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If not, then just don't go anywhere with her any more. Have your excuses ready. Write them down, if you need to.
Don't answer when she calls (you have caller ID, right?).
I'm all for honesty, but really, in this case, I don't see anything good that can come of it. It's not like an issue you want to work out with her. She probably thinks you're a prude or goody two shoes, but wants to hang w/you, anyway, for some reason.
She knows deep down that you two aren't true friends. And that she did try to steal that work project from you (or whatever that was).
You have nothing to feel guilty about. She's not a good person, based on her deception involving you in the past. Go your separate ways, and just avoid seeing her. She'll give up after a while.
I know how you feel, not having many friends. Do what you can about that. Join some groups or something. Be proactive. It takes time to make friends, but it'll happen. There are book clubs, quilting groups, small yoga classes (big exercise classes are impersonal & hard to meet people there), a walking or biking group, etc. Check out meetup.com, if there are meetup groups in your city. You can also make friends at work. Some people don't like to do that, but I always have.
If she asks me should I tell her the reasons (i.e., the storm thing, cutting in line, etc. (not her gross eating habits) - or should I refuse to tell her and just kind of ghost her until she disappears?
What is the morally correct thing to do?
Ask her if she wants you to be honest and if she does, tell her. I've had people do that with me and now they are close friends; some 43 years after the fact.
I don't think she's dangerous - just a crude opportunist. Unfortunately, she knows some secrets about me and my family and could talk - but that is probably the worst she could do to me.
I do "gloss over" red flags sometimes!!!
I am thinking it might be best to just be unavailable.
She is constantly commenting on my FB and sending me private messages.
Not sure how damaging the secrets she knows about you, and your family are? If not too damaging, then as others have suggested, start right away telling her you are "so busy... with the holidays and all" and if she suggests getting together in person, say something like *That sounds great. Sorry I am so busy right now! It's been crazy! I hope you have a great holiday, let's talk in the new year." And then don't contact her first again.
Just be polite, but "busy". And no, I would not tell her about all the things she did that you didn't like. People like her won't take criticism well, and they won't change anyway. Probably will make her mad, and you don't need that kind of drama. Good luck
My experience with me as the uninterested/disliking:
--I've had to tell someone similar before. It sucked, but it was the best option.
--I faked several other friendships out of sheer obligation and uncertainty, but it ended up hurting me in the long run.
My experience with someone else as the uninterested/disliking:
--While being outright told that someone doesn't want to be friends anymore is very painful (which almost never happens to me), being deceived and left to figure it out on my own one day (which has happened to me many times) hurts much worse.
If you just tell them, it'll probably be better for both of you in the long run. If they're overly dramatic, ask them nicely to stop. If they don't oblige, block them. If they continue to harass you (finding ways around the blockade and/or showing up at your house), report them to the police.
If she asks me should I tell her the reasons (i.e., the storm thing, cutting in line, etc. (not her gross eating habits) - or should I refuse to tell her and just kind of ghost her until she disappears?
What is the morally correct thing to do?
Ask her if she wants you to be honest and if she does, tell her. I've had people do that with me and now they are close friends; some 43 years after the fact.
This is an expanded version of my earlier answer. I have been thinking about this post all day, and cribbed my answer from an earlier, unrelated post.
On several occasions I asked a long-time close friend (since 1972) for frank advice. This particular instance, one of many, occurred during October 1976. We had graduated high school and I went on to Cornell, him to Yale. At the time I had very few friends at college, and was rather unhappy. Maybe a bit of adolescent angst, maybe a bit of awkwardness and depression mixed in. After going with him and his suite-mates to a Yale-Cornell football game and an Earth Wind & Fire concert, and we were walking back to his dorm at Yale, I said I wanted to talk to him privately. He was exhausted and somewhat reluctant but I pressed.
We went to a late-night pizza place, and I basically said "I notice how easily you mingle and seem to have lots of friends. As you know from our home town I really don't and it's worse, if anything, at Cornell." I said, "just lay it out, don't worry about my feelings." He started out by saying "JBGUSA, I see lots of problems," and started with the fact that I came across as insecure, using the word "nervous." He went on from there for close to an hour, almost without interruption. Later he said that if I hadn't made that approach the two of us would not have been in touch very much. Obviously we were given that I was at his 30th, 50th, 55th, 59th and 60th birthdays, his stepdaughter's wedding and his daughter's Bat Mitzvah and wedding. Right after his 60th, I received an email from his wife which said in part:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Friend's wife
"The fact that he doesn't sugarcoat his feelings or thoughts, caused me to be very angry with him often. Then I would eventually forget why I was angry. Instead of counting his faults, I started to count his goodness and there are many. He certainly considers you as a dear old friend of his. This is precious for both of you to have true friendship over several decades.
That is why I say that frankness may help both the OP and her "friend."
This is an expanded version of my earlier answer. I have been thinking about this post all day, and cribbed my answer from an earlier, unrelated post.
On several occasions I asked a long-time close friend (since 1972) for frank advice. This particular instance, one of many, occurred during October 1976. We had graduated high school and I went on to Cornell, him to Yale. At the time I had very few friends at college, and was rather unhappy. Maybe a bit of adolescent angst, maybe a bit of awkwardness and depression mixed in. After going with him and his suite-mates to a Yale-Cornell football game and an Earth Wind & Fire concert, and we were walking back to his dorm at Yale, I said I wanted to talk to him privately. He was exhausted and somewhat reluctant but I pressed.
We went to a late-night pizza place, and I basically said "I notice how easily you mingle and seem to have lots of friends. As you know from our home town I really don't and it's worse, if anything, at Cornell." I said, "just lay it out, don't worry about my feelings." He started out by saying "JBGUSA, I see lots of problems," and started with the fact that I came across as insecure, using the word "nervous." He went on from there for close to an hour, almost without interruption. Later he said that if I hadn't made that approach the two of us would not have been in touch very much. Obviously we were given that I was at his 30th, 50th, 55th, 59th and 60th birthdays, his stepdaughter's wedding and his daughter's Bat Mitzvah and wedding. Right after his 60th, I received an email from his wife which said in part:
That is why I say that frankness may help both the OP and her "friend."
Thank you. I remember you writing about a problem with this same friend on another post. He must mean a lot to you.
I would want to avoid any and all confrontations with a person like this, so your question about what is morally or spiritually correct is moot (to me).
My tack would be to provide an excuse for ending contact that doesn't invite any further questioning (though from her, you'll probably get them):
"I'm so sorry. Our family has some things going on and I need to focus all my energy there, so I won't be able to get together. I hope you can understand."
When questions come (what is it, when will you be available) you can just be noncommittal:
"I really don't want to go into it as it's a family matter. It's hard to know how long it will be like this."
Then wash, rinse and repeat as needed.
Last edited by CarolinaMoon1; 12-15-2019 at 06:25 PM..
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