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This has been an ongoing situation over the years, and I finally said something this year. When he came over to his grandparents (where we have dinner and open gifts) I said "Hi! Hey, where are the presents?" And he said "What presents?" and I said "Presents for your dad and grandparents." His response? He just kind of looked down, shook his head and gave me a pissed off look.
He has a job, and he is leasing a brand new car. He has a girlfriend, who he buys gifts for.
He'll sit there on the floor by the tree and happily rip through gifts from his dad and I, and from his sweet and very generous grandparents - but never EVER gives anything in return. Even if he brought a bottle of wine, asked to help clean up the kitchen, or help cook - anything. But he does nothing. not even a freaking CARD! I've never seen anything like it. His girlfriend also received gifts again from us this year, yet she brought nothing for anyone else. My gosh, at least bring flowers for the table. Wow. She also never asks to help with cooking or cleanup. His sister and her boyfriend arrived and brought little gifts for everyone. She is a sweet, appreciative young woman.
The grandparents have been so generous over the years, taking him on trips, giving nice gifts on his birthday and holidays, etc. His dad and I welcomed him into our home rent-free for about a year, when he didn't want to live at his mom's house. He has since moved back with his mom (yes, at 26, almost 27), but was selfish even when living with us.
I made that comment to him and am done with it, but am just still so angry and frustrated at his blatant selfishness. His grandmother and I had a conversation about it and she just sighed and shrugged her shoulders. His dad is upset about it too, but won't say anything to him either. Guess it's easier to just keep cranking out gifts to him than to have a real conversation. As the stepmom, it's not really my place to come right out and have that conversation, and ask him why he never gives gifts to his family. But no one else will say anything. That's why I just finally was like "Hey - where are the gifts?!"
I am at the point where I feel it's ridiculous to continue giving him gifts when he does nothing. Am I overreacting?
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-27-2019 at 04:25 PM..
Reason: duplicate thread..You already have one and the same
His dad is upset about it too, but won't say anything to him either.
This ^^ is the problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VoxTerra
I am at the point where I feel it's ridiculous to continue giving him gifts when he does nothing.
That defeats the purpose of a gift.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VoxTerra
Am I overreacting?
Almost.
The way you handled it was great. It would have been better had his dad said it. But now that you've said something, let it go. You planted a seed that hopefully will germinate into him actually taking initiative and bringing presents for others next year.
To continue to stew about it would be overreacting.
Geez, just stop giving him gifts. No explanation necessary other than looking down, shaking your head, and scowling at him. He is old enough to know better but is acting like an entitled toddler.
I think your statement was passive-aggressive. I understand your resentment about this "taker."
Someone should speak to him or write to him and explain that gift giving is reciprocal - and if he wants to participate, he has to participate as both a giver and taker.
Just ask him if he wants to participate in gift giving with the family, or maybe do a white elephant where everyone brings one gift.
You know, I'm not a big fan of "It takes a village to raise a child" thinking. BUT! Indulgent dad and cowed grandparents seem to be a big part of the problem here. My two cents is to urge dad to grow a spine and stop enabling his kid's selfish behavior. That said, if dad wants to buy him things, without your involvement, there's nothing more you can do. Not your circus, not your particular monkey. But you have the right to express your opinion to your husband, then bow out.
I actually don't buy gifts for most people. The only people I buy gifts for are my parents, niece, and anyone I am dating at the time. On the other I don't want anything in return. In fact I prefer it that way. I hate receiving gifts, because I am a minimalist, and 50% of the times they aren't the most of practical gifts or things I don't really want or need.
Take a step back and think about what you are getting upset about. At the end of the day it's not a big deal. Just don't get him anymore gifts. Learn how to invest your energy and emotions into things that are worth it. This isn't worth it.
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