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A true adult would recognize that parents worry about their children, no matter how old they are. A true adult would be mature enough to send off a quick text saying "all is well, will reach out when I have some free time".
I don't see the drama on the part of your parents. That is coming from you.
Exactly, and it is very telling that the dad said "did you run out of money AGAIN", meaning they have come to the rescue many times before.
So much for independence. Sounds like please don't bother me but I will take your money.
OP, your parents can't reach you, I gather you see CNN or For or you local news, people(mostly young women) go missing and sadly most of the time end up dead.
You're causing the drama not your parents.
Last edited by seain dublin; 12-12-2019 at 02:29 AM..
If they really loved me, they would respect the fact I like the independence and let me live my life without the need for them to treat me like a child. They would understand that I like to be alone and that I don't feel the need for them to check up on me. But nope, they, especially dad, keeps on laying this guilt trip on me, as if I'm a naughty child who needs scolding.
IDK if this will help you or not. After college I moved from NY to CA(where I still live), that was 30 years ago.
I spoke to my parents once a week, I had my own apartment and a good job.
I live in LA, in 1992 we had the LA riots(you might be too young go to You Tube and see the wonderful footage), I worked in South Central LA at the time where they started.
In 1994 we had the Northridge earthquake, lucky me I lived 3 miles from the epicenter...LOL.
My parents worried, as others have said parents are concerned about their children regardless of age.
My parents are both gone now, and yes there were times they frustrated the hell out of me. I can still hear my mother's voice on the phone after the 1994 quake "enough of the CA nonsense come home", but I didn't I stayed.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is you don't have to cut off your parents to think that means independence
Independence doesn't mean ignore people. It means that you are now handling all of your responses to other people in a mature way instead of your parents doing it for you.
Ok I verified my last contact with my parents. Nov 13: mom called me asking where I live now (I've been moving around a lot but didn't tell her that exactly), and I gave my most frequent airbnb house address. I've been here since Sept and move out on weekends, return during weekdays.
Why are you moving around so much that you don’t have a permanent residence? That sounds really expensive and it would make me worry about why you feel you can’t be in one place. Honestly all the moving around combined with wanting to go dark sounds like you’re involved in something fishy OR you are concerned for your safety. Are you trying to make sure someone abusive doesn’t find you? Are you running from the law?
Quote:
Originally Posted by onthehotseat
Actually they do partially bankroll my life. I've asked them to stop depositing funds into my bank account but it continues
Then why not cancel the account? You can switch banks as easily as you switch residences and phone plans.
And you said you’ve held down this job for a couple of years. You’re well into your 30s... what was your job situation prior to that? Why were they giving their 30 year old money on a regular basis? That’s another reason they might have concerns.
Actually they do partially bankroll my life. I've asked them to stop depositing funds into my bank account but it continues even though I have a full time job I've held down for the past 18 months. But since I haven't told them I got upgraded from temp to perm 4 months ago, mom is still worried about me...when the job end? And seeing as I now have a micromanager on my case for every little thing (see my work & employment thread if you need further info), this perm job isn't as secure as a permanent status may lead you to believe. Yes I'm in my late 30s now and my parents are over 60.
I started thinking. Maybe I can give my temporary City B number. Only problem is that opens me up to receiving texts and calls from them and then more complaints if I don't reply "fast enough". Better to remain mysterious and just receive their emails. I can easily delete those without feeling too guilty about it.
Ever heard of the "gray rock" method to cutting someone out of your life?
The "gray rock" method is not communicating any meaningful information, depriving the other person(s) of anything to discuss, worry about, work up any drama over.
Sounds like you have started the process by not telling them you now have a permanent job, though it might not be totally secure.
Next step, switch bank accounts so they can no longer deposit funds. That will send the clear message that your are independent. Since you are in your late 30's, it's time.
Then decide how much, if any communication, you want with them. Sounds like they would like to hear back within a few days on things such as are you coming home for the holidays, are you still alive, etc.
Perhaps an email account with an automatic message that replies to their emails with a stock answer, "Busy. Doing fine. Unable to respond right now. Will get back to you within XX days."
Then respond to all their inquires with, "Doing fine. Hope things are going well with you."
BTW, teenagers having been "gray rocking" parents for centuries. Not exactly a new concept.
IDK if this will help you or not. After college I moved from NY to CA(where I still live), that was 30 years ago.
