Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't call anyone for birthdays. Birthdays are no big deal, to me.
I understand the pressure you're under, I think. But do not fall into enabling your mother to cowtow to his every whim. She can do that, if she wants. But I don't think you should let her suck you into it. It's not healthy.
You have NO control over what he says or thinks or feels, or how he treats your mother. You are just not that influential with others, are you? If you are, I'd like you to call MY father.
Can you send an email instead? (not a text...that's even more impersonal) Next year, send a card ahead of time, then you don't have to call.
For this year, I'd probably call & get it over with, then come up with a plan for next year to avoid the call. But if you really don't want to call, but you usually have called in the past, it's not nice leaving him & her waiting all day. Get it over with early.
Well after calling and "not rocking the boat" this year, my mom called and is having second thoughts about coming. Apparently, she is also trying to empathize that my father feels "left out" of family things. Never mind he couldn't or wouldn't attend my high school graduation, college graduation, first wedding and more.
I told her I would be disappointed, but I have enough going on that she's just going to have to make her own decision. And that I was frustrated that at first she wasn't going to come, then she was, and now she is not. But it's really up to her. Also that she would have to decide on how much of life to miss out of trying to smooth over fears and abuse.
So data point confirmed. No matter what I do, this garbage is going to continue.
To be fair he has major anxiety and mental health issues but it still doesn’t excuse how he treats people.
Anyway, I’m getting married on Dec 31. He of course can’t bring himself to attend, since he lives a thousand miles away. That’s fine. I don’t really want him there.
However he also tried to prevent my mom from attending. His fear is the weather will be bad and he’ll be stuck alone with no one to help shovel the snow (really).
After a bunch of drama, she decided to book a ticket, arriving on Dec 30 and leaving Jan 1. However, he is so controlling that he wouldn’t let her pay for it (he has plenty of money). So I’m shelling out the $400. I wouldn’t mind paying if there was a true need, but they have hundreds of thousands in savings.
This whole episode left me disgusted. Mostly with him, but a little at my mom for decades of not standing up to him. I’m to the point where I don’t want that toxic influence in my life at all.
Anyway tomorrow is his 70th birthday. I don’t feel like calling or acknowledging it at all. I don’t feel like sending any sort of Christmas gift. However my mom says “he feels left out”. Which is a code word for he makes her life harder if we don’t play along and try to make him feel special.
So with that in mind, how do I approach his birthday tomorrow? He very well could forbid her from coming to my wedding, and she’s timid enough to acquiesce.
But he doesn’t deserve the privilege of a 5 minute phone call from my perspective.
I empathize. I am in a similar situation but with the mother. I get along great with my dad. Both hurt me badly in childhood. The difference was that my dad admitted it and apologized. He owned up to his mistakes which allowed me to forgive him. Albeit it took years, but I am finally at that point of having done that. I enjoy spending time with my dad. By contrast, my mom has never admitted her wrongdoing nor has she apologized for it (since the latter requires the former). She just acts like it never happened and wants to continue family gatherings and be "happy" which I honestly am not when she is around. The irony is that I have gotten a lot of "flack" for being dismissive of my mom from relatives or strangers. If they only knew the truth they would wonder why I just don't bolt out the door when she is around.
My view is the compromise is in order - tolerate your dad for the sake of interacting with your mom who you do get along with. I doubt he will admit his errors at this late stage of life - he is probably set in his ways. But at least you have your mom.
I learned to put my family turmoil in perspective. I studied the Vietnam War ang Agent Orange in graduate school. I know there were many Amerasian orphans abandoned in the streets of Saigon - children of American fathers and Vietnamese mothers. They were rejected by the Vietnamese society after the Fall of Saigon and labeled as "Children of the Dust". They had it much worse. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/trave...war-131207347/
Well after calling and "not rocking the boat" this year, my mom called and is having second thoughts about coming. Apparently, she is also trying to empathize that my father feels "left out" of family things. Never mind he couldn't or wouldn't attend my high school graduation, college graduation, first wedding and more.
I told her I would be disappointed, but I have enough going on that she's just going to have to make her own decision. And that I was frustrated that at first she wasn't going to come, then she was, and now she is not. But it's really up to her. Also that she would have to decide on how much of life to miss out of trying to smooth over fears and abuse.
So data point confirmed. No matter what I do, this garbage is going to continue.
Just want to say that I find high school graduation and especially college graduation ceremonies not significant and the ceremonies unimportant. They just are not important in the scheme of things.
Especially university or college graduation ceremonies. I did not even attend my own university graduations (Bachelors and Masters), let alone expect a parent to attend!
So I would not hold not attending your high school graduation and college graduation against your father. Not at all.
And your 'first' wedding - I had just a witness - one witness - with a justice of the peace at City Hall doing the ceremony. No guests. Weddings can and do occur without parents present!
