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OP - I don't think your parents are being unreasonable. I don't think they're trying to control you nor do I think it's a slight on your independence to check in periodically. Wanting to know you're okay is not being anxious. It's normal to want to be assured your loved one is not lying in a ditch someplace.
I'm 42 years old and married. When I leave my parents house (they live 90 minutes away), they ask that I text them when I get home to be sure I made it safely. My sister, too "Let me know when you get home." And guess what? I ask them to do the same. That's just caring about one another's wellbeing.
You're acting like a spoiled brat. It would be one thing if they were calling every single day and freaking out over every single thing about you, but they're not. Or if they were horrible people who made your life a living hell, but I'm willing to bet that's not the case either. They are being normal parents, who would like to call their son here and there, so they can see how he's doing. You moved to another city and I am sure that was hard for them. They sound like down to earth, caring and loving parents. You also sound really lame trying to defend yourself by saying you email them instead of calling them. I mean really, emailing them? This isn't 1999 anymore. Aside from snail mail, emails are actually considered a slower way of contacting someone, with texting and SMS messages being more instant, like IM. That's a half-assed solution and you know it.
How about you call them, assure them all is well, give them your number, and simply ask them to not blow your phone every day with calls and texts. Tell them you will do your best to respond back to them as quickly as you can, and to not worry so much. But actually make the effort and call back. Sounds like you still need some more growing up to do.
Quick update. I replied to dad's email where he forwarded tracking info and asked me to acknowledge receipt of a package with Thanks, I received it. Nice gesture! I thought that would give him the message that yes I'm alive...and buy me some time to answer his next message about him whining how he can't reach me by phone and how this is not the first time, how worried they are, etc. His message read exactly like a parent worried about their teenage staying out all night, even though I'm an adult in my 30s.
Then today he replied to the delivery email again, with another tracking number...seems they sent a second package and he wants me to advise when I picked it up AND what about my phone? So you see, I give in a little by answering one message but that's not enough for him, now he persistently follows up and needs to know when I picked up the package? Who cares when I pick it up? He has the tracking number, he can see when it's been delivered. The place happens to close when I'm still at work and I'd have to go before work to get it. The point is, I should be able to pick it up at my convenience and not have to answer to anyone about when I do. It's yet another way my dad is trying to control me with money/gifts and I'm fed up. If he gets confirmation of delivery, that should be enough.
Update: package was delivered and dad sent that confirmation, copying my mom on all messages. Next step: he wants me to confirm pick up. I'm not going to rush out the door before work to do that, I'll go at my convenience. Nor do I feel like answering immediately.
Please advise what to answer him to make the messages stop. And no, I don't feel like caving with a phone number yet because then he'll blow up my phone and be even more persistent.
To me you sound like an ill mannered brat - in your 30s, no decent job, hopping from airb&b to airb&b, accepting your parents' money and baiting them to beg you for contact.
I relocated for work to a city that's about 14 hours round trip away (by car). Part of the reason I decided to relocate is to create distance between my parents and I.They are anxious people. One ongoing issue is that my dad doesn't think I respond fast enough to his text messages / emails.
Frankly I feel that now that I'm an adult, he should give me independence if I want and not whine about not getting a reply to a text. Also, do I HAVE TO provide a phone number I can be reached at? He can always email or if a true emergency, call me at work.
How do I communicate my concerns to my anxious parents that I need them to trust everything is OK even if they don't get immediate replies to texts/emails?
Snipped it down to appropriate size still containing all relevant info.
You handle it the same way I did with my parents, in the old days (1990) prior to cell phone common usage. I had one again in 1999 but it was basically useless and tossed a couple years later. Wasn't aware too many young people "didn't" have smartphones these days, but I live in one of the country's tech hubs... spend some time here you believe that Tesla rules the world, too.
Me: "we get along great now that I live 2,250 miles away (14 hours r/t, whatever) from your rules and BS. Don't get me wrong; your house, your rules, and living under that yoke c. 17 years had me trained well enough. But those days are done. With luck, permanently (they were, though some kids must move back in with the parents). So, here are some comms protocols. We can chat on (Thursdays six Pacific) and (Sunday at 10AM PST). I'm putting a life together and that's quite enough at the moment, I'd say."
