How would you deal with anxious relatives when all you want is freedom / indepedence? (brother, roommate)

[Sunshinetwelve29]

You need to stop accepting money from your parents. 25 years or 25 days with the same account, whatever...close it! Go to your bank and get a new account number. If you are set up on auto-pay through your bank, they can help roll them over to the new account. It might be a pain in the behind until everything is transitioned but you can put a stop to their deposits, if you really and truly want the deposits to stop!

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness

You sound very rude, angry, and immature. I am not sure what a good solution would be since you seem to want nothing to do with them.

takes their money but resents them takes their money but wants nothing to with them

There are solutions but that requires being an independent adult

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by Nov3

OP- I do understand that your desire to "CONTROL" is the end goal here. I'm so sorry that you have taken the path you have though in your stance. Its basically a rebellion stage. One that allows you to perceive yourself as having say in all your actions and all your decisions. Well darling, have it I say. Be dismissive with your parents, I assure you it will have its ramifications in the grand scope of your life choices.

I believe that if you give a person just enough rope to hang themselves...they will. You are surely tugging that rope for all its worth.

I suspect the OP's failure to launch and complete lack of empathy has more to do with being on the autism spectrum than anything else. Of course his parents are worried about him. He has trouble making his way in the neurotypical world. I really feel for them.

[matisse12]

Originally Posted by silibran

In a few weeks, visit them so they can see you are perfectly fine. But do not visit often. Your visit over the holiday should help them see that you are OK. That might be the time to advise them that they don’t have to continue making deposits in your account.

The OP said in the first sentence of his original post that he lives 7 hours away from his parents:

Originally Posted by onthehotseat

Background:

I relocated for work to a city that's about 14 hours round trip away (by car).

And also explained that he is not going 'home' to where his parents live at Christmas. (a post which you probably saw)

[tottsieanna]

Originally Posted by onthehotseat

One more thing. You know what I find annoying? That dad is sending me these persistent emails first that they sent not one but two packages, but the follow up messages asking me to acknowledge when I received them. The tracking number showed delivery confirmation, so why not leave it at that?

It would be a lot nicer if they had sent a package without these emails and that I would've discovered it as a surprise on my own time, like oh look! there's a package in the mail box, I wonder who sent it? Oh! It's from mom and dad, how nice! Instead of these non stop anxious emails: Did you get it yet? Are you alive? Why can't I call you? Hello? Did you get my second email? Hello you're not answering!!!! Why not??

See, just seeing all that puts pressure on me to respond and frankly I don't want to think of this. I have more important stuff to deal with now..as in keeping my job and finding a roof for the weekend.

You know it’s rude to not acknowledging receiving a package someone has sent you? You do know that just because a package is confirmed delivered doesn’t mean the recipient has received it especially ups, fed ex and usps just places it at your front porch rather then ring the doorbell and one signs the receipt?

It is rude, the problem isn’t your parents, the problem is your attitude.

[Diana Holbrook]

I have to agree, basic courtesy contacts with your family are NOT a loss of freedom.

Of course your family should have your phone number. No. email is NOT good enough.

[luzianne]

My adult kids still call the home they grew up in "home." They have their own homes, but they come "home" for Christmas.

I think you are young and immature. An adult doesn't assert their independence by not responding to phone calls, texts and emails.

[Threestep2]

Originally Posted by onthehotseat

Since I'm no longer living in the same city as them, there's little I can do to help in case of an emergency. I hope they call my sibling who is there and can render aid or dial 911. I simply can't be there for them as readily as others so they need to understand that I live a certain distance away.


Also by caving in and answering my dad's persistent emails quickly, I'd be sending the message that he controls me. Not interested.

Is there a bit of rivalry?

[jencam]

Originally Posted by onthehotseat

Ok I verified my last contact with my parents. Nov 13: mom called me asking where I live now (I've been moving around a lot but didn't tell her that exactly), and I gave my most frequent airbnb house address. I've been here since Sept and move out on weekends, return during weekdays.
Nov 14: I emailed her and dad the address, some photos then replied to my dad about some comments Nov 16. On Nov 22: I texted mom some random comment about the nature I see in the area. No contact since. Phone plan expired Dec 1. Dad emailed me Dec 9 about a package they sent, did I receive it to my P.O. Box? I was off work and wanted to rest, so I did. Today he sent the anxious email I quoted in my OP (in italics). So yeah, I guess if he texted me Dec 1-Dec 11 without a reply and called getting a customer not available message, I guess I can see how he, being the anxious person he is, was worried.


But what if one day I decided to go "dark" on them for a few months? Would that be impossible for them to deal with? I could see them calling my office main line and inquire (they'd don't have my direct line) , which could cause issues at work.

I don't understand you. My parents are not the anxious type but yes they want to hear from their children. I told my Mom once about a meme I saw. Child (adult child) doesn't answer. 90% chance they are dead and then it went on to busy/asleep/whatever and I asked her if it was true and she said kinda. Why be so mean to them? They are not trying to control your life or anything.

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by onthehotseat

Quick update. I replied to dad's email where he forwarded tracking info and asked me to acknowledge receipt of a package with Thanks, I received it. Nice gesture! I thought that would give him the message that yes I'm alive...and buy me some time to answer his next message about him whining how he can't reach me by phone and how this is not the first time, how worried they are, etc. His message read exactly like a parent worried about their teenage staying out all night, even though I'm an adult in my 30s.

Then today he replied to the delivery email again, with another tracking number...seems they sent a second package and he wants me to advise when I picked it up AND what about my phone? So you see, I give in a little by answering one message but that's not enough for him, now he persistently follows up and needs to know when I picked up the package? Who cares when I pick it up? He has the tracking number, he can see when it's been delivered. The place happens to close when I'm still at work and I'd have to go before work to get it. The point is, I should be able to pick it up at my convenience and not have to answer to anyone about when I do. It's yet another way my dad is trying to control me with money/gifts and I'm fed up. If he gets confirmation of delivery, that should be enough.

Update: package was delivered and dad sent that confirmation, copying my mom on all messages. Next step: he wants me to confirm pick up. I'm not going to rush out the door before work to do that, I'll go at my convenience. Nor do I feel like answering immediately.



Please advise what to answer him to make the messages stop. And no, I don't feel like caving with a phone number yet because then he'll blow up my phone and be even more persistent.

Maybe that has to do with the fact that your parents are still bankrolling you at a age when that isn't the norm?

I honestly thought you were straight out of college, come to find out you're approaching middle age.

It sure looks like your parents have never stopped supporting you financially, yet you expect them to treat you like someone who has been financially independent from them for the last 15 years or so.