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Revisionism? You said “she literally tried to steal from me”. That sounds like evil. I maintain that you enjoy the drama. Someone who “literally tried to steal from you” and is generally uncouth should not be “coming up” in your FB feed. A person like that should have been reflexively and effortlessly blocked. And by the way, nothing “comes up”, it’s there because you want it and enjoy the drama that it provides. If you want less stress from post traumas, make some better choices. Block the uncouth thief. You are seeking stress, not avoiding it.
I'm responding because I am interested in how people "understand" things . . . I don't know if you popped in in the middle of this discussion, or read it from the start - and I don't know if I didn't explain it in a way that could be easily undrerstood, or if you failed to comprehend what I said and are maybe projecting your issues onto me. Don't know any of it - but it does interest me because I am interested in how people "grok" things.
But just to state it over again - I used to work with this woman. We became friends. Then she tried to screw me on a deal. I called her on it and we didn't talk for awhile. I forgave her. I decided to give the relationship another whirl, even though there were (are) things about her that bother me. I decided "beggers can't be choosers" (because I don't have any local friends), and began going on walks, going shopping, and grabbing lunch together.
A couple of things happened that bothered me (cutting in line, yelling in stores, gross eating habits) and I decided I wanted to back off but wasn't sure if I should tell her the real reasons or not. Through this thread, I decided not to tell her because I don't want to hurt her.
I don't think she's "evil" - just not a good or trustworthy friend for me (there were several other incidents I did not mention in this thread that occurred - and all-in-all, I have concluded we don't have important values in common. I will not shun her - just won't respond all that often, if at all. And who knows, maybe I'll go on a walk with her again. That seems harmless. I may have portrayed her as horrible, but she does have some redeeming qualities (very outgoing and friendly and a good walker).
Not sure what you're talking about. I said I didn't forget what she did. I do have c-PTSD and sometimes dissasociate and have a hard time remembering trauma incidents.
You say you have PTSD but ". . . can't even begin to imagine how one would forget . . . " - as I mentioned before, dissociation is a feature of PTSD so if you have PTSD I would think you would be aware of that.
But in any case, just be glad you don't have that feature (although it is protective, so it's there for a reason).
It seems you've already forgotten that you stated you forgot the gory details.
From your first post:
Quote:
So after she tried to screw me on the deal, I cut ties with her. But after a few years, I "forgot" all of the gory details.
Sounds like some cheap psychology to me, but that's just my opinion.
If you condition causes you to do these things, I would really suggest getting some professional help.
It sounds you are in danger of getting emotionally hurt by letting people like her back in your life, which seems like that would just give you more PTSD, and then you would forget, and let them back in, and then they will add more to your PTSD again....
It sounds like you could get (are) stuck in a viscous circle that is very unhealthy.
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I'm responding because I am interested in how people "understand" things . . . I don't know if you popped in in the middle of this discussion, or read it from the start - and I don't know if I didn't explain it in a way that could be easily undrerstood, or if you failed to comprehend what I said and are maybe projecting your issues onto me. Don't know any of it - but it does interest me because I am interested in how people "grok" things.
But just to state it over again - I used to work with this woman. We became friends. Then she tried to screw me on a deal. I called her on it and we didn't talk for awhile. I forgave her. I decided to give the relationship another whirl, even though there were (are) things about her that bother me. I decided "beggers can't be choosers" (because I don't have any local friends), and began going on walks, going shopping, and grabbing lunch together.
A couple of things happened that bothered me (cutting in line, yelling in stores, gross eating habits) and I decided I wanted to back off but wasn't sure if I should tell her the real reasons or not. Through this thread, I decided not to tell her because I don't want to hurt her.
I don't think she's "evil" - just not a good or trustworthy friend for me (there were several other incidents I did not mention in this thread that occurred - and all-in-all, I have concluded we don't have important values in common. I will not shun her - just won't respond all that often, if at all. And who knows, maybe I'll go on a walk with her again. That seems harmless. I may have portrayed her as horrible, but she does have some redeeming qualities (very outgoing and friendly and a good walker).
