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Lady, I sincerely think you can be upset with a moocher and upset with your kindhearted gent.
I don't understand why you can't be both?
Can you also acknowledge that his good heartedness is what genuinely makes him a decent human being.
The end game is its NOT YOUR MONEY or YOUR decision to make as to where he contributes his funds. Yes you can be a good judge of character and see this person as a mooch ...and him as a patsy. Or you can take the greater compliment of He is helping a person plain and simple.
Get out of this relationship as soon as possible. You'll be better off. You have a very minute chance of changing this in him. The fact that he is aware of how you feel, your concerns, the length of time dating, etc. it makes the potential future outcomes a little more clear; the last thing you want is to potentially marry him and then this continue behind your back. There is always prenups and separate financial options, but that is a marriage doomed from the start. Finances are the number one reason for divorce and trust is the most important aspect in a relationship. Don't get stuck or put yourself in this potentially life changing catastrophic position when you still have options. I know it's real and the pain will hurt letting go, but over time it will heal. You will look back and realize you did what you could and it just wasn't good enough; but that it WASN"T YOUR FAULT..
Great advice my friend. To answer your question why my boyfriend cares so much about other people before his taking care of himself first, probably has to do with his religious upbringing and his Father financially enabling him on big purchases & sometimes home repairs. It's nice of his Dad to help him out but I think it's done more harm than good. He has told me about having compassion for others. That's great but anyone can show compassion without opening their wallet. Being compassionate is one of his great qualities but sometimes he doesn't understand boundaries need to be set that's it's okay to say no.
...
It could be that you are together for a reason:
You could gently point it out to him that “his compassion to others” in the situation you described here does more harm than good.
Paying someone’s phone bill ( non- essential expense, really) makes him an enabler of a person who will continue to make very poor financial decisions
You could suggest better ways: sit down with him to look into his current finances and patiently try to help him to get out of financial hole he is in by showing him how to schedule his budget, making structured payments, etc.
You two even could go together for some free credit counseling - try to find one nearby..
Or both of you could educate yourself on reputable websites like bogle heads, nerd wallet, etc.
To commend his passion for helping others and to let him feel good about himself - you both could try to figure out a small percentage he could designate for a meaningful charity- even if he can not truly afford one- where his money could address an immediate and urgent needs of other people in unfortunate circumstances: by buying food for donation to a food pantry, or paying someone who can not afford it a part of medication bills, etc.
Another option- in lieu of money you 2 could volunteer together- tell him that it is easy to throw away money at someone, but truly to be charitable and compassionate- he may need to get his hands dirty.
Tell him that if he could concentrate now how to get himself out of financial problems by curbing unnecessary expenses, cutting back, getting another job, etc- he could be even more helpful to other people down the road with more substantial donations ( rather than paying financial charges, interest rates to fat banks).
Having good long term goals may bring more meaning to his and your life.
You could be his guiding force and it could bring you closer together: he might be a good husband material after all...
You could assess that later
She also used to same Church as me and my boyfriend then dropped out.
Why does this not surprise me.
I bet she met a lot of nice people at that church who helped her with rides, money or food. She got what she wanted, now she's moved on to another church, to do the same thing. This is a very typical story. Churches have to be on guard for people like this who just show up wanting money. My mom worked for a church for over a decade and this was a very common occurrence. They typically move on and/or cut people off once they either get what they want, or realize they can't get anymore. Once the source is tapped out, they're gone. They are human parasites and will move on to a new host.
I knew a woman just like her, who would go around to churches needing rides and money, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same person.
The police won't do anything because you called her twice on the phone. It doesn't meet the legal definition of harassment.
Last edited by PriscillaVanilla; 01-22-2020 at 10:04 AM..
She didn't
I read between the lines
She doesn't want to marry him. She doesn't like that he's a "push over", but yet she's still with him
Most women or men i know would have moved on by now.
She didn't
I read between the lines
She doesn't want to marry him. She doesn't like that he's a "push over", but yet she's still with him
Most women or men i know would have moved on by now.
My husband is kind of passive. He is good at some things and I am better at other things. That is how it often works.
My husband is kind of passive. He is good at some things and I am better at other things. That is how it often works.
But if you had to describe him to strangers, would calling him a door mat be your go to description? Calling him a sucker? That he can't stand up for himself?
Yes, everyone has their faults. The thing is, most people don't dwell on the faults of their significant others. And they don't use those faults as an excuse not to get married.
You say "my husband", which shows the you were able to look past any faults he might have and still marry him.
If someone isn't good enough to marry, why stay with them? I agree with the other poster that the most likely reason is not wanting to be alone.
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