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You can not call him and risk your mother CHOOSING not to come to your wedding. I used the word choosing on purpose because your mother allows this and enables it.
You can call and hopefully he won’t interfere and your mother will come to your wedding.
Either way you choose the bottom line is this, if you cut him off you will most likely lose your mother too. Or she will spend the rest of her life being nagged and bullied into pressuring you or be made to feel guilty. Perhaps you could encourage your mother to go to a counselor.
I am going to disagree. Since your wedding is coming up very soon and Dad may prevent your mother from coming to it, I would just do the status quo this year. Make a birthday call and do whatever you would normally do for Christmas.
You can cut him off after your wedding if you want to do that.
Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
Yes I would play along this year, otherwise he may sabotage your mom from going to your wedding. That would be really sad.
Yes to both of these replies. The only one you will really hurt if you choose to cut off your father, will be your mother. It sounds as though her life is hard enough, don't add to her troubles.
You are getting married soon and you want your mom to be there, so just call him this year to keep everything on track. You can get back at him next year.
Take the moral high ground, be the adult, and call him. It will be a relief for your mom--and you never know, maybe something will happen during/as a result of the phone call that will make you say, in future years, "Thank goodness I made that call."
Call your father and wish him a happy birthday and tell him how sorry you are he won't be able to attend your wedding. It doesn't cost you anything to be nice and you will gain nothing by being vindictive!
When your mother arrives, have a talk with her about what is 'really' going on with your father and tell her how you feel. (you may find-out some things that will give you some insight into his and her behavior ... and your own attitude). Ask her how distancing yourself from your father in the future will affect her and him and ask for her advice.
I guess, if that doesn't work out, you can always get another father ... or can you?
Is your father only controlling with your mother?...is she the only one treated bad or does he do that with everyone? Would need more details on how to solve the "toxic" issues there. I'd bite the bullet and pay the $400 for Mom to attend. Would also make a quick "Happy Birthday" call. May not even be 5 minutes if an answering machine comes on...could be 1 minute. Hopefully you can eventually let go of your anger and try to forgive them at some point and move on as it can hold you back if not addressed. You are far away from them, so will not really be part of their life much after you are married. It can be solely YOUR life from then on out if you choose depending on how issues are resolved or not.
OP, first of all, congrats on your upcoming wedding! Best to you and your new spouse!
What a sad story - and one I can relate to. My mom had bipolar disorder 1 and was always, always very difficult. My dad was a classic enabler. When I became an adult, I realized for the first time in my life that my family dynamics were jacked up. I learned about this novel idea - BOUNDARIES - something I had never even heard of before. When I began to apply healthy boundaries to my relationship with my parents - wow, the fur did fly. Not with my dad, but with my mom, who HATED the very idea of healthy personal boundaries. She really fought them - hard.
At one point, I had to go without seeing my parents for nearly a year (I lived near them). This was because I had been warning my mom about calling me raising hell at 5 am and then hanging up on me (this was before you could block people on a cell phone) and she did it again. My consequences were simply that I would not visit them, with or without my kids, till she apologized and STOPPED DOING THIS. She wouldn't do either. So I unplugged my phone till later and told my dad that I wouldn't be seeing them till Mom respected my boundaries. This went on for MONTHS and my dad was heartbroken over not seeing the kids and me. He would call me all the time, saying "You know she's not going to apologize - just come over." And I'd say "Nope - not going to come see you and Mom till she acknowledges that I have rights and she overstepped them. But you are welcome over here, without Mom." Get this - she wouldn't "allow" him to come visit without her! And he was so enabling that he allowed this insane woman to boss him around! (She also didn't "allow" him to watch football anywhere in their house - not even in an enclosed den after she had gone to bed at the other side of the house - but I digress.)
Anyway, eventually yes, she did apologize. And she acted like it was as a favor to me. As if my kids and I needed my parents in order to be happy so that was the only reason she apologized (though she did stop that crazy calling too). Whatever.
First of all, in your case yes, I would be nice to Dad on his birthday. I mean, it's five minutes of your time. You don't need this additional stress at this time in your life.
That being said, expect for there to be some sort of stupid crisis when your mom comes. Expect your dad to bombard your mother with calls - or worse yet, expect some sort of pseudo emergency and maybe even the involvement of an ambulance or the police or whatever.
Expect sabotage. Then if it doesn't happen, you can breathe a sigh of relief. And if it does happen, you saw it coming.
Do not let this idiot ruin your wedding. This may be difficult. This is the perfect opportunity for your dad to let loose the hounds of hell. I am sorry you are going through this.
Honestly, you may consider telling your mom that you know she loves you, and you love her, but it's OK to stay home. Like leave the choice to her. Tell her the $400 ticket means absolutely nothing to you. And honestly, that may be the best $400 you ever spent.
When I got married, I specifically told my parents that they were NOT invited to my wedding. I mean, my dad could have come but he wouldn't have come without my mom and I didn't want to put him in this position (I told him this). My mom had been saying all along that she wasn't going to come to the wedding (fine by me) and then suddenly a week or so before the wedding she said "Well, I guess we'll come," and I said, "Hold up. You're forgetting something - I haven't invited you. In fact, you're specifically NOT invited. Do not come." And she didn't. And it went beautifully without either of my parents there.
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