Estranged family asking me for money after 4 years of no contact (father, siblings)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am the eldest of 4 kids and come from a very abusive household. My mother was the main perpetrator, however, my father never really stood up for me. For some reason, the abuse (whether physical, emotional or verbal) was always directed at me. I would get hit/beaten on a daily basis up until I was 18. It was constant abuse and understandably, my mental health was in bits as I was not allowed to have any friends nor get out of the house unless it was for school. I posted about this in great lengths in the past.
At 18, I moved abroad for college. My father paid part of my way through college (accomodation only, the rest was paid by myself or through grants), but I also had grants. I managed to save up to 6000$ from my grants in order to complete a graduate degree or for when I'd start working. As my father was a signatory on my account, he took the full 6000$ for his personal use. I never saw the money again. Of course, when I finished college, I ended up in debt because of the amount of money he took from my savings & grants. I barely had 50$ to paid for a train ride to attend interviews etc.. When I asked him to help me out, he said I finished college and the deal was he wouldn't help me past college.
Fine. I managed to scrap some money and get started. Then I saved some cash and moved abroad.
During these years, my mother also had an extra-marrital affair. My father found out through me as she got me heavily involved in this situation. When he found out, she claimed I was lying and started abusing me on an obsessive basis. My father even forced me to apologize to her for lying about her affair. He supposedly was aware the affair was happening, but he said I needed to apologize to make her feel better.
Anyway. A few years ago, I was in a tough spot looking for a job (before I moved abroad) and was with them. The abuse kept happening until the day I packed my bags and left. During that time, my family had turned to extreme religious conservatism as a result from my mother's actions. They said the evils took over the house and it was cursed and they needed to clear that. They all changed their attire and religion become their main focus.
When I left, I decided to cut ties as the situation was really unhealthy. My sister reconnected with me about 2 years later (in 2017) and we were fine until a few weeks ago. She too decided to go down the extreme religious route overnight. Then, on my birthday, I get a text from her telling me my parents wish me a happy birthday. I never allowed her to tell them that she was in touch with me, but fine. Then all of the sudden, my brother sends me a DM on Instagram (not sure how he found it, probably through my sister) with a religious greeting and wishing me a happy birthday and hoping everything is fine with me. My brother and I don't really get along as I believe he's the one who feeds this whole religious narcissism and he knows I don't operate that way. I replied saying thank you and left it at that.
All of the sudden, I get a message from my sister on Thursday telling me my father wants to speak to me because he needs me. I haven't spoken to him since I left 4 years ago, nor have I seen anyone. I had cut all of them. I thought something was going on with his health and I'd regret it if I didn't speak to him in case something happens (turns out he's in perfect health).
Turns out he wants money! He said he is in a precarious situation and needs money urgently (this is what he's always said whenever he needed money). I was shocked. Instead of trying to re-establish a bond with your estranged daughter, the first thing you do is ask for money? He saw how poorly I was doing mentally before I left 4 years ago. How is it appropriate to send well-wishes for a birthday and the next week ask for cash to your daughter you haven't spoken to in 4 years? The wishes were sent via text through my sister, not even a phone call (they don't have my number).
I'm baffled. I have to say, I had hoped they would try to re-create an emotional bond first and perhaps apologize for the pain they caused me. No, the first thing they ask for is money. They don't know how I'm doing, nor did they bother to ask. At least try and find out how I'm doing before asking for cash.
I think my sister is the main vessel for this whole ordeal. She's the only one I was talking to and she's the only one who has my contact details (Instagram/email). Suddenly, my brother gets a handle of my Instagram and sees my post (travels etc..) and a week later I get asked for cash. Mind you, they hadn't bothered to wish me a happy birthday since I left four years ago as I assume they were doing pretty well (my father has his own company). My father/parents hadn't tried to re-establish contact in 4 years and suddenly, my brother gets visibility of my Instagram and they're asking me for cash. Right.