What you're asking about is "moral courage." I had enough of that and they couldn't just pop into annoy me, either. 14 hr r/t is far enough to keep them at bay in OP's case, too. Guess you've better muscle-up and set some boundaries, huh? My old man and I spoke Sundays at 10am PST to the week he dropped dead, and I wish I remembered our last call because he died just few hours prior to our next scheduled event. I did know his plans that day, though, so it wouldn't have been too eventful.
My mom fretted and wailed about my boundaries, but I enforced them. If you're a weak sister, disregard and do whatever the hell you will anyway I guess.
Enjoy them, within boundaries, while you've got 'em over next few decades or however long the universe provides.
Ok I verified my last contact with my parents. Nov 13: mom called me asking where I live now (I've been moving around a lot but didn't tell her that exactly), and I gave my most frequent airbnb house address. I've been here since Sept and move out on weekends, return during weekdays.
But what if one day I decided to go "dark" on them for a few months? Would that be impossible for them to deal with? I could see them calling my office main line and inquire (they'd don't have my direct line) , which could cause issues at work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by onthehotseat
Actually they do partially bankroll my life. I've asked them to stop depositing funds into my bank account but it continues even though I have a full time job I've held down for the past 18 months. But since I haven't told them I got upgraded from temp to perm 4 months ago, mom is still worried about me...when the job end? And seeing as I now have a micromanager on my case for every little thing (see my work & employment thread if you need further info), this perm job isn't as secure as a permanent status may lead you to believe. Yes I'm in my late 30s now and my parents are over 60.
I started thinking. Maybe I can give my temporary City B number. Only problem is that opens me up to receiving texts and calls from them and then more complaints if I don't reply "fast enough". Better to remain mysterious and just receive their emails. I can easily delete those without feeling too guilty about it.
Ever heard of the "gray rock" method to cutting someone out of your life?
I think the better question is what the hell is wrong with you? Like seriously, what's your problem? You're over 30 and you hop from Airbnb to Airbnb, had nothing but temp jobs, and now a permanent one that you don't seem to enjoy being at. On top of that, they deposit money into your bank account?! And you moved to a whole different city?! No wonder they are worried about you! You speak of wanting freedom and independence, but do you really know what being independent means? It means grown adults don't get random bank deposits into their accounts from Mommy and Daddy, because "reasons." So you have no problem accepting their money and help, but God forbid Dad calls to say hi, or Mom wants to know if you will be coming to see them for Christmas? Y
ou need serious help. I agree with the other poster who said you probably grew up without having good social skills and struggled to make friends. Perhaps you struggle to accept your parents love and care. If they are over 60, you shouldn't being "going dark" on them. What happens when one of them has a health scare and they need you? Are you going to really except them to email you? Better yet, will you actually read it and reply back or are you going to delete them, since you "won't feel too guilty about it?"
Said it before and I will say it again, and I don't care if a mod feels it's a personal attack, because it's the truth. You are a spoiled, ignorant brat, and you need to grow up. Because when you're parents are no longer on this Earth, you will regret acting this way.
The "gray rock" method is not communicating any meaningful information, depriving the other person(s) of anything to discuss, worry about, work up any drama over.
Sounds like you have started the process by not telling them you now have a permanent job, though it might not be totally secure.
Next step, switch bank accounts so they can no longer deposit funds. That will send the clear message that your are independent. Since you are in your late 30's, it's time.
Then decide how much, if any communication, you want with them. Sounds like they would like to hear back within a few days on things such as are you coming home for the holidays, are you still alive, etc.
Perhaps an email account with an automatic message that replies to their emails with a stock answer, "Busy. Doing fine. Unable to respond right now. Will get back to you within XX days."
Then respond to all their inquires with, "Doing fine. Hope things are going well with you."
