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In one of my most recent threads I talked about a best friend of mine that in the past months I have realized he is a serious narcissist. I have come to dislike him and am starting to back away from the friendship until it fizzles out. Most of this stemmed from a lot of incidents but it was a big one (what this thread is about) that kind of started to make me really rethink our friendship. It's all about him and hates it when he's not the one receiving attention. For the sake to not confuse people I will call him Johnny.
Johnny's other best friend was raped back in July. She is someone in the past year that I have gotten closer with and we would hang out quite a bit, without Johnny sometimes. I consider her a good friend After she was raped she went radio silent with me for two months (I didn't know she was raped, she just went silent). I did't know what was going on so I asked Johnny if he had talked to her. He told me something had happened to her. He then told me straight up that she was raped. It made me feel uncomfortable, because I felt like that was not his place to tell me, I was just asking because she disappeared. But naturally, because I care about her, I asked questions then. When I started asking Johnny about what happened, he explained, but then he proceeded to tell me that he thought she was making it up (without any good evidence) and then he was upset at her, because she also was going radio silent with him now and he felt as her best friend she should be reaching out to him for help. He was basically mad that she wasn't seeking out his help. His comments were not cool, but I didn't want to get involved. I did tell him he needed to understand that she was going through something real horrible, that he needed to understand she needs her space in order to heal. She stopped talking to him for about two months.
Fast forward two months later. She came out from radio silence and reached out to me. She came over my place and revealed everything to me (she didn't know that Johnny already told me that she was raped). I had a good talk with her and tried to be empathetic as much as I could. Based on what she told me it was certainly rape. But nonetheless it was a good talk. She revealed to me a lot: that she moved out the apartment she was raped in, she left to go stay with her parents for some time, and was going to therapy a couple of times a week. She also joined a rape victim support group. She then revealed that when she first told Johnny she was raped, he was not the most empathetic. Basically, he kept talking about all the guys he had been sleeping with and how he was dominating them. He then proceeded to tell her if she was sure she was raped, because he wasn't sure she was. So she stopped talking to him after that completely, but then revealed she made peace with him a week prior.
A couple of weeks later, I saw Johnny, and we were catching up and I mentioned that I saw her and she revealed to me about the rape and that her and I had a very good and deep talk. Johnny proceeded to tell me again he didn't think she was actually raped. I told him that unless he has 100% proof that she is lying, he needs to shut it, trust her, and support her. He's in the wrong big time for saying that.
What bothers me is that he is basically telling other people, behind her back, that he doesn't think she was raped, which I feel is terrible unless he has proof or something. Especially over something so serious.
So as I back away from the friendship with him, I also feel guilty knowing that he is saying that behind her back. They are friends again while I am choosing to back away from my friendship with him. I'd like to still be friends with her, but there is just this weight I am feeling when I see them interact knowing some of the stuff he is spewing behind her back.
Normally I would stay out of it, but it's one of those things that I think is wrong. While there are many reasons that I am backing away from my friendship from Johnny, this incident was the primary one that made me realize who he is as a person. Being that she is also my friend, I feel like I wouldn't be a good friend by not letting her know of this. But then part of me thinks maybe I am just trying to use this to support my breaking away from Johnny, subconsciously.
I don’t think I’d tell her that Johnny is talking with others about his disbelief about the rape. But, I’d probably phone him and tell him that I do believe her and find it really disappointing that he doubts her word and is also publicly questioning her credibility. And then I’d just go on about my business and fade out of the friendship with him, as this is your plan.
I don’t think I’d tell her that Johnny is talking with others about his disbelief about the rape. But, I’d probably phone him and tell him that I do believe her and find it really disappointing that he doubts her word and is also publicly questioning her credibility. And then I’d just go on about my business and fade out of the friendship with him, as this is your plan.
Thanks. Yah, I feel like perhaps I would just be starting drama if I did say something.
I wouldn't tell her either. Seems like, to me, that she's already dealing with enough, without adding the information that her friend doesn't believe her.
And besides, it seems like (again) to me, that any time he adds his opinion to the story of her rape, it adds more rope to his noose, and others are going to be looking at him side-ways from now on.
I wouldn't tell her either. Seems like, to me, that she's already dealing with enough, without adding the information that her friend doesn't believe her.
