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Christmas: the 3 month long family consumerism holiday that single people dread being invited to.
Been there, done that. I saw it coming this year and fell right into the trap anyway. Jewish friend texted "what are you doing for Christmas?", I replied "working on my house, being glad the 3 month long family holiday of consumerism is almost over" and then, of course, (I'm such an idiot!) I was invited to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I guess I need to brush up on my Jewish theology, is that what Jewish people do on Christmas? I figured, being Jewish, it was safe to tell them I wasn't doing anything without having to fend off any generous invitations because I figured they weren't doing anything either. But I'm experienced, and I politely declined.
Nevertheless, I felt bad for declining. It was very nice of them. Maybe I should have gone. I also would have been uncomfortable at their family dinner if I had gone, especially knowing I was the pity guest of honor. I imagined them feeling bad for me because I didn't go. They invited another single guest who also didn't go.
If everyone feels bad, it must be Christmas! I'm glad it doesn't start again until September.
Christmas: the 3 month long family consumerism holiday that single people dread being invited to.
Been there, done that. I saw it coming this year and fell right into the trap anyway. Jewish friend texted "what are you doing for Christmas?", I replied "working on my house, being glad the 3 month long family holiday of consumerism is almost over" and then, of course, (I'm such an idiot!) I was invited to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I guess I need to brush up on my Jewish theology, is that what Jewish people do on Christmas? I figured, being Jewish, it was safe to tell them I wasn't doing anything without having to fend off any generous invitations because I figured they weren't doing anything either. But I'm experienced, and I politely declined.
Single and unattached people dread having to figure out what their Christmas plans are. It's not just Christmas either. It's Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's Day additionally at a minimum, and possibly other holidays/events during the year. New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day are couples centric events, and Thanksgiving and Christmas are couples/extended family centric. The best holidays involve the fewest people. My favorite winter holidays have been the ones where it was just me and my significant other. More people now are single than at any point in the past 100-150 years. Holiday planning is a little bit easier for single and attached people as compared to single and unattached people.
Jewish people going to Chinese restaurants on Christmas is a well known tradition. Neither the Chinese nor the Jewish people celebrate the religious meaning of Christmas.
Here's the flip side of this scenario. I invited a new friend who recently moved to our area from out of state to our house for Christmas dinner tonight. I asked her well over a month ago if she'd like to join us and she accepted. I saw her two weeks ago in person, we did a little lunch and shopping together and she said she was still coming and asked what she could bring, and then offered to bring a dessert. I texted her later to find out what she likes to drink so that I could have a beverage on hand that she likes.
Fast forward to today. We bought two turkey roasts, an extra because she was coming and double the gree. Beans too. I did not make a dessert because she was bringing it. After we opened up our gifts this morning I immediately started cleaning the house and getting it ready for having a guest over, cleaned the guest bathroom etc.
At 10:30a.m.she texts and says she's so sorry but she can't make it, something came up. She's not sick, she didn't have some major calamity, she either had a better offer which is most likely, or maybe she just wanted to stay home, but if that was the case maybe she shouldn't have posted on Facebook minutes before herself all dolled up with makeup and looking ready to go out.
So I wasted money on extra food, I have no dessert for tonight, wasted time cleaning my house when I could have just hung out in my jammies and left the mess for tomorrow, and she hurt my feelings by waiting until the last minute to bail. She could have said something a few days ago, still would have been disappointed but I would have understood. What she did today was rude and I will not trust her word again. If you say you're going to go somewhere then you go, barring an emergency. Yes it's her holiday and she can do what she likes, but people who flake out like this hurt the people like me who just want to be kind and help others.
OP go to the function. You said you were going to go and to cancel now would be terrible. You can deal with an hour or so. Please don't be like my "friend".
Truth !
I have also had this same scenario happen a few times , not at xmas though.
Now I just guard myself by not putting too much time into cleaning
and always have all the parts of a meal ready myself.
And we are a very exciting couple and family to visit .
Some people are just way casual about invites .
I really have to wonder at all these people to whom casual lying--i.e., pleading sickness--is actually a tactic. Not only is it wrong, but the person would see through the OP's lie in a skinny minute.
OP, here's the thing. You accepted an invitation, therefore your host is planning on your being there. The fact that it's a co-worker makes things even dicier. It's pretty rude to not show up.
It's not all that hard to pluck yourself off the sofa and make pleasant conversation for an hour or two. Who knows? You might have a good time when you get there, as opposed to navel gazing all day.
