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I think your statement was passive-aggressive. I understand your resentment about this "taker."
Someone should speak to him or write to him and explain that gift giving is reciprocal - and if he wants to participate, he has to participate as both a giver and taker.
Just ask him if he wants to participate in gift giving with the family, or maybe doa white elephant where everyone brings one gift.
Change the gift giving rules to something similar along the lines of what NB has said above. ^
Next Christmas announce to all the regular family members who always show up every year that the gift giving rules just for the family gathering are being changed for the sake of expediency to lighten the expenses of gift giving in consideration of everyone's wallets. Tell everyone that "this year we are each pulling one name out of a hat and the name you get is the person you will bring a gift for to go under the tree at our gathering next Christmas". After the names have been pulled the person in charge (OP, that should be you since you are the person who has the most objection to step-son being so inconsiderate) will then make a list of who pulled who's name and then will remind each person next year who it is they must bring a gift for. That way with the reminder the step-son will have no excuse for not bringing a gift for the person whose name he pulled.
Also explain to the group that if anyone wishes to give other gifts to other family members they should do so privately and not at the gathering in front of everyone else.
Out of curiosity....what does his nice sister think of this? Any mention about it? Since she's closer to his age, may be close to him, grew up with him.
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This falls into the category of "not your business".
When you said you haven't started the conversation, yes, you did. First you asked him very publicly where were his gifts, and then you later brought it up with the grandmother who dismissed your concern. What more do you want to do to force this family to abide by your wishes?
I have a young adult nephew on both sides of my family, and if someone married into the family, they'd also wonder (as you do) why we put up with them being petulant, ungrateful and difficult.
You're not forging any bonds by coming in and telling your husband's family how to treat a family member whom they love although it might not be clear to outsiders why.
Change the gift giving rules to something similar along the lines of what NB has said above. ^
Next Christmas announce to all the regular family members who always show up every year that the gift giving rules just for the family gathering are being changed for the sake of expediency to lighten the expenses of gift giving in consideration of everyone's wallets. Tell everyone that "this year we are each pulling one name out of a hat and the name you get is the person you will bring a gift for to go under the tree at our gathering next Christmas". After the names have been pulled the person in charge (OP, that should be you since you are the person who has the most objection to step-son being so inconsiderate) will then make a list of who pulled who's name and then will remind each person next year who it is they must bring a gift for. That way with the reminder the step-son will have no excuse for not bringing a gift for the person whose name he pulled.
Also explain to the group that if anyone wishes to give other gifts to other family members they should do so privately and not at the gathering in front of everyone else.
.
Good grief, could you make it any more difficult? Why not just STOP the gift giving. These are adults, they dont need to be getting gifts. Make it a family meal, bring food, a cake, heck he can even stop by the store and bring potato chips. And if he doesnt? Oh well, no big deal, he can still eat.
OP if it's any comfort to you, my step son is 27 and also never - NEVER - gives anyone any gifts. But he expects money as a gift every single year. And gift cards to Starbucks or some place like that. Notice the "and." And like your step son, my step son is here in person.
When he has a girlfriend, we get gifts - whoever the girlfriend is clearly picks these out, wraps them, everything. Heck, she probably buys them too.
It's tricky because he is my husband's only child, and of course my husband wants to give him something. I have four adult kids myself. They get CONSIDERABLY less from me than my stepson gets from his dad - and it's always been that way, so we make sure they are never given gifts at the same time. That part's easy, thank goodness, since they are all ADULTS and are all scattered across the globe.
I don't think you're being petty to be irritated. I mean, I have one adult son who never sends a card, never sends a gift, nothing - and I send him a little something or other every year - but in his defense he IS in Guam. If he's not overseas (has been most years), and he's here in person, he does give gifts but I never expect anything in the mail from him. And he does call - several times a week in fact. If I stop to think about it, it bugs me a bit that he doesn't even send a Christmas card, but he DOES call every Christmas - it's not like he forgets about it. And like I said, I send a smallish amount to him anyway. I don't feel used for money and I think that's the difference.
My step son tends to show up when he wants something from his dad. He is a TERRIBLE communicator and it always drives my husband crazy.
We actually discussed this after Christmas this year. I said, "Now you know I don't care anything about getting another candle or bath bombs or whatever - but did you notice that we have five adult kids and two of them didn't exchange gifts with us? I mean, they TOOK gifts but they didn't GIVE gifts." He said, "Yep, I sure did notice that."
See, to me, this is a matter of failure to accept adulthood. It's not a matter of GIFTS per se. It's a matter of being stuck in a self centered, childlike state and communication style. That becomes irritating after about age 25.
What my stepson doesn't realize is just how irritated his father is becoming. Without going into detail, I'll just say that the gifts he gives his son - on any occasion - are about TEN TIMES the amount I give any of my adult kids. I don't say anything about the difference, because I get that this is his only son and his "only shot at fatherhood." But what DOES bother me is that this adult kid is a taker, not a giver. He seems ungrateful to his father, and that is what really irritates me.
This year - as usual - I made him dressing like his grandmother used to make (which is a real chore), and Christmas cookies (I also gave those to an adult child of mine who we were seeing at Christmas). I didn't write the check or buy any gift cards - his dad did that. Next year - I just don't see myself going out of my way to do anything for him. I really, really don't appreciate the way he shows no regard for his dad and I'm getting pretty sick of the way he interacts with me for that matter. I mean, I'll be pleasant (he's never blatantly disrespectful - in fact, he's a bit of an Eddie Haskel) but I'm probably not going to cook anything for him and I AM going to question his father if he decides to give generously to him - again.