And besides, it seems like (again) to me, that any time he adds his opinion to the story of her rape, it adds more rope to his noose, and others are going to be looking at him side-ways from now on.
Thanks. I feel like in time she will drop him as well. Prior to her rape she had been talking about Johnny's behavior to me in private. I tried to change the subject because I don't like talking about friends to other friends behind their back, unless it's a serious situation that needs to be confronted. Hence why I come on these forums so much to talk about this stuff, haha. People think I am gossiping, but it's more to vent or to get insights from others without talking behind my friends' backs to other friends.
But I can see she is aware of his behavior. On top of that she didn't talk to him at all and ignored him for two months straight due to his reaction of the rape. I am sure when she sees that I am backing away and eventually gone she will probably start to question. Because one of his other best friend's, this past summer, also broke off the friendship with him. Not sure the reason, but I can assume some of the same.
When I look at her, myself, and his other best friend who broke the friendship off, we all have one very similar quality. We are very empathetic, so I think we all have kind of fallen for it and have been giving him the narcissistic supply he needs.
Last edited by frimpter928; 01-06-2020 at 09:43 AM..
When I hear a man is 'best' friend with a woman, I stop taking it seriously and laugh at the absurdity at the dynamics of it all.
They're not best friends. When Harry met Sally was spot on. Stop elevating it to that level and attaching that level of importance reserved for real best friend situations. And even then, this sacred 'best' friend binary/hierarchical approach is such a childish concept. Too much boundaries that can cross between man and women, as well as the propensity of taking on the "White Knight" role by one of the sexes (in this case you) to rescue the other.
When I hear a man is 'best' friend with a woman, I stop taking it seriously and laugh at the absurdity at the dynamics of it all.
They're not best friends. When Harry met Sally was spot on. Stop elevating it to that level and attaching that level of importance reserved for real best friend situations. And even then, this sacred 'best' friend binary/hierarchical approach is such a childish concept. Too much boundaries that can cross between man and women, as well as the propensity of taking on the "White Knight" role by one of the sexes (in this case you) to rescue the other.
There might be a couple of things you don't know. First of all, Frimpter is openly gay. So that sexual tension you allude to isn't part of the dynamics of this friend group. Also, I'm pretty sure the other guy is gay as well...although I'm not sure Frimpter said that for sure or not?
And some people ARE able to observe boundaries in friendships between the sexes. Your observation doesn't equate fact.
There might be a couple of things you don't know. First of all, Frimpter is openly gay. So that sexual tension you allude to isn't part of the dynamics of this friend group. Also, I'm pretty sure the other guy is gay as well...although I'm not sure Frimpter said that for sure or not?
And some people ARE able to observe boundaries in friendships between the sexes. Your observation doesn't equate fact.
Didn't say all friendship.. I said "BEST FRIEND" which is very specific, and often a source of drama.
It could be 100% platonic between a guy and girl, but as soon as that other person dates someone, that other new person will be extremely guarded against the potential of that boundary crossing between 'best' friends.
Thus it isn't just physical, there's a social component that prevents this. You can find rare exceptions, but posting such on open forums that reflects the masses, most won't understand the exact stress one has created with that attachment to 'best friend' status, and thus advice will be ignored or not as useful.
When I hear a man is 'best' friend with a woman, I stop taking it seriously and laugh at the absurdity at the dynamics of it all.
They're not best friends. When Harry met Sally was spot on. Stop elevating it to that level and attaching that level of importance reserved for real best friend situations. And even then, this sacred 'best' friend binary/hierarchical approach is such a childish concept. Too much boundaries that can cross between man and women, as well as the propensity of taking on the "White Knight" role by one of the sexes (in this case you) to rescue the other.
When Harry Met Sally was referring to straight male & female. From what the OP has said, it seems Johnny is gay. It was Harry's point (and you and I agree) that sex comes up in a supposed friendship between straight males & females, sooner or later.
Gay men can definitely be friends with straight women. And vice versa. If there's no underlying hostility toward women. I say that only because I had a casual male friend who was gay. I've moved, so don't see him any more. We were sort of close. We could be friends, but he did exhibit some passive-aggressive hostility toward women, IMO. Not just me, but other women, as well.
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