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I lost my husband to illness about 7 years ago and at that time, my daughter was 19 years old. She was away at college when this happened and then after she graduated, she left shortly thereafter to move far away for grad school and never moved back home b/c she has a boyfriend in the new town who she is serious with. She still loves to come home and visit with me, my adult son (who is older but suffers from autism) and the family cat we've had for 16 years. But she really doesn't want anyone else in our "circle" at least not for any more than a handful of hours.
But....I started dating within a year or so after I lost my husband and my daughter never seemed to accept who I was with (and in fact, was quite negative). Even though she said she didn't want me alone, she gave me a hard time. The only guy I dated that she seemed to somewhat accept was someone who lived far away and I only saw on Saturday nights into Sunday afternoon. He did go away with us on a family vacation and they got along but he was a docile kind of guy.
I don't know what to say to her. I suspect she is behaving this way b/c she cannot accept her dad's death (they were very close). So I don't want to come down on her too hard but it seems that whomever I'm with, she'll find fault with and doesn't want to be around...makes it hard when I'm in a committed relationship.
If anyone has some advice, I'd appreciate it.
OP, first, I am sorry you lost your husband. You sound like a sensitive, compassionate, kind and loving person, and I am sure you spent most of your time being an emotional rock for your two children when your husband/their dad passed. I truly hope someone was there to be your emotional rock.
I understand your sensitivity to your daughter re your search for companionship. That said, there comes a time in parenthood when it's time to let your children live their adult lives and let you live your adult life. You raised your daughter to adulthood in such a way that she was able to thrive and become productive and successful. You sacrificed parts of your own life to do that; I'm sure lovingly.
It's time for you so show that same degree of compassion for yourself now in your endeavors to find a loving partner. Right? Love yourself the way you love your daughter. You deserve that.
Adult children have absolutely no business telling a parent who to date, partner with or fall in love with. None at all. You do not need her permission to partner with a man who you decide to invite into your life. Either she accepts your decision, or she will not. Either way, don't let her be the barrier to you experiencing love and companionship again.
Let someone love you, now. Let a wonderful, kind, loving man come into your life and show you the devotion and love that you have selflessly given your children. You deserve that.
It’s been 7 years so time for her to adjust. I would just have a frank talk with her that you will be including your boyfriend and then follow through.
Unless your gentlemen friends are physically abusing you or taking advantage of you financially, she has no business sticking her nose into your affairs. Just as you shouldn’t butt into hers. I’m not saying you are, just using it as an example and something you could bring up to her. “Janie, you’re an adult. I don’t try to control who you are seeing, give me the same courtesy.”
Speaking from personal experience, even as much as a child wants the surviving parent to be happy, it is still emotionally difficult to witness sometimes.
I’m with post #3. You and she need to have a frank talk. For about 50% of the talk, assuming DD wants to communicate, you need to listen. But you get 50% of the time to talk in return.
You need to ask her why she is negative toward you dating, and you need to let her know that finding companionship is important to you. It is possible that she has not ever verbalized why she dislikes the men you see. So getting her to do so might help you both gain insight.
Be prepared to receive criticism. Be careful about becoming immediately defensive. You will likely be hearing stuff told from her viewpoint, which will not align with yours.
But I think talking this through is the best option for resolution.
I was widowed, at 50, as a young empty nester. I dated, too, and had 2 long term boyfriends before I met and married my present husband. What worked best for my kids was NOT trying to integrate boyfriends into the times I spent alone with my adult kids. Since they did not live with me, the times with them are precious and I saw no valid reason to have a BF along when I spent time with them. Even though they are adults, why would they want to share their mom with a stranger during family time? Unless you are going to be living with your boyfriend and are going to be making a lifelong commitment to a man I don’t understand why you would expect your kids to share time with the guy? Can’t you just plan family times without a boyfriend along?
So sorry this has happened to you. It seems kind of young for your daughter to have lost her dad so I’m not surprised she is struggling. You seem to know her very well and how to handle it. Keep treading softly, but firmly. You seem to be patient and I think that will pay off in the end. Good luck.
we all live in our own reality see the world in and thru our own eyes.....
adult children are just that ….big kids... they are learning social norms as they go..
we often use others as scapegoats in life … for our own insecurities.... meaning she may think/believe you are dis-respecting the/her memory of her dad ... combine this with ….she has never known "dating mom"
we all wear different hats in life....you are a mature woman and should have companionship..... do not hesitate to be assertive in this area and express yourself to your daughter....
you've gone thru enough......despair....time to try to have some joys/pleasures in life again... and celebrate it
It’s been 7 years so time for her to adjust. I would just have a frank talk with her that you will be including your boyfriend and then follow through.
Considering dating happened pretty much right away, it is not '7' years in her mind. That feeling of betrayal is strong and likely still present. If there was a real blackout period for like 3 years let's say, then a serious discussion, then it would have been more accepted I bet. But by constantly having a carousel of men she's riding on, sorry, that's actually 6 years of anger that's built up even higher.
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