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In 2014 I met a woman my age in a meetup group and we hit it off (I'll call her Susan)...we were good friends for the next 2 years. At one point in early 2016 she got mad at me for something I said (she's more sensitive than I realized) and she seemed to be ending the friendship, but I said a lot of things in email from my heart and I won her back. Our last emails were in May 2016 and everything seemed fine. At that point she went back to college for a degree, it was very intense and her social life completely shut down. I don't remember if I saw her again that year. We chatted on FB now and then. After she got her degree, she took a job working nights. As far as I know no one in the group ever saw her again. A few months ago I messaged her, I thanked her for some advice she gave me years ago that was very profound and still helpful now. I told her I missed her. She replied "I miss everyone" and said she was quitting her job in another month. So now she has a job working days, and I talked about getting together, she wrote "sounds good." I waited a few weeks and wrote back saying "I don't want to keep pestering you, if you want to get together, let me know." She never replied.
The issue for me is that I've been struggling with friendships since we moved to TN. They just don't last and in the past few years I lost 3 long time, very close female friends and I don't even understand why. Susan has been the only friend who's forgiven me for something. And she is the only friend I've had who really took an interest in my life and didn't go on and on about herself. She is the only ex-friend I truly miss. We have quite a few things in common. It seems like we're done but she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. When I first messaged her a few months ago, I think she had unfriended me, but I friended her back, she just doesn't post on FB anymore. Should I let her go? Or ask for a definitive answer? Or just keep making efforts? Wait til next year? Please advise.
I want to add - if this were about a guy (ex-boyfriend) I would DEFINITELY want a definitive answer. So since I care about her a lot, I probably should request it...unless you think I am an idiot because her lack of response is answer enough.
It shouldn't or wouldn't matter to me if the person is male or female. If you see that you're being blown off, who needs them?! I never had friends really either except 1 during a few various times in my whole life. I've never, ever been a part of a group of friends or anything. But I'm not going to make or beg ANYONE to be my friend. Always remember...
If someone really wants to do something, they will. If they don't, they won't.
People know if they want to get together w/ you or not. You don't have to keep reminding them, looking desperate & all that.
The issue for me is that I've been struggling with friendships since we moved to TN. They just don't last and in the past few years I lost 3 long time, very close female friends and I don't even understand why. Susan has been the only friend who's forgiven me for something. Susan has been the only friend who's forgiven me for something.
Do you often do or say things that need the forgiveness of others?
Regarding the difficulty finding friends after a new move--I feel your pain. I moved to Tucson from New England a few years ago. My local social group remains extremely small, and none of them has become a truly close friend. This becomes harder as we get older, I think, although my mother developed some of her best friendships when she was in her 60s. Even so, in your shoes I'd probably let Susan go at this point, but leave the door open to communications from her.
No, I don't often do things that require forgiveness.
Perhaps we get more set in our ways as we get older (less flexible) thus making friendships harder, I don't know.
Thank you Forever Blue.
It's just the fact that everything was fine between us while she was in school, so I'm not understanding why things changed. But maybe she has new friends.
No, I don't often do things that require forgiveness.
Perhaps we get more set in our ways as we get older (less flexible) thus making friendships harder, I don't know.
Thank you Forever Blue.
It's just the fact that everything was fine between us while she was in school, so I'm not understanding why things changed. But maybe she has new friends.
It sounds like the friendship has been on a backburner for a long time time and things have changed in her life. Have you seen her at all since 2016?
No, I don't often do things that require forgiveness.
Perhaps we get more set in our ways as we get older (less flexible) thus making friendships harder, I don't know.
Thank you Forever Blue.
It's just the fact that everything was fine between us while she was in school, so I'm not understanding why things changed. But maybe she has new friends.
It sounds like her life has changed profoundly. She has made new contacts/connections with new people and spending time with those who have more in common with that life. It is understandable and happens all the time. Friendships ebb and flow. It isn't anyone's "fault", it just happens. She isn't actively rejecting you, she's just not on the same page about life as you two were before. If she really wants to reconnect she will. If not, let it fade. You don't need to "end" anything. It will take care of itself.
I've had a few friends like this. We got to know each other through a particular activity, job, neighborhood, etc, and became close. One or the other moved away, ended the activity, changed jobs and things started to fade. We were always cordial, but we had less and less in common. When reconnections become forced, its time to stop.
^^^^As usual, Parnassia said it best. I've had many friends come and go. Dynamics change.
I'd let her go and not start anything else. If she comes back, OK. But don't count on it. I wouldn't get "close" again in any case. But sorry this happened to you.
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