Yes, it is much different. Why should I feel obligated into going and how would declining initially be any different than today a few hours beforehand? The occasion isn't centered around me and not going won't impact the preparation quantity of what is served. Two people at the event know me and the remaining 10-12 have never met me. Explaining from my perspective should clear it up for anyone with the ability to imagine being in someone else's shoes.
Declining initially means the person doesn't have to plan for you to be there. Maybe it's a sit-down dinner with twelve places at the table. I don't know why this has to be explained to you.
I also don't understand people who think manners are optional, especially towards someone who was kind and thoughtful enough to include you in their holiday celebration.
If you had politely declined the invitation to begin with, that would have been one thing. But to simply blow it off now it is self-centered, no matter how many of these rationalizations you throw out. They were likely looking forward to your company. Guess they won't make that mistake again.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 12-29-2019 at 07:53 AM..
Christmas: the 3 month long family consumerism holiday that single people dread being invited to.
Been there, done that. I saw it coming this year and fell right into the trap anyway. Jewish friend texted "what are you doing for Christmas?", I replied "working on my house, being glad the 3 month long family holiday of consumerism is almost over" and then, of course, (I'm such an idiot!) I was invited to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I guess I need to brush up on my Jewish theology, is that what Jewish people do on Christmas? I figured, being Jewish, it was safe to tell them I wasn't doing anything without having to fend off any generous invitations because I figured they weren't doing anything either. But I'm experienced, and I politely declined.
Nevertheless, I felt bad for declining. It was very nice of them. Maybe I should have gone. I also would have been uncomfortable at their family dinner if I had gone, especially knowing I was the pity guest of honor. I imagined them feeling bad for me because I didn't go. They invited another single guest who also didn't go.
If everyone feels bad, it must be Christmas! I'm glad it doesn't start again until September.
Yes. It is an awful tragedy that you were actually treated with kindness, consideration, and generosity. I don't see how you stood it.
Been there, done that. I saw it coming this year and fell right into the trap anyway. Jewish friend texted "what are you doing for Christmas?", I replied "working on my house, being glad the 3 month long family holiday of consumerism is almost over" and then, of course, (I'm such an idiot!) I was invited to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I guess I need to brush up on my Jewish theology, is that what Jewish people do on Christmas? I figured, being Jewish, it was safe to tell them I wasn't doing anything without having to fend off any generous invitations because I figured they weren't doing anything either. But I'm experienced, and I politely declined.
Nevertheless, I felt bad for declining. It was very nice of them. Maybe I should have gone. I also would have been uncomfortable at their family dinner if I had gone, especially knowing I was the pity guest of honor. I imagined them feeling bad for me because I didn't go. They invited another single guest who also didn't go.
If everyone feels bad, it must be Christmas! I'm glad it doesn't start again until September.
Very accurate post!
I noticed that there's a divide between Thanksgiving/Christmas and New Year/Valentine's Day. Definitely on Christmas, and to a slightly lesser extent, on Thanksgiving, relationship'ed people treat single people with token compassion or pity. They try to "adopt" them somehow, which often has unintended disastrous results, as the OP and his supporters pointed out. Also, many single people still have the option of joining their family of origin, which is a far better option than getting "adopted".
But on New Year and Valentine's Day, relationship'ed people treat single people with outward condescension. It's an age-regression to middle school, when having a romantic partner isn't about feelings or compatibility, but about a status symbol and being able to SAY you have one.
In that situation I would've gone/made an appearance thanking them alot. I'd look at it as a regular meal with new people.
That being said I'm much more honest and blunt about my disdain for the holidays because they are so contrived and too many do thing out of obligation. There are those that willing and joyfully go through the holiday experience on purpose but I'd venture say over half the dinners, parties, gift giving etc is done out of pure obligation.
Don't have to be rude when turning down holiday offer but very upfront about the holidays prior or even when asked, some how slip in your stance during a pre holiday conversation. Or politely and graciously decline those offers.
But if he's depressed, he's not thinking about it the same way you are.
That's a very valid, insightful thought. It's not like he hasn't been here before, he has. He's been to a couple of Halloween parties and enjoyed himself. We were strangers the first year I invited him about 5 years ago. We met through the neighbors and I mentioned the open house for the Halloween party. He was enthusiastic about coming and he did. He was at the party this year too. It's not like he doesn't know us. He felt comfortable enough to just stop by without calling a couple of weeks ago. No problem. I stopped painting and invited him in, even though the house was upside down.
Is he depressed? Not in the clinical sense, but in the situational sense. His brother just retired and moved to Florida. I stiff haven't heard from him, and as far as I know, neither have the neighbors. At this point, I'm worried that he's okay.
I guess the OP isn't interested in giving us an update.
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