Your opening post:
A few years ago, there was a business deal she tried to screw me on. I couldn't believe it. I had to go to a higher up and it was resolved in my favor (never should have happened, she literally tried to steal money from me after we had an agreement).
I noticed that whenever she came to my house, it was like a shopping trip. I felt like she might pocket something...
So after she tried to screw me on the deal, I cut ties with her. But after a few years, I "forgot" all of the gory details. She was a FB friend, and had created a good persona. I started hanging out with her again. We went out to lunch and I about gagged. She is also very loud and would scream at clerks in store about getting discounts. We went to a very busy international goods store recently, and got separated and when I found her I said "the line's crazy, are you going to stand in that?" and she noted that she had cut the line and that people were screaming at her, but she just went ahead....
So, I have been avoiding her. She has been sending me messages, and I eventually reply, but not putting any effort or enthusiasm into the responses.
The fact you now say you'd consider going on a walk with her. That you'd consider re-visiting this toxic relationship speaks volumes.
A few years ago, there was a business deal she tried to screw me on. I couldn't believe it. I had to go to a higher up and it was resolved in my favor (never should have happened, she literally tried to steal money from me after we had an agreement).
I noticed that whenever she came to my house, it was like a shopping trip. I felt like she might pocket something...
So after she tried to screw me on the deal, I cut ties with her. But after a few years, I "forgot" all of the gory details. She was a FB friend, and had created a good persona. I started hanging out with her again. We went out to lunch and I about gagged. She is also very loud and would scream at clerks in store about getting discounts. We went to a very busy international goods store recently, and got separated and when I found her I said "the line's crazy, are you going to stand in that?" and she noted that she had cut the line and that people were screaming at her, but she just went ahead....
So, I have been avoiding her. She has been sending me messages, and I eventually reply, but not putting any effort or enthusiasm into the responses.
The fact you now say you'd consider going on a walk with her. That you'd consider re-visiting this toxic relationship speaks volumes.
Best of luck.
Weird how strangers can get literally offended by a stranger on the internets writings! That is just crazy to me.
I am not going to do it now, but you never know what tomorrow will bring. I now know what I will not do with her (trust her, have her over to my home, go to her home, go shopping with her, go out to eat with her, hang out with her - and I have no desire to walk with her right now or in the conceivable future - but that would be something I "could" do with her. I don't hate her.
P.S. She just wrote something on her FB about focusing on the people who love her vs. the people who don't like her - so I think she is aware that I have backed away.
Okay, that bit about perhaps walking with her someday was premature. I am processing.
What I would REALLY like to do, but can't (because I think it would cause harm) is tell her how absolutely horrible she has been to me or in my presence on numerous occasions. I would love to list every stinking thing and then tell her how angry it has made me and how I tried to overlook each thing . . .
I feel very sad that in American society, most people don't get the chance to actually tell people off (although I am watching Curb Your Enthusiasm now and Larry and his friends are always yelling at each other and telling each other off - and they always remain friends - that is so foreign to me). I am of Italian heritage and fantasize that my ancestors might have told a few people what they really thought of them.
I don’t think the attacks on the OP are warranted. She thought she could have a friendship redo, and discovered that she actually could not. Her question was reasonable
The only other advice I can give is that telling someone off rarely gives the resolution you want.
I believe lying is just bad Karma and it's unfair. You aren't required to go out of your way to inform this person you're not going to hang out, but if she approaches and asks what's going on or why you're not socializing, my opinion is being forthright about why is the best approach (spiritually, morally) as long as you're not dealing with someone who will create problems, start stalking or anything like that.
It doesn't have to be in a fit of anger or resentment or involve cruelty. The bottomline is the differences between you make social outings uncomfortable. It's not something to be fixed, people are who they are and their needs are not always in alignment.
The worst thing to do is tell someone off and start with the B.S. of "you do this and you do that and you always..." which is often projection 101. Just be a decent person, take ownership of your own discomfort, don't pile-on or project, and that should be all that's needed.
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