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John, I find it weird if you are making the effort to fly in that they both invited a bunch of random people. I would ask next time before buying tickets.
This is putting too much pressure on the guest. A thoughtful host will provide some basic information that will allow the guest to weigh whether to not to accept an invitation - particularly for a holiday like this loaded with emotion. The guest should be able to make a choice, hopefully without having to justify their decision one way or another or becoming 'the problem relative.' That someone is expecting to celebrate in one setting only find to themselves taken to another is basic. The kinds of cookies to appear probably are not!
This is pretty much the topic of the OP. Once the OP informed her sister - niece that she would have an overnight guest who would be there first thing in the morning, they decided to celebrate separately and meet him the next day. Now the niece may well be a brat and the sister emotionally unstable but even so they still had the 'right' to decide or not whether or not the accept their relative's invitation. What I've been struggling with in this thread is the disconnect between the "my house - my rules' with the concurrent expectation that guests still appear with turmoil should they choose not to.
Right now there are two ongoing threads where one theme is "more the merrier" with the other thread containing posters explaining why some would prefer not to be casually gathered in. Two single friends just happened to be discussing this before the holiday with the consensus they would not appreciate invitations unless it was to become part of a semi-permanent grouping. Why? Because of instead happily making solo plans the next year they would end up wondering if another invitation would be forthcoming but then for obvious reasons couldn't ask.
It goes without saying that the best approach in any one situation depends on the individual(s) involved, being sensitive to their needs, and whether or not you can be a good host.
To be honest, I got tired of reading all the posts BUT! Holidays IMO are meant to show kindness and goodwill toward others. If I was cooking in my home and found out friends, neighbors, whatever were going to be alone or needed somewhere to go I'd invite everyone possible. If more food would be needed, potluck always works, pick up an extra chicken or something (that wouldn't break the budget if that is an issue) - ALWAYS will have room in my home for a friend or neighbor in need. Happy Holidays all.
If he understood etiquette, he would realize that he is a newcomer in this scenario and HE would bow out gracefully, for a little while. He should at least offer. It's not as if he's your husband.
But it looks like the choice has been made anyway.
I think you need to talk to your sister about her daughter dictating how the family operates.
I don't know what etiquette books you've been reading, but a guest in my home is a guest and family member in my home is also a guest. There is no etiquette rule in the world that would say that one guest should leave the room to allow another guest to enjoy the holiday while the first guest sits alone. Nope, never, ever would this be considered good manners.
I don't know what etiquette books you've been reading, but a guest in my home is a guest and family member in my home is also a guest. There is no etiquette rule in the world that would say that one guest should leave the room to allow another guest to enjoy the holiday while the first guest sits alone. Nope, never, ever would this be considered good manners.
There is, and I can share it with you.
The "book I've been reading" was written by Miss Manners herself, Judith Martin, her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, and page 275 addresses this situation specifically:
Long-term houseguests, such as this old flame, should excuse themselves in times of family strife, like this one, so they can work out the conflict and celebrate as they are comfortable.
The OP and I have already sorted this out between us. Hopefully you can reconcile your feelings about it as well.
The "book I've been reading" was written by Miss Manners herself, Judith Martin, her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, and page 275 addresses this situation specifically:
Long-term houseguests, such as this old flame, should excuse themselves in times of family strife, like this one, so they can work out the conflict and celebrate as they are comfortable.
The OP and I have already sorted this out between us. Hopefully you can reconcile your feelings about it as well.
I think it’s one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard of and would never ask a guest to leave the room so the family could celebrate. Absolutely ridiculous.
I think it’s one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard of and would never ask a guest to leave the room so the family could celebrate. Absolutely ridiculous.
Apparently you're also opposed to reading carefully since I've said multiple times that THE OP WOULD NOT ASK HIM to leave.
He's supposed to excuse himself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
...if I were your boyfriend I would meet your relatives then excuse myself to another room to watch football or run errands or something for a while so you can celebrate as a family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
... I said HE would take the initiative to bow out for a little while so they could celebrate their Christmas as they usually do.
Apparently you're also opposed to reading carefully since I've said multiple times that THE OP WOULD NOT ASK HIM to leave.
He's supposed to excuse himself.
She's already worked it out anyway, so yay!
No guest is going to excuse themselves so the family could celebrate. WTH any guest I have is going to be made welcome and encouraged to be a part of the celebration or I wouldn’t have invited them to begin with. The niece is a spoiled brat who is used to getting her own way.
The "book I've been reading" was written by Miss Manners herself, Judith Martin, her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, and page 275 addresses this situation specifically:
Long-term houseguests, such as this old flame, should excuse themselves in times of family strife, like this one, so they can work out the conflict and celebrate as they are comfortable.
The OP and I have already sorted this out between us. Hopefully you can reconcile your feelings about it as well.
That has absolutely nothing to do with the situation the OP found herself in. The quote your using is about long term house guests giving the hosts a break from hosting every now and then. She is not saying that guests should leave during a holiday celebration. There are no etiquette books that would suggest such a thing. Everyone should be able to celebrate together.
That has absolutely nothing to do with the situation the OP found herself in. The quote your using is about long term house guests giving the hosts a break from hosting every now and then. She is not saying that guests should leave during a holiday celebration. There are no etiquette books that would suggest such a thing. Everyone should be able to celebrate together.
Sure, everyone should be able to do that, in an ideal world.
The section I quoted deals with this situation exactly. He's a long-term guest who is staying with someone who is involved in a family conflict. If he knew about the conflict, which we now know he doesn't, then he should remove himself briefly from the situation so the family members can sort it out.
It's not that complicated for people who will stop their knees from jerking and think about it.
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