I spoke to my parents once a week, I had my own apartment and a good job.
I live in LA, in 1992 we had the LA riots(you might be too young go to You Tube and see the wonderful footage), I worked in South Central LA at the time where they started.
In 1994 we had the Northridge earthquake, lucky me I lived 3 miles from the epicenter...LOL.
My parents worried, as others have said parents are concerned about their children regardless of age.
My parents are both gone now, and yes there were times they frustrated the hell out of me. I can still hear my mother's voice on the phone after the 1994 quake "enough of the CA nonsense come home", but I didn't I stayed.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is you don't have to cut off your parents to think that means independence
Exactly. I am in my 40s. I live in a different state from my parents and still talk to them once a week. I did that when I lived in another country (I live lived in 2 other countries) as well. It doesn’t make me feel like less of an adult. If I am not available one week or they are not available, we tell each other and it is no big deal.
Like the OP, my mom still nags me from time to time. It doesn’t bother me.
That said, I agree with others that the constant moving on what seems to be a twice weekly basis is worrisome. That is not normal behavior when someone has a permanent job. I had one coworker who refused to get a permanent rental. He gave some strange reasons why and ultimately ended up going to prison after he was arrested in an underage sex sting. That was WAY beyond what anyone had imagined, but it tends to raise eyebrows when people refuse to get a permanent home when they have permanent employment.
As for your parents sending the OP money, is it because the OP are spending way more than is needed on an Airbnb? Even the cheapest Airbnbs I have seen are more than $30 a night. Unless the OP is in a place super expensive like NYC, the SF Bay Area, or LA, it should be possible to find something in a roommate situation for cheaper. And the next question is where does the OP go on weekends?
OP- I do understand that your desire to "CONTROL" is the end goal here. I'm so sorry that you have taken the path you have though in your stance. Its basically a rebellion stage. One that allows you to perceive yourself as having say in all your actions and all your decisions. Well darling, have it I say. Be dismissive with your parents, I assure you it will have its ramifications in the grand scope of your life choices.
I believe that if you give a person just enough rope to hang themselves...they will. You are surely tugging that rope for all its worth.
Actually they do partially bankroll my life. I've asked them to stop depositing funds into my bank account but it continues even though I have a full time job I've held down for the past 18 months. But since I haven't told them I got upgraded from temp to perm 4 months ago, mom is still worried about me...when the job end? And seeing as I now have a micromanager on my case for every little thing (see my work & employment thread if you need further info), this perm job isn't as secure as a permanent status may lead you to believe. Yes I'm in my late 30s now and my parents are over 60.
I started thinking. Maybe I can give my temporary City B number. Only problem is that opens me up to receiving texts and calls from them and then more complaints if I don't reply "fast enough". Better to remain mysterious and just receive their emails. I can easily delete those without feeling too guilty about it.
Ever heard of the "gray rock" method to cutting someone out of your life?
I have, that but that's something that people who lack the cajones to simply cut toxic people out of their lives tend to do. To do it to people who aren't toxic is classic teenager-like passive aggressive behavior, which is why I initially thought that you were either in your late teens or early twenties and striking out on your own for the very first time; feeling as though you have to do something to prove to both your parents and yourself that you're an independent adult. Since you're pushing forty, though, it seems immature and unnecessarily cruel to treat your parents in this manner as at your age most people are beyond this sort of behavior.
Why do you feel the need to cut off your parents in order to validate to yourself, if not them, that you're a fully-functioning, independent adult?
Methinks you had problems transitioning into adulthood, which would explains their concerns as well as your need to behave so selfishly towards them.
Do you send back the money that they deposit into your account? If you don't, why not let your actions speak louder than your (non) words and close down that particular account and open a new one?
My concern is that it's a matter of control. I want to be in control of when I respond to an email or text at my convenience. Ever heard of the expression your urgency is not my emergency?
I've explained to my parents in the past that I'm OK don't worry if you don't hear from me in a while, you can assume I'm OK.
I just want to be able to live my life alone and not answer to anyone but my boss. Is that too much to ask?
It’s not a matter of control except maybe on your end, respect goes both ways. Both my kids moved away from home after high school one to the east coast another to another country and I remember how nervous I felt. It’s not going to hurt answering a text right away, I understand sometimes one needs to establish boundaries, but you can still show some respect and common courtesy.
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