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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,635 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50671
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VoxTerra
Of course I made it known. But each year I was happy to shop for him because every year I thought maybe things would change.
I'm not sure why you think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.
You were at the grandmother's house where everyone had gathered, and no one else was there except you?
Of course I made it known. But each year I was happy to shop for him because every year I thought maybe things would change.
I'm not sure why you think I made the point in front of everyone. He was the only one there when I said it. I'm frustrated, but I'm not an a$$hole hellbent on embarrassing the kid. Wow.
Also, let's point something else out. You've been married to his father for 15 years - he's only really been an adult for a few years now. This behavior is irritating because he is an ADULT and is still acting like a child. Seems to me that you are irritated by the enabling and the pussyfooting around the situation, not by not receiving gifts.
I get it and I also believe you have every right to say something in private to the son, and also let your opinion be known to his father, also in private and kindly. I wouldn't bring it up with other family members, and I also would be very diplomatic in my response if someone else brought it up.
But each year I was happy to shop for him because every year I thought maybe things would change.
You thought what would change? That he would finally grow up and take the initiative to buy a gift for his relatives?
This sounds like a failure to launch situation that can be very common but doesn't usually take this long to resolve.
You KNOW how he is.
You've seen that he will gladly let his GF "carry the water" but just won't take it upon himself. So he's unlikely to change, based on this and the other signs of delayed responsibilities.
The problem I see now is that you appear to be deciding whether or not to ever give him any more gifts until and unless he reciprocates. To me, that defeats the purpose of a GIFT, which is supposed to be freely given without strings (i.e. expectations) attached.
You were at the grandmother's house where everyone had gathered, and no one else was there except you?
Okay, sorry I read that wrong.
The grandparents live in a big house, with many rooms - not a studio apartment where everyone is in one small space and can hear every conversation. I said it to him privately in the foyer with no one else around. His girlfriend had already made her way into the den.
You are trying to force your opinion on the others. The grandmother dismissed you, and you're still wondering when there will be a "real conversation" about this.
I'd say that's not resting until you get your way.
But it's not your call.
My goodness, you are really coming after me, post after post! Did I strike a nerve?
Wow. I am not trying to force anything on anyone. It's just a matter of frustration seeing how selfish he is towards his sweet grandparents and dad. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
You thought what would change? That he would finally grow up and take the initiative to buy a gift for his relatives?
Sigh, yes.. I know, probably silly. But I really was hoping!
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
This sounds like a failure to launch situation that can be very common but doesn't usually take this long to resolve.
You KNOW how he is.
You've seen that he will gladly let his GF "carry the water" but just won't take it upon himself. So he's unlikely to change, based on this and the other signs of delayed responsibilities.
The problem I see now is that you appear to be deciding whether or not to ever give him any more gifts until and unless he reciprocates. To me, that defeats the purpose of a GIFT, which is supposed to be freely given without strings (i.e. expectations) attached.
Great points. I just love my inlaws so much it breaks my heart to see how selfish he is. But you're right, if they're not bothered by it (or if they are, but don't care) - then why should I be wound up?
Also, let's point something else out. You've been married to his father for 15 years - he's only really been an adult for a few years now. This behavior is irritating because he is an ADULT and is still acting like a child. Seems to me that you are irritated by the enabling and the pussyfooting around the situation, not by not receiving gifts.
I get it and I also believe you have every right to say something in private to the son, and also let your opinion be known to his father, also in private and kindly. I wouldn't bring it up with other family members, and I also would be very diplomatic in my response if someone else brought it up.
Thank you and yes, true about being irritated with the enabling. Again, even if he were to simply help with the dishes, or clean up - that would be great. It's not just about getting gifts.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,635 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50671
Quote:
Originally Posted by VoxTerra
My goodness, you are really coming after me, post after post! Did I strike a nerve?
Wow. I am not trying to force anything on anyone. It's just a matter of frustration seeing how selfish he is towards his sweet grandparents and dad. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Yes, that's it.
You did strike a nerve.
As I mentioned before, I have a nephew on each side of the family who sounds very similar, except they are also morose and angry, as well as being clueless and ungrateful.
And we know why, in both cases, and there's a bit of guilt that comes with not stepping in and helping out one of them when he was a child an we could have done more to help. With the other nephew, there's nothing any of us could have done to prevent the damage he has sustained.
And I spent Christmas with my MIL, who was often in tears over the one grandson because her heart is broken. It's so very difficult to watch him in such pain.
So yes, I guess that's it. I don't know what made your nephew this clueless, but I'd guess it's because his parents didn't guide him all his childhood in how to give as well as receive. By doing what everyone else does - encouraging them from an early age to "earn" a little money doing chores and then going to the dollar store to buy gifts for others. Or, if they don't earn the money, at least the parent takes the child to Target with a list of people to buy for and an amount of cash. And then sends them to the present wrapping room.
This is not something that's appropriate to teach a 26 year old - this is a lesson for a 4 year old.
Maybe next year - around Thanksgiving time - you could mention to him that Grandma really loves amaryllis bulbs that you can buy at home depot, and dad needs a pair of work gloves, in the spirit of getting him over the hump of not knowing what to bring?
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