone. Some people need a clean break, they are not able to be good with hearing the gossip from other parties still associated with the abusers.
This is pretty much my feelings. They haven't undone all your work. You just got a smack-in-the-face reminder of why that work was necessary, and I believe you will quickly bounce back from this. Don't let their evil disgusting behavior control your feelings going forward. You are stronger for what happened in your childhood, and this will make you stronger still. Just know that not all people are like this. There are good people out there, you just have to not be afraid to let them in. Think of your birth family as an adoptee would, just some people who gave you up for their own reasons, and know that you will get yourself adopted by a better family. The one you create from friends, and someday a spouse if you want.
I came from a tough childhood. It's only now, some 45 years later that I can look back and assign the real issues where they belonged all along. I don't think about it a lot, but some nights when I can't sleep I find myself going over parts of it again, and I've realized that things in my past look very different from the way I'd seen them as a teen or even young adult under the harsh light that is time and distance. Now I know that there was no excuse for the things that happened to us, but there were reasons. And now with the perspective gained from knowledge that I've only gained in the last few years, I continue to move forward and let that knowledge inform my actions and interactions.
Block 'em all. See your therapist. Let it go. Move onward and upward to a better life going forward.
Agree. Their BS made us who we are today and we won't ever act like them
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
They have chosen their path and you have chosen your path. There is no compatibility and neither can change the other. You may find them in your thoughts a lot now, especially when you go to bed at night. As time passes and you progress in your life, it will be less frequent. Why do I say this?
I had a similar separation by choice with a portion of my family. What has given me peace is always wishing them well in my thoughts and being thankful that I chose differently. We have had no association for 15 years and I am happy and peaceful. I was recently told by a cousin that just last month they were bad-mouthing about me at a wedding, still bitter lies. It will never change.
You can have the life you want. Best wishes!!!
Same here, almost 15 years later... I don't wish them well. I don't give them any head space
If they are all religious nuts, tell them you are sending thoughts and prayers, and God will provide. If that doesn't work, they need to contact your financial manager, Helen Hunt. If they want money, they should go to Helen Hunt for it.
I think the one thing that is less pressure is the fact that they estranged themselves from all of their relatives, so I do not have any distant relatives who can get involved against my will.
They stopped talking to their respective siblings (on both sides) years ago and my mother cut her parents off a while ago. My father's parents have passed away. They don't have any relatives aside from their children. It's a bit of a pattern in this "family" to cut each other off.
Oddly enough, they are the only ones who are estranged from their respective families. All of the other members of their respective families are all in touch. It's not really my business, but I am just pointing out it is a pattern with them because they can't even bear their own siblings/families. Everyone is either jealous of them or toxic to them. My brother himself cut my mother off for about 2 years after he found out about her affair, so he's in no place to be judging.
If they have no issues cutting relatives off, then they can realize it's a pattern.
In all fairness, I would never feel comfortable introducing a possible boyfriend/husband or have my kids around them. I'm sure they would not approve of any partner and I would not want my children to be brainwashed or judged. This has been my mindset since I was young.
They blamed everything on me, even their oney failures from when I was a child. One year I really wanted a Christmas tree (they don't celebrate Christmas). I was about 4 four. They bought me that tree and about 2 years later, they started having money issues. They blamed it on me! They said I forced them to buy that Christmas tree and God was punishing them for celebrating Christmas by buying me that tree. Then again, one year they misplaced some money I believe and they claimed I was the one who took the money and threw it out of the window (literally). I was about 2 - How could that be? It seems they associate every single money issue they have with me. The extra-marrital affair, it was me as well. The beating up, it was me as well. I've always carried the liability of all their failures and if it wasn't me, it was someone who threw a curse or a spell at them. They even justified my mother's extra-marrital affair of 5 years as a result of a spell that was put upon her and started their religious extremism. That's when I lost faith in their ability to have logic, empathy and reason.
I realized something was off the moment my sister radically changed in July. She went from being a "normal" teenager to saying she doesn't want any friends, following religious extremists online and changing her attire entirely. She claims it's a choice she had in mind for years, but I doubt so. My sister is not the type to go against the wind and is rather submissive, so I'm not surprised. However, that's when I noticed something was off.
I appreciated that they paid for my education, but surely enough it's not what put them into debt and that does not mean I owe them for the rest of my life knowing they were draining my accounts or taking my money anyway. I graduated 4 years ago (when I cut them off) and they're still in the same situation supposedly. They should have recovered by now. If they're able to afford sending my siblings to private schools, buy them Macbooks and cars when I asked for 200$ at my weakest point post-college life; they sure can sort themselves out now.
It's a bit sad to face the reality that I am really alone now. I don't have a boyfriend/husband and no one knows about my story only a therapist. People think I'm this polished, polite and educated go-getter (which I am), but they have no clue what's going on inside. I cry as soon as I get home these days. It's a bit of a rough patch, but I think I needed this to finally realize that I can only rely on myself and push myself towards my goals (once I've recovered from this low). Hopefully, this episode is a way for me to shed the dead skin left with their imprint and resurface with my own identity. I'm really hoping I will go back to my confident bubbly self soon.
These people don't realize how toxic they are and hide everything under the religious umbrella. If they were that religious, they would not throw hate at their sibling/daughter for money. Your faith should be stronger than your hate and you should know that hating on someone due to money-related disagreements goes against whatever it is you're preaching. They make no sense. Religion is only a tool for whenever it is convenient for them (imposing rules on their children, threatening their children with God's punishment, judging their children's choices etc..). Religion oddly enough did not have the same impact when it came to them having affairs or emotionally and physically hurting their children.
I'm guessing they had children because that's what they were supposed to do, not because that's what they wanted.
Last edited by LostinPhilly; 11-27-2019 at 12:34 PM..
Do what in your heart you feel is best. Nobody can wrong you for that. Your siblings can go F off. Ignore them. A little more difficult with your parents. But in the end it's your decision right or wrong. Hang in there and take care of you first.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
