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Your parents need to have a way to contact you. Not providing this to them is immature and passive aggressive. So provide this.
Use texting. My kids communicate with me this way almost exclusively. You do have control when you text. To signal you are alive and well, you can often just text one word responses.
And with having sent your short response, you can control when you do a fuller response.
Let your parents know that you might wait until you have time to give a fuller response.
This is basic courtesy. I am resisting the impulse to tell you to “grow up.”
There's going to be a point when they stop caring. It's cruel to push them in that direction.
They love you more than life itself.
They'd trust in you more if you behaved more responsibly.
ETA: these are not "anxious relatives" they're your parents, you cold-hearted ingrate.
If they really loved me, they would respect the fact I like the independence and let me live my life without the need for them to treat me like a child. They would understand that I like to be alone and that I don't feel the need for them to check up on me. But nope, they, especially dad, keeps on laying this guilt trip on me, as if I'm a naughty child who needs scolding.
If they really loved me, they would respect the fact I like the independence and let me live my life without the need for them to treat me like a child. They would understand that I like to be alone and that I don't feel the need for them to check up on me. But nope, they, especially dad, keeps on laying this guilt trip on me, as if I'm a naughty child who needs scolding.
YOU are ACTING like a child! Sulking and whining. Why do you expect them to treat you like an adult?
OP, I don't know how good or how independent you are, how much you care for parents; but you sound like one of my sons. He likes to be in "control". He does not like to hear "lectures", but he does not do things without being told.
His dad always told him to drive carefully, to follow the law, the rules because he often got parking tickets and speeding tickets sometimes. His dad told him to dress warm instead of dress nice to go to school. When he had a job, he spent money very extravagantly, we told him to learn to save for rainy days, to not to get drunk when go to parties and get into a fight… etc. He did not want to listen to all that. His dad called him when he was coming home late. He blocked his dad's phone number. And when he had problems he called me, and if I was working, could not come to help him right away, he called his dad. His dad was very upset with him but came to help him anyway. I told him to respect his dad and unblock the phone number. He listened to me. I just feel very sad because it takes so long for him to be mature.
Some parents are better than some others in parenting. But when parents call or text their children about something because they are concerned about them and they care. Many children just don't understand that, or they just can't find good things about their parents, but the negative, and they just want to fight back, and they think that's how they are in control. They don't care about their parents. Only when they get into troubles or have problems, then they call out to their parents for help. That's very mean.
I relocated for work to a city that's about 14 hours round trip away (by car). Part of the reason I decided to relocate is to create distance between my parents and I.They are anxious people. One ongoing issue is that my dad doesn't think I respond fast enough to his text messages / emails.
When I was living in the original city I had a basic prepaid smartphone that I used for about 5 years but now it's outdated and the only people who contact me on it are my parents and other family members very occasionally (like 1-2x a year for birthdays) But definitely not worth it to keep paying $20+ a month for the service if it's hardly used.
The base plan is $15/month + prepaid minutes are like $0.05/min + prepaid data. Nowadays I have a newer basic smartphone and frankly I just use it for texting, some surfing, airbnb and for Google maps navigation. My current number is for the new city and I haven't provided it to my parents yet.
I've let the prepaid phone plan from City A (where I used to live) expire occasionally such that calls and texts are no longer received.
Below is the email I received today from my dad:
You still have not responded to a number of text messages and emails. When I try to call you, I immediately receive a message that “the customer you are trying to reach is unavailable at the moment; please try again later ". Does that mean that you have no money in your phone again and therefore you are not available? It would help our peace of mind if you give a sign of life. We would like to know if everything is ok and if you have received a package.
...
Truth be told, his last email I received was 2 days ago and yes I didn't reply to that one until this evening when I picked up a package they sent me. However I don't know what he's talking about where he claims I haven't responded to several emails.
It's correct I missed texts. City A prepaid phone plan expired Dec 1 so is inactive.
Frankly I feel that now that I'm an adult, he should give me independence if I want and not whine about not getting a reply to a text. Also, do I HAVE TO provide a phone number I can be reached at? He can always email or if a true emergency, call me at work.
