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I relocated for work to a city that's about 14 hours round trip away (by car). Part of the reason I decided to relocate is to create distance between my parents and I.They are anxious people. One ongoing issue is that my dad doesn't think I respond fast enough to his text messages / emails.
When I was living in the original city I had a basic prepaid smartphone that I used for about 5 years but now it's outdated and the only people who contact me on it are my parents and other family members very occasionally (like 1-2x a year for birthdays) But definitely not worth it to keep paying $20+ a month for the service if it's hardly used.
The base plan is $15/month + prepaid minutes are like $0.05/min + prepaid data. Nowadays I have a newer basic smartphone and frankly I just use it for texting, some surfing, airbnb and for Google maps navigation. My current number is for the new city and I haven't provided it to my parents yet.
I've let the prepaid phone plan from City A (where I used to live) expire occasionally such that calls and texts are no longer received.
Below is the email I received today from my dad:
You still have not responded to a number of text messages and emails. When I try to call you, I immediately receive a message that “the customer you are trying to reach is unavailable at the moment; please try again later ". Does that mean that you have no money in your phone again and therefore you are not available? It would help our peace of mind if you give a sign of life. We would like to know if everything is ok and if you have received a package.
...
Truth be told, his last email I received was 2 days ago and yes I didn't reply to that one until this evening when I picked up a package they sent me. However I don't know what he's talking about where he claims I haven't responded to several emails.
It's correct I missed texts. City A prepaid phone plan expired Dec 1 so is inactive.
Frankly I feel that now that I'm an adult, he should give me independence if I want and not whine about not getting a reply to a text. Also, do I HAVE TO provide a phone number I can be reached at? He can always email or if a true emergency, call me at work.
How do I communicate my concerns to my anxious parents that I need them to trust everything is OK even if they don't get immediate replies to texts/emails? I told my mom this before, the last time was when she called for an update around Nov 20 asking if I planned to come "home" for Christmas and told her no, I wasn't, I have to work. I don't want to feel obligated to respond to my parents when I don't want to, or feel obligated to renew an old prepaid phone plan just so that they can reach me. I also don't feel like giving them my new number as I consider it temporary and don't want to give it out yet.
Any ideas on how to handle this?
Last edited by onthehotseat; 12-11-2019 at 06:29 PM..
It has been 11 days since your phone plan ran out. If your parents were used to calling you and texting you I can see why they were a little concerned when you did not respond.
How fast does your Dad expect you to respond to emails or texts? A minute or two? An hour or two? A day or two? A week or two?
How fast do you respond to your friends emails or texts? A minute or two? An hour or two? A day or two? A week or two?
Maybe you could set up a time when you call your parents, such as every Sunday evening? Would that make them happier?
A true adult would recognize that parents worry about their children, no matter how old they are. A true adult would be mature enough to send off a quick text saying "all is well, will reach out when I have some free time".
I don't see the drama on the part of your parents. That is coming from you.
A true adult doesn’t feel being courteous and responding to an email and text equates to not being independent.
Not responding is rude , be it your parents, a spouse, your children, your close friends. Look if you don’t want to talk all the time fine, just say via text “ hey got your email will get back to you tomorrow.” Why is that such a big drama or big deal.
I relocated for work to a city that's about 14 hours round trip away (by car). Part of the reason I decided to relocate is to create distance between my parents and I.They are anxious people. One ongoing issue is that my dad doesn't think I respond fast enough to his text messages / emails.
When I was living in the original city I had a basic prepaid smartphone that I used for about 5 years but now it's outdated and the only people who contact me on it are my parents and other family members very occasionally (like 1-2x a year for birthdays) But definitely not worth it to keep paying $20+ a month for the service if it's hardly used.
The base plan is $15/month + prepaid minutes are like $0.05/min + prepaid data. Nowadays I have a newer basic smartphone and frankly I just use it for texting, some surfing, airbnb and for Google maps navigation. My current number is for the new city and I haven't provided it to my parents yet.
I've let the prepaid phone plan from City A (where I used to live) expire occasionally such that calls and texts are no longer received.
Below is the email I received today from my dad:
You still have not responded to a number of text messages and emails. When I try to call you, I immediately receive a message that “the customer you are trying to reach is unavailable at the moment; please try again later ". Does that mean that you have no money in your phone again and therefore you are not available? It would help our peace of mind if you give a sign of life. We would like to know if everything is ok and if you have received a package.
...
Truth be told, his last email I received was 2 days ago and yes I didn't reply to that one until this evening when I picked up a package they sent me. However I don't know what he's talking about where he claims I haven't responded to several emails.
It's correct I missed texts. City A prepaid phone plan expired Dec 1 so is inactive.
Frankly I feel that now that I'm an adult, he should give me independence if I want and not whine about not getting a reply to a text. Also, do I HAVE TO provide a phone number I can be reached at? He can always email or if a true emergency, call me at work.
