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Okay in December 2018 you posted that you would not get married again after your divorce.
So this is not your first marriage? Did he attend the others?
Well no one should be married (or date others) while married. But mostly correct. My divorce was finalized in November 2018.
He did not attend my first marriage in 1998 (separated in 2017 due to my ex's infidelity). He has long treated people poorly, including myself growing up. These days sadly the brunt is focused on my mom because no one else really lives close to them.
Anyway, after considering the comments here, I decided to call and did this morning. It wasn't a great conversation, and done more out of obligation.
My concern with calling was basically enabling how he treats my mom. But after considering the perspectives that it would make her life harder, I thought it was worth it.
Plus I do think it's not good to hold grudges or be vindictive. However, going through the collapse of my first marriage after almost 20 years, I came to realize it's not good to have toxic people in our lives. So from that point of view I don't think I'll ever have quality interactions with him. But I also don't want to set a hard line.
That being said, expect for there to be some sort of stupid crisis when your mom comes. Expect your dad to bombard your mother with calls - or worse yet, expect some sort of pseudo emergency and maybe even the involvement of an ambulance or the police or whatever.
Thanks for your perspective. You nailed it from our shared experience dealing with parents with mental illness. This has happened on other occasions when she has come out to visit. There have been frequent 5 a.m. phone calls about how the basement is about to flood, or some other similar crisis. You have to experience this to get it.
Every family is dysfunctional in some way, as most people whine about their family (parents, children, sisters, brothers, relatives, etc.)
All parents blame their children for something.
All children blame their parents for something.
Most people just see other people's faults, but they don't see their own faults.
For OP, if you want your mom to attend your wedding, be nice to your father for five minutes on his birthday as you say, at least. That's a wise thing to do. Just think about you can be nice to a stranger sometimes, why not to your father for a few minutes?
Children can blame their parents all they want. But I see that the ones who blame more are the ones who fall into their parents' footsteps more. And how they treat their parents, their children will watch and learn and treat them the same when they get older.
You live far away from your dad already, he cannot control you anymore, learn to forgive him, and so he may be less controlling to your mom if you care for her, and you can make peace in your heart. You cannot blame your mom. You need to understand that many people are afraid to be alone.
You are getting married, and if you think you will want children someday, you better to learn to forgive your parents, and you can have a more chance in the future for your children to forgive you if you ever do something wrong to them. You cannot guarantee that you will never do anything wrong to them.
I agree with this. He does not pose a daily problem in your life. He is elderly and has mental health issues. The OP cannot know what he can control and what he cannot.
For the remaining years of his life, why not just "be civil"? Send birthday cards, and see him when you do.
Punishing him is not going to cause him to have an epiphany of any sort. It may give you satisfaction. But, at what cost?
I'd err on the side of forgiveness and and compassion.
I agree with this. He does not pose a daily problem in your life. He is elderly and has mental health issues. The OP cannot know what he can control and what he cannot.
For the remaining years of his life, why not just "be civil"? Send birthday cards, and see him when you do.
Punishing him is not going to cause him to have an epiphany of any sort. It may give you satisfaction. But, at what cost?
I'd err on the side of forgiveness and and compassion.
Re the bolded sentence, I understand it's very hard to forgive someone when that person did mean things to you. It's just that once I read this: https://thoughtcatalog.com/hala-yasm...deserve-peace/ then I think it makes sense.
Re the bolded sentence, I understand it's very hard to forgive someone when that person did mean things to you. It's just that once I read this: https://thoughtcatalog.com/hala-yasm...deserve-peace/ then I think it makes sense.
Yes, I agree. Forgive for yourself. Obviously, protect yourself and your children, if applicable. However, the OP seems to want revenge. Why else ostracize him now?
I also think that the father may be going through the early stages of dementia.
Forgive him if he asks for forgiveness and shows remorse. Anything less and you're selling yourself short and devaluing your own sense of self-worth.
Try to get to the root of what's going on when your mom comes to your wedding, but also consider that she has made her choice as well and it may also be wise and healthy to distance yourself from her as well. Given that your father didn't attend your first wedding as a much younger man, it's clear these aren't issues that are the result of growing old.
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Good job, OP. Courageous.