How do I communicate my concerns to my anxious parents that I need them to trust everything is OK even if they don't get immediate replies to texts/emails? I told my mom this before, the last time was when she called for an update around Nov 20 asking if I planned to come "home" for Christmas and told her no, I wasn't, I have to work. I don't want to feel obligated to respond to my parents when I don't want to, or feel obligated to renew an old prepaid phone plan just so that they can reach me. I also don't feel like giving them my new number as I consider it temporary and don't want to give it out yet.
Any ideas on how to handle this?
How to handle this is to stay in touch with your parents on a regular basis. They're unlikely to "bother you" if you call them once a week or so. You aren't going to get this time with them back--don't live like this only to regret it later once they're gone.
From what your wrote, it doesn't seem as though they were or still are were abusive to you, so why the need to cut them off from you so abruptly? Also, if you're unwilling to share something so simple as a phone number, why are you willing to share with them your place of employment?
I understand your need for independence, but by moving away from their home and assuming that they're not bankrolling your adult life in any way, shape, or form, you already have the freedom that you desire.
Call your parents. Visit when you can or have them come to see you. Let them enjoy seeing you function as an independent adult. Don't set yourself up for future regrets.
P.S. One of the best parts of being an independent adult child is that, if you're lucky, you one day get to enter the "friendship" stage with your parents. It's truly a fantastic perk, but one that only get if you remain in regular contact with your folks. Pick up the phone or shoot them a text. Please.
Edit: I just realized that the O.P. is in his/her thirties. From the tone of the initial post, I thought that our O.P. was a newly minted adult. That's bit of a game changer in terms of responding to our O.P.--given his/her age, there's a good chance that the parents in question are at least in their fifties, which is when health issues can begin to pop up. They need to be able to reach their child in case of an emergency. Calling work in case of emergency or sending an email that may or may not be read in a prompt fashion doesn't cut it if something happens in the middle of the night or on a holiday, etc.
O.P., they need to be able to reach you. If the number's temporary, just give them the one that you now have and update it when you have a more permanent one to share with them.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 12-11-2019 at 09:40 PM..
If they really loved me, they would respect the fact I like the independence and let me live my life without the need for them to treat me like a child. They would understand that I like to be alone and that I don't feel the need for them to check up on me. But nope, they, especially dad, keeps on laying this guilt trip on me, as if I'm a naughty child who needs scolding.
It’s you who is acting like a child. If you feel guilty it’s because you are not being very respectful or nice. If you are doing the right thing, feeling confident as an adult you would not perceive your father as guilt tripping you. You are being rude and evasive so they are going to worry, that is what normal parents do.
Actually they do partially bankroll my life. I've asked them to stop depositing funds into my bank account but it continues even though I have a full time job I've held down for the past 18 months. But since I haven't told them I got upgraded from temp to perm 4 months ago, mom is still worried about me...when the job end? And seeing as I now have a micromanager on my case for every little thing (see my work & employment thread if you need further info), this perm job isn't as secure as a permanent status may lead you to believe. Yes I'm in my late 30s now and my parents are over 60.
I started thinking. Maybe I can give my temporary City B number. Only problem is that opens me up to receiving texts and calls from them and then more complaints if I don't reply "fast enough". Better to remain mysterious and just receive their emails. I can easily delete those without feeling too guilty about it.
Ever heard of the "gray rock" method to cutting someone out of your life?
All you have to do is call once a week and you there is no problem. Seems like you enjoy drama.
Calling once a week is too much. I might consider texting once a month, but calling and opening myself up to a million personal questions doesn't interest me. Last time mom called me mid November she asked if I have a family doctor and dentist in the new city and when I last went. I told her no, then she guilt tripped me about how much she and dad spent on teeth treatment since I was a teenager. Mom that was over 20 years ago and that money is long gone!
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That's bit of a game changer in terms of responding to our O.P.--given his/her age, there's a good chance that the parents in question are at least in their fifties, which is when health issues can begin to pop up. They need to be able to reach their child in case of an emergency. Calling work in case of emergency or sending an email that may or may not be read in a prompt fashion doesn't cut it if something happens in the middle of the night or on a holiday, etc. 
