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To be fair he has major anxiety and mental health issues but it still doesn’t excuse how he treats people.
Anyway, I’m getting married on Dec 31. He of course can’t bring himself to attend, since he lives a thousand miles away. That’s fine. I don’t really want him there.
However he also tried to prevent my mom from attending. His fear is the weather will be bad and he’ll be stuck alone with no one to help shovel the snow (really).
After a bunch of drama, she decided to book a ticket, arriving on Dec 30 and leaving Jan 1. However, he is so controlling that he wouldn’t let her pay for it (he has plenty of money). So I’m shelling out the $400. I wouldn’t mind paying if there was a true need, but they have hundreds of thousands in savings.
This whole episode left me disgusted. Mostly with him, but a little at my mom for decades of not standing up to him. I’m to the point where I don’t want that toxic influence in my life at all.
Anyway tomorrow is his 70th birthday. I don’t feel like calling or acknowledging it at all. I don’t feel like sending any sort of Christmas gift. However my mom says “he feels left out”. Which is a code word for he makes her life harder if we don’t play along and try to make him feel special.
So with that in mind, how do I approach his birthday tomorrow? He very well could forbid her from coming to my wedding, and she’s timid enough to acquiesce.
But he doesn’t deserve the privilege of a 5 minute phone call from my perspective.
Try not calling him this year and see how it goes. Maybe he will snap out of it, but i doubt it.
Good luck. I have a sibling that has anxiety issues but don't think she realizes it. She drives me nuts and unless i have to, spend little time with her.
Her husband is wacky too. Their kid - omg. Anyway good luck
Try not calling him this year and see how it goes. Maybe he will snap out of it, but i doubt it.
(snip)
I am going to disagree. Since your wedding is coming up very soon and Dad may prevent your mother from coming to it, I would just do the status quo this year. Make a birthday call and do whatever you would normally do for Christmas.
You can cut him off after your wedding if you want to do that.
Yes, be nice this about the birthday. It will also help you enjoy your wedding with less drama. Enjoy your time with mom, enjoy a honeymoon. Then take a breathe and see what you want to do.
To be fair he has major anxiety and mental health issues but it still doesn’t excuse how he treats people.
Anyway, I’m getting married on Dec 31. He of course can’t bring himself to attend, since he lives a thousand miles away. That’s fine. I don’t really want him there.
However he also tried to prevent my mom from attending. His fear is the weather will be bad and he’ll be stuck alone with no one to help shovel the snow (really).
Anyway tomorrow is his 70th birthday.
(snip- multiple places)
I wonder if there may be "more to the story" than your Dad just being worried about shoveling snow. When my late husband had early dementia he was still able to manage a job as a night security guard (he couldn't be a trial lawyer any more), could drive, could grocery shop, handle his own medications, etc. and seemed to be "pretty normal".
But the very few times that I went out of town overnight, something always happened. His boss or coworkers would call me and say that he had problems at work (fainted or got disoriented) or they needed to call an ambulance for him for some reason or he called me and had gotten lost driving home from work or similar things. I realized that just my being there was a stabilizing factor for him and it completely disorientated him while I was gone overnight (I was working full time so that didn't bother him). Needless to say I stopped being gone overnight.
Later, it got to the point that almost every time that I went to my book club (once every other month for 3 1/2 hours) he had some type of problem while I was gone (several times leading to a trip to the ER). I then brought him along and he read books in another room while I attended book club and he never had any problems.
Can you suggest to your mom that a good friend or neighbor stop in the see him every day while she is gone to "keep him company" (make sure that he is OK)? And, also make sure that he has some back-up help in case it snows.
To be fair he has major anxiety and mental health issues but it still doesn’t excuse how he treats people.
Anyway, I’m getting married on Dec 31. He of course can’t bring himself to attend, since he lives a thousand miles away. That’s fine. I don’t really want him there.
However he also tried to prevent my mom from attending. His fear is the weather will be bad and he’ll be stuck alone with no one to help shovel the snow (really).
After a bunch of drama, she decided to book a ticket, arriving on Dec 30 and leaving Jan 1. However, he is so controlling that he wouldn’t let her pay for it (he has plenty of money). So I’m shelling out the $400. I wouldn’t mind paying if there was a true need, but they have hundreds of thousands in savings.
This whole episode left me disgusted. Mostly with him, but a little at my mom for decades of not standing up to him. I’m to the point where I don’t want that toxic influence in my life at all.
