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Okay, that bit about perhaps walking with her someday was premature. I am processing.
What I would REALLY like to do, but can't (because I think it would cause harm) is tell her how absolutely horrible she has been to me or in my presence on numerous occasions. I would love to list every stinking thing and then tell her how angry it has made me and how I tried to overlook each thing . . .
I feel very sad that in American society, most people don't get the chance to actually tell people off (although I am watching Curb Your Enthusiasm now and Larry and his friends are always yelling at each other and telling each other off - and they always remain friends - that is so foreign to me). I am of Italian heritage and fantasize that my ancestors might have told a few people what they really thought of them.
But I thought you forgave her? Someone who has forgiven another person shouldn't (I would think) want to "list every stinking thing and then tell her how angry it has made me and how I tried to overlook each thing...)."
Honestly, it really sounds like you still hold tremendous resentment towards her, rather than forgiveness. And I'm not saying that feeling is without cause, just that you ought to own it.
How about just saying the simple, un-dramatized version of the truth, if asked by your "friend" why you aren't interested in getting together anymore. That would sound something like..."I guess I realized that we really don't have much in common. Our values are too different, and sometimes I'm uncomfortable with your behavior. So I thought it would be better for each of us to go our separate ways. I hope you understand, and I wish you all the best". Then say goodbye, hang up the phone, or walk away.
In resolving relationship conflicts, it's always better to use "I" statements so that you don't come off as accusing. It really is all about your feelings about her and her behavior, not really her behavior, which will continue you with or without your presence. She might be awful, but it's you who decided to hang out with someone so awful. She is who she is and will not change, not even for the sake of a friendship. You either love her (friendship love here) as she is, warts and all, or move on. I know you don't have a lot of friends, and maybe that's something for you to work on, but don't try to rehabilitate this failed friendship. Work on finding new friends who are a better match.
But I thought you forgave her? Someone who has forgiven another person shouldn't (I would think) want to "list every stinking thing and then tell her how angry it has made me and how I tried to overlook each thing...)."
Honestly, it really sounds like you still hold tremendous resentment towards her, rather than forgiveness. And I'm not saying that feeling is without cause, just that you ought to own it.
This poster is all over the board. I don't think she knows how she really feels - thus the ever changing narrative.
Weird how strangers can get literally offended by a stranger on the internets writings! That is just crazy to me.
There you go again. No one is "literally offended." We are trying to point out your erratic thought processes and questionable reading of people actions and motives. You provide a perfect illustration of your perception issues here.
But I thought you forgave her? Someone who has forgiven another person shouldn't (I would think) want to "list every stinking thing and then tell her how angry it has made me and how I tried to overlook each thing...)."
Honestly, it really sounds like you still hold tremendous resentment towards her, rather than forgiveness. And I'm not saying that feeling is without cause, just that you ought to own it.
This poster is all over the board. I don't think she knows how she really feels - thus the ever changing narrative.
But I thought you forgave her? Someone who has forgiven another person shouldn't (I would think) want to "list every stinking thing and then tell her how angry it has made me and how I tried to overlook each thing...)."
Honestly, it really sounds like you still hold tremendous resentment towards her, rather than forgiveness. And I'm not saying that feeling is without cause, just that you ought to own it.
It's a little complicated. I have forgiven her - I don't feel animosity towards her. What I do feel, in my life in general, not just with her, is that I cannot tell people what my reality is - it would be destructive in some way. I don't want to hurt anyone - so there is no space for "real" communication (and especially not with people I no longer have relationship with - there would be no point in telling her anything). It's just part of processing. If you can tell people how they hurt you, you can free up a lot of energy.
This poster is all over the board. I don't think she knows how she really feels - thus the ever changing narrative.
It's called processing. Most people don't do it on community boards, so you may not be familiar with it.
There are always a few vultures in any group who will disdain someone and cast aspersions - but I don't care. I am just processing MY experience in full view of others who have no context (and some who have no empathy, benevolence, or ability to understand - in other words: no goodwill).
How about just saying the simple, un-dramatized version of the truth, if asked by your "friend" why you aren't interested in getting together anymore. That would sound something like..."I guess I realized that we really don't have much in common. Our values are too different, and sometimes I'm uncomfortable with your behavior. So I thought it would be better for each of us to go our separate ways. I hope you understand, and I wish you all the best". Then say goodbye, hang up the phone, or walk away.
In resolving relationship conflicts, it's always better to use "I" statements so that you don't come off as accusing. It really is all about your feelings about her and her behavior, not really her behavior, which will continue you with or without your presence. She might be awful, but it's you who decided to hang out with someone so awful. She is who she is and will not change, not even for the sake of a friendship. You either love her (friendship love here) as she is, warts and all, or move on. I know you don't have a lot of friends, and maybe that's something for you to work on, but don't try to rehabilitate this failed friendship. Work on finding new friends who are a better match.
This is great advice and it is where my process seems to be naturally taking me.
I would love to find new friends, but I believe the process is organic. I have tried to force it via Meetups, etc., and it just isn't happening. First of all, I am a homebody, and not too many people come to the door in search of friendship (and if they did, I probably wouldn't like them!).
I don’t think the attacks on the OP are warranted. She thought she could have a friendship redo, and discovered that she actually could not. Her question was reasonable
The only other advice I can give is that telling someone off rarely gives the resolution you want.
Thank you. You are correct on both counts!
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