Meanwhile, this year I was honest with his father but not hostile about it. This is his son, his relationship, and really his problem moreso than mine. We're not going broke over this. He knows how I feel about enabling, and about this situation, and I do know he's miffed about it too. And he knows I've got his son's ticket, and his frankly. He knows how I feel about it. That's enough for me.
OP, I do not personally think you were out of line to ask him - PRIVATELY - "where are the presents?" but I do not think you should have said anything to his grandmother, or to anyone else other than your husband for that matter. And honestly, the question directed at your stepson about the presents would have been a lot better coming from your husband. I expect my husband to say something to his son before next year. I mean it. I believe he will.
This falls into the category of "not your business".
When you said you haven't started the conversation, yes, you did. First you asked him very publicly where were his gifts, and then you later brought it up with the grandmother who dismissed your concern. What more do you want to do to force this family to abide by your wishes?
I have a young adult nephew on both sides of my family, and if someone married into the family, they'd also wonder (as you do) why we put up with them being petulant, ungrateful and difficult.
You're not forging any bonds by coming in and telling your husband's family how to treat a family member whom they love although it might not be clear to outsiders why.
Really, really dislike the idea that step-parents/spouses have no say in matters such as this. Sure, it's a potential minefield, but you used the appropriate statement in your third paragraph: "married into the family." At that point, the spouse becomes just as much a part of the family and, therefore, has the requisite right to have opinions and to have those opinions heard.
And even if one doesn't believe that, while certainly not true in all cases, the majority of marriages are two-income with co-mingled finances. In that scenario, spouse certainly has the right to speak up about how their money is being spent.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly
Really, really dislike the idea that step-parents/spouses have no say in matters such as this. Sure, it's a potential minefield, but you used the appropriate statement in your third paragraph: "married into the family." At that point, the spouse becomes just as much a part of the family and, therefore, has the requisite right to have opinions and to have those opinions heard.
And even if one doesn't believe that, while certainly not true in all cases, the majority of marriages are two-income with co-mingled finances. In that scenario, spouse certainly has the right to speak up about how their money is being spent.
She may have some right to ask about the gifts her husband gives, if the gifts significantly impact their finances.
But telling a grandmother her gift giving should change is the very definition of hubris.
I actually don't buy gifts for most people. The only people I buy gifts for are my parents, niece, and anyone I am dating at the time. On the other I don't want anything in return. In fact I prefer it that way. I hate receiving gifts, because I am a minimalist, and 50% of the times they aren't the most of practical gifts or things I don't really want or need. Learn how to invest your energy and emotions into things that are worth it. This isn't worth it.
^ This
I used to buy gifts for everybody -- siblings, their wives, their children, other invited guests at the Christmas table. Some people, but by no means all, would reciprocate. I also used to send 100 greeting cards out, receiving 20 back. No more.
I buy gifts nowadays for my elderly parents, my spouse, and for a couple of friends with whom I have exchanged Christmas gifts for decades. And for the rare party where the invitation does not specify "no gifts." (I'd say 90% of invites now say "no gifts.")
I also give only "consumables:" things like a magnum of Champagne, a nice box of fruit and chocolate, a bouquet of flowers, a fancy candle. Nobody wants landfill-type stuff.
... and don't get me started on (vanishing) thank-you notes (I'll save that for a different thread).
Good grief, could you make it any more difficult? Why not just STOP the gift giving. These are adults, they dont need to be getting gifts. Make it a family meal, bring food, a cake, heck he can even stop by the store and bring potato chips. And if he doesnt? Oh well, no big deal, he can still eat.
Right on. If a family can pull this off, I think it's great.
Honestly, though, with most of my kids, what works best is that I always say "Just get me something that smells good." This can truly be ANYTHING - from tea to a candle to body lotion to expensive perfume. I say this because I have found that especially when they become adults, they want to get me something. SOMETHING. But I don't want them to feel like they have to spend much money on me. I always give my adult kids a "bigger" present than they give me - but then they are young and several of them have kids, and I am older and more affluent. I don't want to take away their joy of giving, and most of them (three of the five all total) seem to WANT to get me something so I let them.
As a family, we tried the drawing names thing. It didn't work. People STILL ended up buying other people gifts! We tried "gifts for kids only," but that didn't work either - once again, people would still buy other adults presents! What has worked though for us has been "Don't spend much money - spend it within your own family." Like I said, I cover all the bases just by saying, "If you want to buy me something, buy me something that smells good."
I will say one thing though - I have an adult daughter who is 37. Though she and her husband have four kids, they are financially pretty well off. I have noticed that her present giving has definitely gone up in monetary value! I mean, that's fine, it's great in fact, but I don't EXPECT it. But she's also showing definite signs of moving into a more "I want to help take care of Mom" mode. I mean, I'm only 57 but she and her husband both have already told me "You know that if you're alone one day, you are always welcome to live with us - we will even build you your own wing!" I hope it never comes to that, but I do like that she is fully embracing her age and what she considers her responsibilities. Their youngest child is 11 and their oldest is 17. She even told me the other day "I am getting excited about being a grandmother one day!" We'll see how she feels when she hits 40 - LOL.
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