Anyway tomorrow is his 70th birthday. I don’t feel like calling or acknowledging it at all. I don’t feel like sending any sort of Christmas gift. However my mom says “he feels left out”. Which is a code word for he makes her life harder if we don’t play along and try to make him feel special.
So with that in mind, how do I approach his birthday tomorrow? He very well could forbid her from coming to my wedding, and she’s timid enough to acquiesce.
But he doesn’t deserve the privilege of a 5 minute phone call from my perspective.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this BUT your mom has made her choice many many years ago by putting up with his bull.You're right, him being sick doesn't give him the right to treat people like he does(let me guess..he only treats your mom and close relatives who still deal with him this way...right?)He knows what he's doing and your mom should have left his butt years ago.He has major issues that will never change.Your mom has issues too for allowing herself to put up with being around someone so toxic for years. Your dad is controlling and he's enjoying having that control over your mom which is sickening. Have you ever asked your mom why she has stayed so long in this toxic mess?Is it because she's afraid of being alone?What is it?When you get that straight answer from her...then it's up to you to decide if you can just let her go because it's not going to change.Question about how to approach his birthday?Well since you KNOW that your mom is telling you that it would make her life harder with him if you didn't call....that right there lets me know that she's forever going to be in his clutch but you don't have to.Don't call.Maybe this might give the strength that your mom needs to leave this person for good.How much abuse is she willing to endure for this person??!! If you don't want to call this person for their b-day..you don't have to.Period. Although others are suggesting you play a long and call him on his b-day so that he will not try to keep your mom from attending the wedding.I say this.Don't call him on his b-day because you don't want to.IF then he does keep your mom from attending your wedding..then you will know then how deep your mom is in with this horrible partner and that there is nothing you can do to help her.Don't fall for his manipulating ways like your mom has.IF your father keeps your mom away from your wedding..(because you refused to call him on his b-day)then you should not contact her anymore because she is forever at the mercy of her husband who is controlling and let her live with that.You shouldn't have to be manipulated into doing anything you don't want to all because your mom is afraid of what her husband will do.Sometimes in life you have to let some people who you love go because they're in toxic relationships and is refusing to get help or blind to the situation.It will eventually become YOUR problem and you don't want that.Don't call.You call and you're just playing into his manipulative ways like he wants.
Last edited by codergirl; 12-07-2019 at 12:47 PM..
Every family is dysfunctional in some way, as most people whine about their family (parents, children, sisters, brothers, relatives, etc.)
All parents blame their children for something.
All children blame their parents for something.
Most people just see other people's faults, but they don't see their own faults.
For OP, if you want your mom to attend your wedding, be nice to your father for five minutes on his birthday as you say, at least. That's a wise thing to do. Just think about you can be nice to a stranger sometimes, why not to your father for a few minutes?
Children can blame their parents all they want. But I see that the ones who blame more are the ones who fall into their parents' footsteps more. And how they treat their parents, their children will watch and learn and treat them the same when they get older.
You live far away from your dad already, he cannot control you anymore, learn to forgive him, and so he may be less controlling to your mom if you care for her, and you can make peace in your heart. You cannot blame your mom. You need to understand that many people are afraid to be alone.
You are getting married, and if you think you will want children someday, you better to learn to forgive your parents, and you can have a more chance in the future for your children to forgive you if you ever do something wrong to them. You cannot guarantee that you will never do anything wrong to them.
We lived 3000 miles away from family and no one on my husband's side could afford to come and we had no money to send them either to buy tickets. So I just did not meet them for 3 years. We have been married 47 years so it did not affect our life.
Your mom has to make her own decisions based on what she can handle. If she cannot come, it won't be the end of the world. I agree with germaine that we often do not have the whole story. I learned strange things about our family after my mother's death and even more after Dad died. Secrets are kept.
Be supportive of your mom and do not guilt her about your wedding.
So with that in mind, how do I approach his birthday tomorrow? He very well could forbid her from coming to my wedding, and she’s timid enough to acquiesce.
But he doesn’t deserve the privilege of a 5 minute phone call from my perspective.
If you don't want to call, then don't call. Your mother is an adult and makes her own choices. If she doesn't come to your wedding, that was HER choice. No man can forbid a grown woman from doing what she wants to do. She's not a child. Your mother's acquiescence is her choice.
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