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I kind of get where your sister and her daughter are coming from. To me, Christmas is a special time to spend intimately with close family , at least for one day or night. When someone outside the family is there, it changes things somewhat.
When we have Christmas eve together, my sons let their girlfriends go to their own parents homes, and they come alone so we can be just a family again, for that one night. Might be selfish, but one day a year isn't going to kill anyone, and it means a lot to the people who just want to enjoy their immediate family for that short period.
I can see that, but I would still suck it up and go if they had a house guest, especially since it's just one person and it is a small family. It's not like it was a chaotic scene of a bunch of strangers. But glad it worked out for OP.
With my family, we always had "strays" - whether that be Jewish friends who would have a boring day otherwise, friends/acquaintances with no family or just people who were like family. I see holidays as a time to be expansive. And as for gift exchanges, those should be kept to the circles that exchange the gifts for a private time if it's going to make people feel awkward. If I recall correctly, the only gifts given in my family were hostess gifts and gifts to children. And my grandmother got and gave gifts with everyone. It was really only the gifts to children that we treated as "mattering" though.
Miss Manners defines "long term" as 3+ days. So yeah, he is.
**sigh**
You read the thread, correct?
Ideally, no, it's NOT supposed to be a time of strife. But in the OP's case it is, since her niece and sister refused to come over if the man friend was there.
No, she isn't.
I can see that you just read what you want to see. I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain it anymore.
My feelings about your post too. And apparently all those who sent me rep points for my post too.
I've been on both sides of this coin...a couple of years ago,I had a relationship with a guy I know casually from a volunteering event we participated in every year.
Anyway,we started dating before I realized he had some type of developmental disability as is extremely socially awkward,I brought him to a Mothers Day brunch with my kids,partners and my son's inlaws,it was very obvious he was not well liked,in fact,a Thanksgiving invite from my son's mother in law pointedly was issued to myself,my daughter and her fiance.We have subsequently decided to be friends and he came to my house for lunch on the 23rd and we exchanged small gifts.
I rented a room in the home of a woman I became acquainted with while I was a short term nursing home resident,she was the social worker,she had 1 daughter with a large family,12 or 13 kids who would visit occasionally,if I was home,I would come downstairs and say hello,not prolong the visit or join in the dinner,seemed ok,everyone was cordial.
Prior to their next visit,I was told in no uncertain terms that I should stay upstairs so she had the opportunity to visit with her family,which was fine with me since I'm pretty much an introvert and they have extremely different religious and societal views than I.
After a bit,she returned to inviting me downstairs which I refused more often than not until I moved out a year or so later.
This woman also has some mental issues and could rapidly swing from one mood to the next...
I guess my point is there are frequently many different issues at play in these types of situations.
My birthday falls within a week of Christmas. I have a very small family and not many friends so for the past 7 years since I've been divorced I've spent my birthday and usually Christmas eve alone.
Earlier this year I reconnected with a man that I hadn't seen in 4 years. We dated for a while but he moved. We stayed in touch through the years. He DROVE last week to come see me. It's been a wonderful visit. Enter into the picture my 21 year old niece and her mother (my sister). They don't want to come over to my house for Christmas day because my visitor will still be with me. They say Christmas is all about family and they're not comfortable with a stranger. I say he's a guest in my house and that I disagree, I think the holidays should be all about sharing and togetherness regardless of family. Besides, I can't tell my guest to leave.
I could really use my C-D family's input here. Am I the jerk?
Me and my now wife had been dating for six weeks before Christmas in 2012.
Her sister-in-law told her not to bring a stranger (me) to their Christmas open house that same year. Fine by me.
Turns out her and her husband (my wife's brother) were miserable PsOS anyway.
Then their feelings got hurt when we didn't invite them to our wedding reception in 2015.
Niece still being young and idealistic is stuck to the idea of this close sisterly unit you guys have.
I don't blame her. Just that a sleepover from a guy (1+ week sleepover) they never met for a big occasion is not really common for people who live in a nuclear family environment. And also, you can't tell your guest to leave? Sounds like OP likes being abused and doesn't understand the concept of boundaries. Or she just loves his company too much so she DOESN'T want him to leave. Yes you can tell someone who is not your legal partner or legal tenant to leave your house.
Also, it can look like OP is being used for fun which in niece's age, knows exactly what many guys are about. They may be uncomfotable Picture it this way, imagine if you were going to your sister's and niece's house and niece just started dating a 58 yr old drunkyard that she presses as being really special. I'm sure you would feel something unnerving about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl
You're not the jerk.Your niece and your sister are.The holidays isn't about just family.Like you said,it's about togetherness and sharing with family AND friends as well.It's your house and your rules.If they don't like it tough Spend it with the guy and have a wonderful time.
Since it's a all for one and one for all mentality, what if the niece brings that 58 yr old drunkyard to OP's house for christmas? Just saying that's how the niece might be seeing this new guy.
If he was introduced earlier, and more systematically (hey, we're all going to a movie together.. or dinner in June), it would seem more legit. For all they know, they're looking at it as a tinder type hook-up and would rather not be around for that. Especially when tradition is involved.
Either way, the right move was taken by OP. Preserve the potential relationship with this 'old acquaintance' and still see family during this Christmas feel. The only thing OP should do is better explain who this person is, their history, introduce more formally, so this guy isn't a 'stranger' anymore.
Now let's say it ended up being another 'casual' thing or it genuinely didn't work out. What if OP's situation repeats itself and has a new guy every year (i.e. 5 new guys for the next 5 Christmases) in the same situation staying over for Christmas for the next few years. Something I think OP should be more mindful about. And yes, OP deserves to be happy, not alone on Christmas and New Years Eve, etc. But a more systematic approach would help for all.
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