How do I communicate my concerns to my anxious parents that I need them to trust everything is OK even if they don't get immediate replies to texts/emails? I told my mom this before, the last time was when she called for an update around Nov 20 asking if I planned to come "home" for Christmas and told her no, I wasn't, I have to work. I don't want to feel obligated to respond to my parents when I don't want to, or feel obligated to renew an old prepaid phone plan just so that they can reach me. I also don't feel like giving them my new number as I consider it temporary and don't want to give it out yet.
Any ideas on how to handle this?
FWIW, it is polite to respond to someone's inquiries. If it doesn't happen to be convenient at the moment, say so and tell them WHEN you can get back to them. Then do it. If the phone plan or whatever is preventing you from responding, find another way and again, briefly explain. Stating "you don't want to" isn't really a valid excuse. You aren't this dismissive to your friends are you? Just because they are parents doesn't mean they are excluded from common courtesy. Just as you have to learn independence, they have to learn to allow independence. Being uncommunicative and rude won't help that happen. It just makes you look immature. Which is why they worry about you even more. Do you really want a tense resentful relationship with your parents or do you want a mutually-respectful one? The more they feel confident that everything's OK with you the less they'll cling.
My concern is that it's a matter of control. I want to be in control of when I respond to an email or text at my convenience. Ever heard of the expression your urgency is not my emergency?
I've explained to my parents in the past that I'm OK don't worry if you don't hear from me in a while, you can assume I'm OK.
I just want to be able to live my life alone and not answer to anyone but my boss. Is that too much to ask?
My concern is that it's a matter of control. I want to be in control of when I respond to an email or text at my convenience. Ever heard of the expression your urgency is not my emergency?
I've explained to my parents in the past that I'm OK don't worry if you don't hear from me in a while, you can assume I'm OK.
I just want to be able to live my life alone and not answer to anyone but my boss. Is that too much to ask?
You ARE in control...but the manner in which you exert that control matters. Its unrealistic to blot caring parents out of your life until you decide you want them back in. It is unrealistic to answer to no one but a boss. A big part of being an adult is to recognize that the only person you can control is yourself. If you know you'll be busy and can't respond to a call immediately, tell them that, maybe ahead of time and suggest a time that's convenient for catching up. No independent adult is so ridiculously busy they can't manage this.
Did it ever occur to you that they miss you and your departure left a hole in their lives? That they enjoy time communicating with you and might be feeling a bit lonely without you? Don't be cruel, give them time to get used to your new life.
My concern is that it's a matter of control. I want to be in control of when I respond to an email or text at my convenience. Ever heard of the expression your urgency is not my emergency?
I've explained to my parents in the past that I'm OK don't worry if you don't hear from me in a while, you can assume I'm OK.
I just want to be able to live my life alone and not answer to anyone but my boss. Is that too much to ask?
What about when you receive texts or email from your friends? I bet you sometimes text back "I'm busy now. I'll call tomorrow."
IMHO, talking to your parents on a regular basis (whether it is once a week or once a month) does not put them "in control" of you.
Ok I verified my last contact with my parents. Nov 13: mom called me asking where I live now (I've been moving around a lot but didn't tell her that exactly), and I gave my most frequent airbnb house address. I've been here since Sept and move out on weekends, return during weekdays.
Nov 14: I emailed her and dad the address, some photos then replied to my dad about some comments Nov 16. On Nov 22: I texted mom some random comment about the nature I see in the area. No contact since. Phone plan expired Dec 1. Dad emailed me Dec 9 about a package they sent, did I receive it to my P.O. Box? I was off work and wanted to rest, so I did. Today he sent the anxious email I quoted in my OP (in italics). So yeah, I guess if he texted me Dec 1-Dec 11 without a reply and called getting a customer not available message, I guess I can see how he, being the anxious person he is, was worried.
But what if one day I decided to go "dark" on them for a few months? Would that be impossible for them to deal with? I could see them calling my office main line and inquire (they'd don't have my direct line) , which could cause issues at work.
Ok I verified my last contact with my parents. Nov 13: mom called me asking where I live now (I've been moving around a lot but didn't tell her that exactly), and I gave my most frequent airbnb house address. I've been here since Sept and move out on weekends, return during weekdays.
Nov 14: I emailed her and dad the address, some photos then replied to my dad about some comments Nov 16. On Nov 22: I texted mom some random comment about the nature I see in the area. No contact since. Phone plan expired Dec 1. Dad emailed me Dec 9 about a package they sent, did I receive it to my P.O. Box? I was off work and wanted to rest, so I did. Today he sent the anxious email I quoted in my OP (in italics). So yeah, I guess if he texted me Dec 1-Dec 11 without a reply and called getting a customer not available message, I guess I can see how he, being the anxious person he is, was worried.
But what if one day I decided to go "dark" on them for a few months? Would that be impossible for them to deal with? I could see them calling my office main line and inquire (they'd don't have my direct line) , which could cause issues at work.
"Going dark" as you put it would send up all sorts of red flags you say you don't want. It also shows your employer you can't handle your relationships with others well. Not a good look. It is spiteful, suspicious, a form of pouting. Are you a child?
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