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The day is NOT ending as it started and I'm sitting here feeling really sad and overwhelmed and even though I've done just about everything possible (at 2am) to get ready I really, really REALLY don't want to go. I really want to stay here where I feel safe and comfortable with my family. The last time I felt this way I made it to the airport, but couldn't get myself to go inside. It was my grandmother's funeral and she was my favorite relative.
But this is about my mother.
If you go back through my posts you'll find many posts about my mom, starting about the time I joined CD in 2012. I really don't want to get into any one of them specifically, right now, but at some point years ago I had made a prediction that it would all come crashing down in some magnificently horrible situation. My mother did not disappoint and, boy, did she deliver: Critical condition in ICU.
My sister had called me around 5pm and said she was on her way to take my mom to the ER. My mother's friend had called her and said my mom had shown up to her home (as she had been planning to do) throwing up blood, not breathing well and falling over. The friend had asked her to go to at least Urgent care, which she refused to do, but did agree to leave her friend's home and go back home. Meanwhile the friend called my sister and without hesitation my sister jumped in the car to get her (she called me from the car). She went to mom's home, but my mom didn't answer the door or her phone. She called me back... only three choices (1) at the hospital (2) unresponsive (3) really mean.. My sister went back to her home and found an extra key (quicker than calling the cops) and got inside... the first thing she noticed was the kitchen was covered in alcoholic beverage bottles, take out food, rotting food, debris everywhere, dishes everywhere.. covering every single surface of the kitchen. More alcoholic bottles in the dining room, the living room.. and then she noticed the vomit -everywhere-... she had thrown up all over the floors in all three bathrooms, the walls, on the stairs (next to more bottles of alcohol). My mother was found on her bed, moaning, lying in her own urine. Ambulance was called, mom was admitted.. she's currently intubated with a diagnosis of pancreatitis.
It's common in alcoholics.
My mother has kept a clean and orderly home for as long as I can remember. At most I've only seen her have a second drink and usually she won't drink unless others are having one (we don't drink). We never kept alcohol in the house when I was young. I never remembered seeing alcohol in her home when we'd visit her after I moved out.
That all said.. There were times since I joined CD where we (my sister and I) knew something was off, but couldn't put our finger on it.. we knew she was stressed out because of the divorce from my dad, or the finances involved with the divorce... we knew that stress and anxiety, in extreme forms, can make someone a little forgetful. My sister had no reason to believe she had been drinking and yet.. there were a few times where she would comment to me "mom sounds drunk"... but we had never actually seen her drunk before... ever!
Mom keeps to herself. She doesn't talk about personal stuff.. she keeps her feelings to herself and certainly would never, ever talk about problems that could be associated to weak character, incompetence or inferiority. Only physical health problems were okay to mention... sometime.
I had talked to her last week: We were exchanging our menu ideas for Thanksgiving. I sent her a couple recipes.
And now she's in ICU because she poisoned herself with alcohol and possibly destroyed her pancreas.
My husband thinks she was trying to kill herself... how else to explain such a violent, over-the-top destruction of self and home?
I told my sister my husband's theory and she called me back to say that, interestingly, one of the few places that is organized is the dinning table and there appears to be a bunch of documents, tax documents, insurance documents.. even her passport... as if preparation had been intentional...
I'm so sorry that this is coming to such a stress filled time...
I haven't found ONE book that walks a person completely thru these upheaval moments. Despite the religious zealots that constantly say ''ALL the answers are in here!"(points to bible).
Might I suggest though that to take things in small steps.....One inhale and exhale at a time.
Your Mother is going thru a medical challenge....No time to judge her .....Time to offer comfort...
Aw man! I'm sad for all of you! Your poor sister, it must have been horrible for her, to have to walk through the house and see all the mess and to see your mother in that condition.
Go, and support your sister, and between the two of you, and the doctors, you'll be able to figure out some of the next steps. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.
Your mom has made her choices. Her actions were intentional, including showing up at her friend's house in that state, refusing help, and returning home.
I'm sorry this is so hard on you. It's a real shame. But you have to maintain healthy detachment and your personal boundaries so her own shame and self-destructive tendencies don't affect your own health.
I don't have any real advice to offer, just wanted to say that I've been in a similar situation and it is awful. My MIL and wife had been estranged for a while, and hadn't had any contact in a year. Late one night my wife received a phone call that her mom was in the ICU. Without going into details, my MIL's situation resulted in a severe and permanent disability. My wife and her parents moved to the US from another country, and my wife is her only family on this side of the Atlantic. Her mother was suddenly thrust back into our lives. My wife had to scramble to get power of attorney, then we had to deal with her mother's home (which was in a state of disarray) finances, and try and figure out her long term care. During this time we also had a toddler and another baby on the way, and we were still dealing with the fallout of my (wonderful) mother's death a few months before.
The year following that phone call was honestly terrible and stressful. My wife has always suffered from depression and anxiety. She had been managing it pretty well, but this whole situation really worsened it tenfold.
We managed to get through though, and you will too. For us we just had to remember that there were other important, more pleasant things happening in our lives that also required our attention. For us it was our young children who needed us even if the rest of the world seemed to be falling apart around us. Maybe you have a similar thing you can also focus on so that your life isn't completely consumed by this?
You can do this. Many of us have gotten those horrible, unbelievable calls. Go, be with your sister and your mom, keep in touch with your husband and close friends for support. Listen to the doctors and nurses. None of us have wanted to be sitting in hospitals wondering what will happen next.
I don't know of any instruction book for situations like this, but personally, I depended on the Bible when I was in the hospital with my son and parents.
Seems to me she was hiding it for a looooooooooooooong time. Accumulation of take out food doesn't suggest (to me) something sudden done on purpose. I understand the point about all those documents though.
Is there a book for it? Probably not. But there is a prayer I (as an agnostic) can recommend: the Serenity Prayer.
"Almighty God,
I ask You for the strength to bear the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You just have to do the best you can, and remember that a lot of what is coming will be out of your control, so don't be too hard on yourself.
There is no book for dysfunction and yes it overwhelms.
Go be with your family and hope that your Mom comes out ok.
It's obvious you can no longer help her so if she survives you will need outside counseling for her.
Best of luck.
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