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She may have some right to ask about the gifts her husband gives, if the gifts significantly impact their finances.
But telling a grandmother her gift giving should change is the very definition of hubris.
I didn't really read it a OP trying to give grandmom an ultimatum on how to give gifts. Seem OP just wanted to know if she was misreading things or overreacting. As such, she had a conversation to let grandmom know how she felt and to judge grandmom's feelings. And it seems that grandmom does agree with OP that step-son is a selfish taker. Now, the shrug at the end says grandmom is probably not going to change anything even after her admission, but that doesn't mean that dad and step-mom can't.
I think we see things differently based on your first line: "the gifts her husband gives." I don't give gifts. My wife doesn't give gifts. "We" give gifts.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly
I didn't really read it a OP trying to give grandmom an ultimatum on how to give gifts. Seem OP just wanted to know if she was misreading things or overreacting. As such, she had a conversation to let grandmom know how she felt and to judge grandmom's feelings. And it seems that grandmom does agree with OP that step-son is a selfish taker. Now, the shrug at the end says grandmom is probably not going to change anything even after her admission, but that doesn't mean that dad and step-mom can't.
I think we see things differently based on your first line: "the gifts her husband gives." I don't give gifts. My wife doesn't give gifts. "We" give gifts.
Since she has made it clear to her husband that she doesn't want to give him gifts, and her husband continues to give his son Christmas gifts, I think that fully fits the definition of "the gifts her husband gives".
Since she has made it clear to her husband that she doesn't want to give him gifts, and her husband continues to give his son Christmas gifts, I think that fully fits the definition of "the gifts her husband gives".
Well, first line of OP says she finally said something this year. So, husband hasn't yet been given the chance to agree or disagree with her wishes.
It's not a matter of gifts or a gift exchange, or even money from what I can tell - it's a matter of behaving like an adult and showing respect and appreciation for others.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly
Well, first line of OP says she finally said something this year. So, husband hasn't yet been given the chance to agree or disagree with her wishes.
It would be easier if the op came back and clarified. But from the tone here, watching this every year, what is the chance she hasn't made it known to her husband that she resents his attitude and doesn't want to give gifts without some reciprocity? I'd say about zero.
But yes, she finally made the point this year in front of everyone, and later to the grandmother, so it's unlikely everyone else besides her husband new how this behavior rankles her, before she brought it up twice this year.
When you said you haven't started the conversation, yes, you did. First you asked him very publicly where were his gifts, and then you later brought it up with the grandmother who dismissed your concern. What more do you want to do to force this family to abide by your wishes?
Wait, what? FORCE?
One, no one else was there when I asked him about the gifts. Two, the grandmother agrees with me, but chooses not to say anything. Three, where did I say I was trying to FORCE anyone to do anything? It's a simple concern and frustration.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
You're not forging any bonds by coming in and telling your husband's family how to treat a family member whom they love although it might not be clear to outsiders why.
Please show me on my post where I came in and told my husband's family members howto treat the kid??
Also, I've been married to his dad for 15 years, dating for 16. The bonds with his parents, his other child, and other family members have always been fantastic. PS: I just found out a few minutes ago that my husband's sister wrote him a letter about this same situation last year, and never heard back from him. She did not fly out for the Christmas gathering this year and did not send him a gift - although she sent gifts to the rest of us.
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Originally Posted by VoxTerra
Wait, what? FORCE?
One, no one else was there when I asked him about the gifts. Two, the grandmother agrees with me, but chooses not to say anything. Three, where did I say I was trying to FORCE anyone to do anything? It's a simple concern and frustration.
Please show me on my post where I came in and told my husband's family members howto treat the kid??
Also, I've been married to his dad for 15 years, dating for 16. The bonds with his parents, his other child, and other family members have always been fantastic. PS: I just found out a few minutes ago that my husband's sister wrote him a letter about this same situation last year, and never heard back from him. She did not fly out for the Christmas gathering this year and did not send him a gift - although she sent gifts to the rest of us.
Read your OP.
You are trying to force your opinion on the others. The grandmother dismissed you, and you're still wondering when there will be a "real conversation" about this.
I'd say that's not resting until you get your way.
It would be easier if the op came back and clarified. But from the tone here, watching this every year, what is the chance she hasn't made it known to her husband that she resents his attitude and doesn't want to give gifts without some reciprocity? I'd say about zero.
Of course I made it known. But each year I was happy to shop for him because every year I thought maybe things would change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
But yes, she finally made the point this year in front of everyone, and later to the grandmother, so it's unlikely everyone else besides her husband new how this behavior rankles her, before she brought it up twice this year.
I'm not sure why you think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.
Christmas became much more enjoyable when we stopped most of the gift exchanging. We still buy something for our sons, but have made it clear we want nothing in return. I always buy something for my mother, but practical items, like this year's diabetic socks. Even that small gesture made her feel badly because she had nothing in return for me. I NEVER want gifts to cause anyone anything but happiness.
Our sons have gifted us generously in the past when we made opening presents around the tree an event. No more. They are relieved, we are pleased they still come to see us. Gifts should be given because the giver wants the recipient to have something that brings them joy or makes their life easier. Anything else is just reacting to advertising pressure.
I didn't really read it a OP trying to give grandmom an ultimatum on how to give gifts. Seem OP just wanted to know if she was misreading things or overreacting. As such, she had a conversation to let grandmom know how she felt and to judge grandmom's feelings. And it seems that grandmom does agree with OP that step-son is a selfish taker. Now, the shrug at the end says grandmom is probably not going to change anything even after her admission, but that doesn't mean that dad and step-mom can't.
Exactly - thank you for understanding my post.
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