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I didn't say it was a terrible tragedy. I said it leads to guilt and bad feelings. Its not a tragedy at all, but it is ironic that kind gestures can have that result. If you don't "get it", be thankful. Dont pile on me because you don't get it...or is that another Christian tradition?
BTW I agree it would be rude to not show up after accepting, but making up a last minute excuse is a way out. They will then feel bad about it, as I've described. I doubt it will put the hosts out very much, unless they bought an extra 18 lb turkey just for him/her.
Jewish people going to Chinese restaurants on Christmas is a well known tradition.
if something dating to the mid 1930s can be considered "tradition". But if Jews dont celebrate Christmas, why do they have a "tradition" of going out to eat on Christmas? Rhetorical question, no answer needed...
I noticed that there's a divide between Thanksgiving/Christmas and New Year/Valentine's Day. Definitely on Christmas, and to a slightly lesser extent, on Thanksgiving, relationship'ed people treat single people with token compassion or pity. They try to "adopt" them somehow, which often has unintended disastrous results, as the OP and his supporters pointed out. Also, many single people still have the option of joining their family of origin, which is a far better option than getting "adopted".
But on New Year and Valentine's Day, relationship'ed people treat single people with outward condescension. It's an age-regression to middle school, when having a romantic partner isn't about feelings or compatibility, but about a status symbol and being able to SAY you have one.
Single and unattached people can join their family of origin, but often times that's not a great option. If a single and unattached person joins their family of origin, they are often dealing with a sibling or cousin's kids, a significant other of sibling/cousin, and many other variants of possibly uncomfortable family situations. It may also involve travel and travel at Thanksgiving/Christmas is a bad option, especially travel involving airports/airlines.
I don't give that much of an advantage on family of origin over a friend/co-worker gathering.
You are correct on the NYE/Valentine condescension from people in relationships towards the unattached.
I didn't say it was a terrible tragedy. I said it leads to guilt and bad feelings. Its not a tragedy at all, but it is ironic that kind gestures can have that result. If you don't "get it", be thankful. Dont pile on me because you don't get it...or is that another Christian tradition?
BTW I agree it would be rude to not show up after accepting, but making up a last minute excuse is a way out. They will then feel bad about it, as I've described. I doubt it will put the hosts out very much, unless they bought an extra 18 lb turkey just for him/her.
Let's go back to how you entered the fray:
Christmas: the 3 month long family consumerism holiday that single people dread being invited to.
In other words, you declare that the holiday is nothing more than an orgy of greed for simpletons. Weird. In my family, we don't put up the tree until the week before, attend Christmas services, and give and receive about five presents with a dollar limit attached. In my extended family, we don't give presents at all.
Guess you don't get that, for most, Christmas isn't a family consumerism holiday. No matter how you softpedal around it, the condescension is present in every syllable. I mean, hey, if you don't want to spend time with people around the Winter solstice, then be my guest. But those people who invited you, who simply want you to join in the happiness of their lives at that moment in time, are not responsible for your feelings. They are not inviting you out of a sense of noblesse oblige or pity or anything else. For the very large part, they just have an opportunity to have a gathering of people they like and thought to include you.
Single and unattached people can join their family of origin, but often times that's not a great option. If a single and unattached person joins their family of origin, they are often dealing with a sibling or cousin's kids, a significant other of sibling/cousin, and many other variants of possibly uncomfortable family situations. It may also involve travel and travel at Thanksgiving/Christmas is a bad option, especially travel involving airports/airlines.
I don't give that much of an advantage on family of origin over a friend/co-worker gathering.
You are correct on the NYE/Valentine condescension from people in relationships towards the unattached.
I suppose I'm somewhat lucky. My family of origin lives close, and they're big on Thanksgiving. I can get there in about an hour, and I visit once or twice a month on average. So my annual Thanksgiving plans are set in stone, to the exclusion of everything else. I still party my butt off on Black Wednesday, and come to Thanksgiving dinner slightly hungover.
I don't catch any heat at the dinner for being single, at least not anymore. My extended family became aware of my MGTOW-esque stance, and begrudgingly accepted it. And I think my parents realized the damage they did by fighting in front of me. So now, they just grin it and bear it, when I talk about my fun Meetup outings (highly edited, of course), while most 30-somethings they know are all changing diapers.
BTW I agree it would be rude to not show up after accepting, but making up a last minute excuse is a way out. They will then feel bad about it, as I've described. I doubt it will put the hosts out very much, unless they bought an extra 18 lb turkey just for him/her.
There's a compromise for it. Call/text and say that you won't be able to stay the whole time, because something came up, but you will still come for an hour or so. Decide if you'd rather come at the beginning or near the end. It'll still feel awkward being "the intruder", but you'll have kept your promise, given the host a sincere chance, and not subjected yourself to awkwardness for too long.
You need a dog. Problem solved. People are gonna look at ya funny if you want to spend Christmas alone with a cat. People will nod knowingly if you want to spend it alone with a dog.
Plus then you have the excuse that you have to take care of the dog.
I have a friend in Boston who always invites me to holidays. But it is a good 1.5 hour or so away. So, having dogs to take care of is always a great excuse.
There's a compromise for it. Call/text and say that you won't be able to stay the whole time, because something came up, but you will still come for an hour or so. Decide if you'd rather come at the beginning or near the end. It'll still feel awkward being "the intruder", but you'll have kept your promise, given the host a sincere chance, and not subjected yourself to awkwardness for too long.
Don't know about the OP but I'd feel even more awkward announcing my early departure in advance, and not showing up on time is not likely to make anyone feel more comfortable. I'd rather just show up, endure it as long as I can and say "welp, I thank you very much I enjoyed myself but have another obligation to attend to now". Or my favorite, look out the window and say "I see the bat signal. I must be going".
I suppose I'm somewhat lucky. My family of origin lives close, and they're big on Thanksgiving. I can get there in about an hour, and I visit once or twice a month on average. So my annual Thanksgiving plans are set in stone, to the exclusion of everything else. I still party my butt off on Black Wednesday, and come to Thanksgiving dinner slightly hungover.
I don't catch any heat at the dinner for being single, at least not anymore. My extended family became aware of my MGTOW-esque stance, and begrudgingly accepted it. And I think my parents realized the damage they did by fighting in front of me. So now, they just grin it and bear it, when I talk about my fun Meetup outings (highly edited, of course), while most 30-somethings they know are all changing diapers.
You having a decent family of origin situation skews your viewpoint to an extent, just as my uncomfortable family of origin situation skews mine.
The norms on Thanksgiving/Christmas visits are changing, albeit slowly. More United States residents are single as a marital status than ever. While this statistic does not measure attachment rates, attachment rates are down. 28% of men ages 18-30 didn't have sex in 2018, and 18% of women in that age group did not have sex either. A lot of Baby Boomer era parents are now seeing their Millennial sons/daughters, nieces/nephews, relatives of neighbors, struggle with a very difficult mating environment. I sense it is becoming more acceptable to be single, and single/never married past 30. However, being single, never married, currently unattached, and 30+ will still garner a person a lot of stink eye looks, even in more progressive geographies.
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