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To those going on about extra food wasted, I was the only person attending as not part of two families which included the two sets of parents and six kids.
I don't know if you mentioned this earlier or not, but now I understand a lot better why you didn't want to go. I wouldn't want to, either. You're the only outsider in a large, close gathering of relatives who all knew each other since birth. It's not like a group of friends getting together to watch the Super Bowl.
So I don't blame you for backing out. That dinner would feel awkward as hell! I'd be wondering if the relatives are thinking: "What's that dude doing here?" "That guy at the holiday dinner table" is a popular TV show trope for a reason. When you first described it, it sounded more like a "family and a bunch of friends doing something to fill an otherwise empty day" kind of thing. It didn't sound like a Norman Rockwell-eque family gathering around a large table, where you'd be "the intruder".
I've gotten a number of these invites over the years and have always been able to say "no" right away. Having a day to myself gives me a chance to regroup, do some outdoor activity that makes me feel good, and is generally less stressful.
That said, if I'd managed to say yes and then regretted it, I think I would have gone for a little while, though I certainly would have over stressed about it leading up to it.
For future reference, I think a migraine can be someone you can suffer from one day and be ok the next. I've had a few myself, and if they hit in the morning I will be shot for that day but ok the following. I had to deal with THREE sick people at the event I went to yesterday and am still pretty upset about that. I wish they'd stayed home. And honestly if they told me they were sick I would have stayed home!
And to the poster whose friend cancelled but posted pix of herself going out - rude!!! She definitely made a commitment to you by saying she was bringing food. It's always good to hear the other side.
Yes, it is much different. Why should I feel obligated into going and how would declining initially be any different than today a few hours beforehand? The occasion isn't centered around me and not going won't impact the preparation quantity of what is served. Two people at the event know me and the remaining 10-12 have never met me. Explaining from my perspective should clear it up for anyone with the ability to imagine being in someone else's shoes.
It is not about obligation or not, or whether they will miss you or not, or whether their efforts in preparation will be wasted or not. You accepted an invitation. To decline it hours before requires an explanation. It is okay for people to change their minds, just explain why.
This would be my worst nightmare and I've have no problem coming up with a little white lie to get out of it. No chance in the world I'm going to spare their feelings. I'd definitely let them know I appreciated the offer though.
Since we're discussing elaborate plans to get out of next year's Christmas dinners, how about... food poisoning? You can say something like: "Sorry, I can't make it. I think I have food poisoning. Serves me right for undercooking the sausages."
It teeters on the TMI territory, while not actually going there, and most people will not ask for details. Plus, when you come in to work looking and feeling normal, they'll attribute it to the food poisoning being mild.
People are ascribing a lot of holier than thou thought process to the invitation. I've known people who would otherwise be alone at the holiday and invited them. Some people want to be alone, others would rather have people to enjoy a meal with. Not a big deal either way.
If you don't want to go, just say no thank you. If you say yes, you really should put in an appearance and bring a small offering.
Unless they are really good friends, I don't blame you for changing your mind.
It was probably a sudden decision for you to say yes and you thought about it afterwards.
Maybe the host/hostess were relieved also that they didn't have to explain and introduce you to their family. It WAS nice of them to invite you, so I think I'd send some flowers or chocolates with a note stating your appreciation for inviting you.
Why should you feel obligated? Because you made a commitment to another person, that's why. They have prepared and planned for you to be there. Don't you honor other obligations you make? Don't you expect others to keep their commitments to you?
1. If you're invited somewhere you don't want to go, say "Thanks for asking but I have plans."
2. If you're invited somewhere and accept but change your mind later, say, "I'm sorry but something came up and I won't be able to make it after all. Thanks for asking though and give my best to everyone."
I'm basically an adult orphan (minus any living relatives) and had stated to a co-worker that I would be home alone on Christmas. I was invited to attend their family gathering and accepted, but am not really in the frame of mind of wanting to go and not really into large gatherings with lots of kids either. I've grappled with ways to back out but can't think of anything compelling enough. I want to tell the truth that I'd be happier at this point with a quiet day at home, but don't want to hurt feelings. It's not like they'll "miss me" ....but don't want to seem ungrateful, which I'm not. Ideas?
I'd go since you DID say you'd be alone. Next time, say nothing if you don't want to go.
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