Just want to say that I find high school graduation and especially college graduation ceremonies not significant and the ceremonies unimportant. They just are not important in the scheme of things.
Especially university or college graduation ceremonies. I did not even attend my own university graduations (Bachelors and Masters), let alone expect a parent to attend!
So I would not hold not attending your high school graduation and college graduation against your father. Not at all.
And your 'first' wedding - I had just a witness - one witness - with a justice of the peace at City Hall doing the ceremony. No guests. Weddings can and do occur without parents present!
It doesn't matter what you find important, it matters what the OP finds important.
It is incredibly bizarre for a parent not to attend a high school graduation. It's slightly less - but still - bizarre for a parent not to attend a college graduation, especially if the student attends at a traditional age. If you graduate as an "adult learner," it's a bit different.
OP - I would limit your contact with your mother as well if I were you. I'm not you, of course, but unless you can accept your mother for being just as flawed as your father, you're always going to want more from her that she's not emotionally able to give. That wanting more is a good enough reason to hold her at arm's length for your own sanity.
It is normal for parents to attend coming of age ceremonies, like graduations. I certainly did for my kids. OP has noted that his father did not, and I think the fact that he did not reflects poorly on him.
OP, I think you need to find a way to have equilibrium with your parents. You are never going to have satisfaction, or normal feelings of affection. Ask yourself what is a realistic goal regarding your parents. You know you are never going to have the relationship with either of them that you desire. I think it is OK to mourn for that. But ultimately, you need some sort of balance, so that you are not continually disappointed.
Find a counselor, a special forum, a self help book, or a trusted clergy person to help you figure out how to think about this, and how to deal with your parents’ shortcomings.
I honestly do feel sorry for your mom who is yanked this way and that by your needs and your father’s demands. But I also know that she made her decision about dealing with him years ago, and some things cannot be undone.
Try to find some peace about this. Find whatever help you can. There are some things we cannot change. Some things we have to learn to live with.
Just want to say that I find high school graduation and especially college graduation ceremonies not significant and the ceremonies unimportant. They just are not important in the scheme of things.
Especially university or college graduation ceremonies. I did not even attend my own university graduations (Bachelors and Masters), let alone expect a parent to attend!
So I would not hold not attending your high school graduation and college graduation against your father. Not at all.
And your 'first' wedding - I had just a witness - one witness - with a justice of the peace at City Hall doing the ceremony. No guests. Weddings can and do occur without parents present!
Well... obviously. That’s why the OP brought it up. His father did not come to the first wedding 21 years ago. You don’t think it’s strange when a parent *chooses* not to come to their kid’s wedding? It certainly shows an odd dynamic at play, especially when you consider that the father also chose not to show up at other key events of the OP’s life.
I didn’t even bother attending my own HS graduation... but I would never presume to tell other people that they’re “unimportant” in the scheme of things. It obviously was important to the OP. It just feels odd to sit there and read that it’s “not significant and... unimportant”, especially when there’s always other factors we don’t know about a person and their families.
OP, I agree... Your mother made a choice and this garbage will continue. It’s not a reflection on you. It’s pitiful. I hope your future in-laws will be more ... normal-ish and that they can step in and kinda give you what you’ve wanted.
Well after calling and "not rocking the boat" this year, my mom called and is having second thoughts about coming. Apparently, she is also trying to empathize that my father feels "left out" of family things. Never mind he couldn't or wouldn't attend my high school graduation, college graduation, first wedding and more.
I told her I would be disappointed, but I have enough going on that she's just going to have to make her own decision. And that I was frustrated that at first she wasn't going to come, then she was, and now she is not. But it's really up to her. Also that she would have to decide on how much of life to miss out of trying to smooth over fears and abuse.
So data point confirmed. No matter what I do, this garbage is going to continue.
How is he feeling left out of family things if he is invited to everything (and chooses not to go). He is leaving himself out. This kind of non logic being enabled by mom would drive me crazy so I would have to distance myself from both.
It is normal for parents to attend coming of age ceremonies, like graduations. I certainly did for my kids. OP has noted that his father did not, and I think the fact that he did not reflects poorly on him.
Since you moved your household and literally followed your adult kids to the Pacific Northwest to be near your adult kids and grandchildren, it is not surprising that you would state the above nor surprising you would hold the above opinions. Which is fine that you choose your various options.
Not sure if the OP ended up calling his father on his father's recent birthday, but I think a phone call from the OP to his father on his father's birthday is completely unnecessary. (I think birthdays are very much too trumped up in adulthood)
It's slightly less - but still - bizarre for a parent not to attend a college graduation, especially if the student attends at a traditional age. If you graduate as an "adult learner," it's a bit different.
It is not 'bizarre' at all for a parent to not attend a university or college graduation ceremony.
Many people graduating do not even attend their own university or college graduation ceremony!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
