Another thread about my 35 year friendships...try to be nice (male, socializing)
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So my previous post was "am I stuck with my friends". Now, here I am again, trying to figure out how to get away from them. On the other hand, if I do, I will have no one. And also, how would explain a sudden disappearance, even if I suck it up and decide to be ok without friends?
You have to decide if your principles outweigh the possibility of having no friends. Only you can answer that.
I think you should have a heart to heart with them about your feelings. Not in an accusatory way (don't say "racist" because that will only make them defensive.) Something like this:
"We've been friends a long time and I believe you are good people at heart, but something really bothers me and I need to talk about it. At the party, there were several references to the fact that (John) is black. Music, dancing stereotypes, etc. I assume you were only trying make him feel included, but it telegraphs that you simply see him as "a black guy" rather than the person he is. In fact, knowing John as a person, you should know by now that he doesn't even dance so that reference doesn't make sense anyway! These remarks comes off as prejudicial and are hurtful to me even though I know you didn't mean any harm. I don't want you to put this on John because he did not make any complaint about this -- this is coming from me.Idon't like it."
Maybe this kind to talk will educate them about "innocent" stereotyping is received. BTW were the latina/Jewish friends saying these comments? If so you might include something like "If someone said 'we made enchiladas just for you' and you never said liked enchiladas in the past, how would you feel?"
I agree that it's not racism per se---it's more reverse prejudice and stereotyping---that blacks have an innate sense of rhythm and only like "black music." In my day, the rock star males were actual rock stars, almost always white, long hair, incredibly skinny. Today's equivalent is hip hop stars, almost always black, buff and athletic looking. And these celebrities and those that can best emulate them are almost placed on a cultural pedestal---I don't think anyone is looking down on them, except maybe for a small number of racists who will accept sports and entertainment performed by blacks, but ultimately hate/think blacks are inferior.
I personally don't understand an emphasis on race, because there is such diversity within racial categories. But it's there, by all sides. Have you ever heard a black person refer to themselves as being black, like "you can kiss my black a**"? And I never understand why they are bringing up their race.
Drinking definitely releases inhibitions. At least your friends weren't angry, hostile, belittling your husband. But alcohol (and maybe their upbringing and way of existing in the world) shrunk their brains a bit in that moment so it seemed witty and spot-on to rely on the stereotypes in an attempt to connect with and include your husband.
I really don't see it any differently than joking about a tall friend playing basketball better.
It reminded me of a work party many, many years ago when we were all dancing. My black co-worker teased me about dancing like a white girl and taught me how to dance black, slow and smooth, like him. It was fun and it's a good memory.
If they were truly racist, they wouldn't have invited both of you. We're allowed to be different and we're allowed to notice and joke about perceived differences. The fact that they actually joked about it, to me, means they aren't racist at all, they're very comfortable around him.
I haven’t read most of the comments but here’s my reaction...... I wouldn’t ditch these friends but just put into perspective they are people who you moderately enjoy at times and do give you an opportunity to socialize with. You sort of like them. But you also find them annoying. You have total control over when you see them and how you react. You could/should have said “Whaaat??? Jack is the worst dancer! You guys and your stereotypes! Stop it!!! Now if you want to see good dancing, I think Mark is the the guy.......”
In other words, be lighthearted but get your point across. And take ownership of voicing your reactions in a positive but assertive way.
OP, you are not stuck with these friends. You are choosing to be stuck with them.
Just start declining invitations from them. If they reach out wanting an explanation, you could deflect by saying "I'm just not up for it." and then change the subject.
OP, you are not stuck with these friends. You are choosing to be stuck with them.
Just start declining invitations from them. If they reach out wanting an explanation, you could deflect by saying "I'm just not up for it." and then change the subject.
If they continue to invite, I doubt they are racist, unless they are sending OP the msg that she should replace DH with “a person of acceptable skin color.” IF that is the case, ditch the so-called friends and do not mince words about why. They need to know you won’t put up with racism.
Racist or not, their comments you described were offputting to me. I would feel similarly if I went to my spouse’s friends’ party and they served rice with comments like, “We should have had you cook the rice.” It might be intended as a compliment, but it isn’t necessary to further stereotypes with gratuitous words. Put the music on, or serve the rice, and just get dancing or eating. ANYBODY can enjoy those; it’s a party, not a competition.
Difference between noting well-known stereotype and racism. It seems like it was just an awkward, dumb statement/attempt at humor. You should develop a thicker skin and stop looking for trouble, but really stop hanging out with people you can't stand.
I'm thinking about how I'd feel if I were in the room. I'd be afraid to talk about anything but the weather.
We have someone in our extended family like this, always asking "What did you MEAN by that?" I feel put on the defensive when I don't need to be.
It makes me feel like he thinks I don't like him because of his race. His issue, not mine. I wouldn't host him if he were a person I disapproved of. And if I did it wouldn't be because of his race but because of his behavior. Everything about him fits in well with our family standards. He's family.
Trying to help him feel accepted as you would any new member of the family becomes even more awkward to the point of being afraid to say anything at all. A person put in this spot finds it very difficult to say the "right thing" to reassure a suspicious person.
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