Is my friend passive, or just doesn't care? (person, retired, insecure)
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My new friend of about one year, Suzie, and I became very close. I have a number of close friends, but it's been a long time since I had a "best friend".
Like when they see me, people will say, 'where's suzie?' and vice versa. And someone to go places with. And laugh with.
So it's been nice.
I have all along taken a more active role, a more initiating role. Not for any reason, except that Suzie doesn't hear about as many events as I do, so I hear of any event, I ask her if she wants to go, and usually she says yes.
Mostly it's been me reaching out, ie. if I don't hear from her for a few days, and I know she is going thru a difficult time, I'll call and ask how she is. She does this sometimes, not as much as I do.
But sometimes I wonder - is she passive - or just doesn't care as much as I do?
A relationship should be mutual, or not?
I think it is a matter of - I am not very secure when it comes to maintaining friendships. I know people who are very secure in their relationships, and they would not even notice the imbalance.
I notice it, maybe I make it a bigger deal than it is so I can sabotage the relationship. I have a pattern of doing that, and really don't want to do that in this case, with this person that I like a LOT.
On the other hand, I don't want to be pushy and making more out of the friendship than there really is....
Is she a little bit lazy? Has she ever suggested something that you vetoed? Does she express enjoyment when you two do things together? Does she ever express appreciation that you think of things to do together?
Does she support you in a crisis or difficult situation? Would you trust her advice? Would you trust her to have your best interests at heart? Would she betray a confidence?
I think if you answer questions like these, you’ll have a better feel fir the state of your friendship.
And there is nothing wrong with asking your friend what she wants to do on a given weekend.
My new friend of about one year, Suzie, and I became very close. I have a number of close friends, but it's been a long time since I had a "best friend".
Like when they see me, people will say, 'where's suzie?' and vice versa. And someone to go places with. And laugh with.
So it's been nice.
I have all along taken a more active role, a more initiating role. Not for any reason, except that Suzie doesn't hear about as many events as I do, so I hear of any event, I ask her if she wants to go, and usually she says yes.
Mostly it's been me reaching out, ie. if I don't hear from her for a few days, and I know she is going thru a difficult time, I'll call and ask how she is. She does this sometimes, not as much as I do.
But sometimes I wonder - is she passive - or just doesn't care as much as I do? A relationship should be mutual, or not?
I think it is a matter of - I am not very secure when it comes to maintaining friendships. I know people who are very secure in their relationships, and they would not even notice the imbalance.
I notice it, maybe I make it a bigger deal than it is so I can sabotage the relationship. I have a pattern of doing that, and really don't want to do that in this case, with this person that I like a LOT.
On the other hand, I don't want to be pushy and making more out of the friendship than there really is....
Confusing.
Any thoughts?
You answered your own question. No, it doesn't have to be 50/50.
If it works the way it is now then just go with the flow and continue and enjoy the friendship.
hmm. good questions...
When she suggests something, I almost always say yes.
Yes, she says she likes that I come up with these ideas, and that she likes doing them with me.
and your other questions-- yes she is a very good friend.
I thank you for your input.
I think I am just insecure, and also not used to trusting someone like I trust her, as far as I trust her to be "loyal and true" in friendship, which is not always how things work out.
So I think I have to trust myself more, and trust her more.
appreciate your reply.
ellen
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
You know your friend better than we do.
Is she a little bit lazy? Has she ever suggested something that you vetoed? Does she express enjoyment when you two do things together? Does she ever express appreciation that you think of things to do together?
Does she support you in a crisis or difficult situation? Would you trust her advice? Would you trust her to have your best interests at heart? Would she betray a confidence?
I think if you answer questions like these, you’ll have a better feel fir the state of your friendship.
And there is nothing wrong with asking your friend what she wants to do on a given weekend.
You answered your own question. No, it doesn't have to be 50/50.
If it works the way it is now then just go with the flow and continue and enjoy the friendship.
If, as you say, you tend to be the initiator, maybe she's content with that. If it ain't broke, why fix it? As for "going with the flow" maybe that's all she's doing. Its possible she could give you some pointers...
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-18-2020 at 03:12 PM..
hmm. good questions...
When she suggests something, I almost always say yes.
Yes, she says she likes that I come up with these ideas, and that she likes doing them with me.
and your other questions-- yes she is a very good friend.
I thank you for your input.
I think I am just insecure, and also not used to trusting someone like I trust her, as far as I trust her to be "loyal and true" in friendship, which is not always how things work out.
So I think I have to trust myself more, and trust her more.
My best friend and I have know each other for over forty years. I have always been the passive one, for the most part, in any relationship because I am afraid of being rejected. When I was married to abusive my ex-husband, I didn't reach out to anyone very often because of how he treated me when I did. She never gave up on me, and kept our friendship going, even though my ex wasn't happy about it.
Just like a marriage, each person takes a different roll in any relationship. I think your friend is like me, and just doesn't reach out as much as you do. That doesn't mean she doesn't care, that's just the way she is.
She sounds like a pretty good friend. Who cares who comes up with the ideas on what to do? If you want to maintain the friendship, stop keeping score.
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