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I think you're looking at this all wrong ellenrr. What you're trying to do is second guess your friends motivation based on how you process things vs what the reality may be. We all live our own life and walk in our own shoes don't we? The way you think about friendships may be similar to the way others think about friendships, but not exactly the same way.
I have one friend that I would never hear from unless I contact her. She's very much a loner and really doesn't need anyone in her life. I accept her for who she is. If I feel the need to call her, I will. We can go half a year without talking and pick up where we left off. There's nothing wrong with that.
I lost track of my oldest friend when I was in my workaholic stage for nearly ten years. She thankfully didn't hold it against me. My birthday present one year was just to see her and her husband. We were able to make it happen and have been in regular contact ever since. They live about an hour and a half away so they bring the dogs when they come for a visit, which I love.
Friendships have their own time lines and each one, an individual expectation. Some of my friends feel the need to see me more often and some of them don't. I don't demand a tit for tat. I just go with the flow with each and every one of them.
Try not to over think these things ellen. You will lose a lot of good people if you try and force them into an emotional box of what may very well be unrealistic expectations. Let them be them. Tag along for the ride when it works out for both of you.
My new friend of about one year, Suzie, and I became very close. I have a number of close friends, but it's been a long time since I had a "best friend".
Like when they see me, people will say, 'where's suzie?' and vice versa. And someone to go places with. And laugh with.
So it's been nice.
I have all along taken a more active role, a more initiating role. Not for any reason, except that Suzie doesn't hear about as many events as I do, so I hear of any event, I ask her if she wants to go, and usually she says yes.
Mostly it's been me reaching out, ie. if I don't hear from her for a few days, and I know she is going thru a difficult time, I'll call and ask how she is. She does this sometimes, not as much as I do.
But sometimes I wonder - is she passive - or just doesn't care as much as I do?
A relationship should be mutual, or not?
I think it is a matter of - I am not very secure when it comes to maintaining friendships. I know people who are very secure in their relationships, and they would not even notice the imbalance.
I notice it, maybe I make it a bigger deal than it is so I can sabotage the relationship. I have a pattern of doing that, and really don't want to do that in this case, with this person that I like a LOT.
On the other hand, I don't want to be pushy and making more out of the friendship than there really is....
Confusing.
Any thoughts?
Perhaps she is also insecure, and thinks if she lets you initiate, then she will always know you want the interaction? She may be afraid of "bothering" you if she reaches out first.
"You will lose a lot of good people if you try and force them into an emotional box of what may very well be unrealistic expectations. Let them be them. Tag along for the ride when it works out for both of you."
-^ This is very true. I am finally learning this. I have lost good friends by wanting them to be the way I want them to be.
And up to me to be understanding, not such a big deal..
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
Perhaps she is also insecure, and thinks if she lets you initiate, then she will always know you want the interaction? She may be afraid of "bothering" you if she reaches out first.
Don't forget to tell her sometime when the time is right that you "like her a lot." She may have the same kind of self-doubt that you experience. We all like to hear that from a friend.
You are actually right.
I detect some fear in her or caution about being rejected.
We tell ourselves often that we like each other a lot.
It's true-- we all can be insecure, and we all want to be reassured.
It took me many many years to "get" this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar
Don't forget to tell her sometime when the time is right that you "like her a lot." She may have the same kind of self-doubt that you experience. We all like to hear that from a friend.
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