I told my sister it's a pity to ask for money before trying to re-establish a bond. Her response basically accused me of rejecting my father and said that I'm the one who left. She fully knows the story and saw me being abused and in bits. When I told her a lot of things hurt me and that's why I cut ties, she disregarded that piece and said my father always thought of me.
I do feel bad for him and the fact that he's struggling. He's getting old and closer to retirement, but at the same time, no one stood up for me when I was abused and he fed into my mother's delusion. He's always claimed he had financial issues when I was in college and even when I left and was no longer a burden. Plus, he has my brother who works and has a car that's worth 3 times my salary. Why can't he ask him?
I ended up sending a brief and quick message to my sister saying the following:
"Hi. I am very sorry to hear about what is current being encountered. Unfortunately, I will not be in a position to contribute as I have quite significant financial obligations at the moment and it would be quite difficult for me to assist. I am sorry. I sincerely hope you (the family) will find a solution quickly. I wish you all the very best for the future. Regards."
She just replied: "No problem (A my name), I completely understand and I hope we'll find a solution soon".
Today, I was at work and I got a really nasty and abusive long email from my brother calling me names, saying I had disappointed everybody, that we grew up port and I can’t bring myself to help. He said I shouldn’t respond because he’s blocking me and that I'm dead to him.
I haven't reached out to him in 4 years. He thinks because I politely said thank you to his birthday message, I want to be in touch? If I'm dead to them because I can't hand out money I don't have, then I never existed to them as a daughter or a sibling in the first place.
As I suspected, he’s the one pulling the strings. Oddly enough, my father’s request for money came after I had accepted my brother’s request to follow me on Instagram and replied when he wished me a happy birthday. He said he’s going to block me but he’s the one who reached out first. I never sought up contact him in the first place. He’s delusional. I swear, ever since I gave him access to my Instagram, I haven’t been able to have a peaceful day. He’s clearly the one pulling the strings. He really seems to have gotten worse over the years. Instead of peacefully asking me to perhaps assist to the extent that I can or even asking how I'm doing, he's sending me an abusive message. The "Happy Birthday, hope all is well and I wish you all the best" quickly went out the window when I said no to giving money.
Even if I wanted to help, the savings I have don't even cover half their request (I only have 2k). How am I meant to help?
I'm feeling incredibly unwell right now and quite frankly, I am scared.
I did not think that my father paying for part of my education (and left me high and dry) meant I owed them for the rest of my life. Isn't it what parents do? Assist their children to create the best possible future without expecting anything in return? If I had known I'd be owing them for the rest of my life, I would have taken out a loan quite frankly. This is not my view of parenting.
You have no obligation to communicate with, let alone assist, people who are toxic. You have done the right thing. Your siblings are processing/avoiding their abuse in the best way they know how. Don't let that derail you.
Even if I wanted to help, the savings I have don't even cover half their request (I only have 2k). How am I meant to help?
I know you've already declined to help, but don't tell them this, because they will take what you have if you let them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Block them all, especially your brother, and don't think another thing about it.
Don't respond to any more messages.
Take this advice and don't look bad. As for your father, he may have paid part, but he stole $6,000 that was meant for you education, so I'd say you're even. You owe him and your abusive family nothing.
You responded perfectly to the request for money. Your long post displays a need for love and acceptance. Sadly, as time goes on you must build relationships with others outside of your original family to gain emotional connectivity in this world. Please find a counselor or support group. You are quietly grieving a death — the death of hope for family love and inclusion. You can learn to mourn this loss, not get sucked into the drama, and find a better, new family over time.
You can learn to mourn this loss, not get sucked into the drama, and find a better, new family over time.
Exactly.
We don't get to pick our parents, OP, and just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean you are obligated to fall for every request they send your way.
You now have to be the advocate for yourself the way your parents never were.
Your sense of hope for a better relationship caused you to reach out to your brother in good will, but now you see that nothing really has changed. So you know it's safe to eliminate his ability to keep up with you online from afar, and stop him from contacting you.