BTW, teenagers having been "gray rocking" parents for centuries. Not exactly a new concept.
Thanks for showing you understand my point of view. About the bank account. I feel closing my account is a bit drastic. Why punish my credit rating just because the sender can't discipline themselves enough not to respect my wishes (to stop sending money?). I've had that account for over 25 years. Is there a way to tell my bank not to accept deposits from certain accounts? Only challenge is my parents won't tell me their account number.
The automatic message is a good idea! I just set it up with: Dear (mom and dad), thanks for your message. I'm alive and well, hope you are too.
All the best,
me
I don't want to commit to getting them back by a certain # of days as this will set up an expectation and obligation, but am open on ideas on what else to write.
Last edited by onthehotseat; 12-12-2019 at 09:53 AM..
Quick update. I replied to dad's email where he forwarded tracking info and asked me to acknowledge receipt of a package with Thanks, I received it. Nice gesture! I thought that would give him the message that yes I'm alive...and buy me some time to answer his next message about him whining how he can't reach me by phone and how this is not the first time, how worried they are, etc. His message read exactly like a parent worried about their teenage staying out all night, even though I'm an adult in my 30s.
Then today he replied to the delivery email again, with another tracking number...seems they sent a second package and he wants me to advise when I picked it up AND what about my phone? So you see, I give in a little by answering one message but that's not enough for him, now he persistently follows up and needs to know when I picked up the package? Who cares when I pick it up? He has the tracking number, he can see when it's been delivered. The place happens to close when I'm still at work and I'd have to go before work to get it. The point is, I should be able to pick it up at my convenience and not have to answer to anyone about when I do. It's yet another way my dad is trying to control me with money/gifts and I'm fed up. If he gets confirmation of delivery, that should be enough.
Update: package was delivered and dad sent that confirmation, copying my mom on all messages. Next step: he wants me to confirm pick up. I'm not going to rush out the door before work to do that, I'll go at my convenience. Nor do I feel like answering immediately.
Please advise what to answer him to make the messages stop. And no, I don't feel like caving with a phone number yet because then he'll blow up my phone and be even more persistent.
Here is a sample text: Thanks. Talk to you later.
If you continue in this vein, they’ll adjust. In a few weeks, visit them so they can see you are perfectly fine. But do not visit often. Your visit over the holiday should help them see that you are OK. That might be the time to advise them that they don’t have to continue making deposits in your account.
Thanks for showing you understand my point of view. About the bank account. I feel closing my account is a bit drastic. Why punish my credit rating just because the sender can't discipline themselves enough not to respect my wishes (to stop sending money?). I've had that account for over 25 years. Is there a way to tell me bank not to accept deposits from certain accounts? Only challenge is my parents won't tell me their account number.
The automatic message is a good idea! I just set it up with: Dear (mom and dad), thanks for your message. I'm alive and well, hope you are too.
All the best,
me
I don't want to commit to getting them back by a certain # of days as this will set up an expectation and obligation, but am open on ideas on what else to write.
You can put a stop to their deposits (call the bank and talk to them about it).
You have enabled them to treat you with overt concern because of how you behave. Be an adult.
ou need serious help. I agree with the other poster who said you probably grew up without having good social skills and struggled to make friends. Perhaps you struggle to accept your parents love and care. If they are over 60, you shouldn't being "going dark" on them. What happens when one of them has a health scare and they need you? Are you going to really except them to email you? Better yet, will you actually read it and reply back or are you going to delete them, since you "won't feel too guilty about it?"
Said it before and I will say it again, and I don't care if a mod feels it's a personal attack, because it's the truth. You are a spoiled, ignorant brat, and you need to grow up. Because when you're parents are no longer on this Earth, you will regret acting this way.
Since I'm no longer living in the same city as them, there's little I can do to help in case of an emergency. I hope they call my sibling who is there and can render aid or dial 911. I simply can't be there for them as readily as others so they need to understand that I live a certain distance away.
Also by caving in and answering my dad's persistent emails quickly, I'd be sending the message that he controls me. Not interested.
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