Cut off contact. Do not get sucked back in with them. You have a highly toxic, disordered, abusive, and dysfunctional family. They sound absolutely horrible. Make a clean break and do not look back. They have caused you to feel frightened and unwell now with this contact, and you should get counseling or therapy for healing and support from all of the trauma from being in this toxic family.
OP, I've read your other post about this situation and was baffled by your "logic" about how they should've handled the situation. It doesn't seem you get how insidious the path you thought should happen really is. Nobody should be rekindling a relationship just to ask for a favor. I still stand by my suggestion about getting therapy to deal with this because you're really not okay with what happened to you. It's a familiar one. There is a term for it. You are the family scapegoat.
You can't really help this situation. Your siblings won't really get it because they either stay silent (your sister) or they go along with it and perpetuate the cycle (your brother). Siblings don't usually change because it's not them suffering and bearing the brunt of it. Likely they'll never be on your side or help, because after all who wants to suffer like that? Your parents aren't going to change,this is the dynamic they're most comfortable with.
Go ahead and shelve this family dynamic. You can't win and you're not meant to. It's ok to live life on your terms and hopefully if/when you have kids, you'd be a better parent to them. But do seek counseling to help you deal with this effectively.
I was going to therapy for a while after cutting them off, but then I left better and stopped.
However, this episode has me reverting back to anxiety & anger attacks and constant panic mode. I called a therapist this morning to book an appointment as I know this will certainly drive me into another blackhole if I dismiss the effects for too long.
They just all dropped on me like plagues. I simply responded to a "Happy Birthday, we wish you all the very best" from both my brother and my family (via my sister) and this is what it resulting into, more abuse. The well-wishes didn't last long after I refused to give in.
It's crystal clear they reached out simply for money, thinking birthday wishes were going to do the trick. I think this episode was meant to give me closure on the idea that we may someday have a functioning relationship. It's time to give on a fantasy that held me back for far too long. I felt guilty for a while thinking losing me would allow them to put things in perspective, but I realize they will never change. They only see me as a vehicle to an end. At least, I can now confirm that they have not change and certainly never will.
How come in 4 years they didn't try to reach out and suddenly reach out now?
My brother is completely disconnected from reality. He sends me an abusive message on a matter that quite fraknly is none of his business and he ends the message by saying "you're dead to me, I'm blocking you, no need to respond". This is a manipulative technique to portray himself as a victim when he's the one who reached out first and is abusing me but is acting as though I'm the one chasing him by saying he needs to block me. He probably feels great throwing his hate and blocking me, so that I cannot respond (I was not going to). It's far easier to do that.
He was trying to teach me a lesson saying we grew up poor and yadi yada. Just because we grew up "poor" (whatever this means), doesn't mean I owe them anything. He was offered a very expensive car, luxurious clothing, holidays etc.. he probably spent more money on trivial items and trips than I did on college and he's here giving me a patronizing lesson. He needs to realize that me not wanting to give my parents money is certainly none of his business and he sure should not be getting involved in matters that do not concern him.
It's easier to bully than to talk for these people, clearly.
He is blocked. As far as my sister goes, I simply sent an message saying:
"I will be deleting my Instagram shortly. I believe I do not deserve to be subjected to harassment over a decision I made in light of my current financial situation. No one except me has visibility over my financial capacities and current situation. My decision was made in consideration of various factors and I would appreciate for it to be respected. I sincerely wish you all the very best and a lot of happiness for the future. I love you.
She's only 16 and I know she is influenced by my parents. I've been in touch for two years and I felt as though I needed to let her know I love her before I let her go. It wouldn't be fair to cut her off without a proper closure as she's just caught in the middle of this. Perhaps I made a mistake sending her this message, but at least, she knows I didn't abandon her voluntarily.
I was doing so well and had just reached a great spot in my personal life and emotional well-being. It will take me a while to get over this episode, to feel safe & confident again. It's as though they managed to destroy me again. They're energy vampires - sucking any positivity that dares presenting itself at my door.
Last edited by LostinPhilly; 11-25-2019 at 02:22 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
