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Actually, it is. Forming relationships with people at work only leads to problems at work.
I'm friendly with everyone at work, but that ends when it's off the clock time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Yep, if they didn't work together there wouldn't be any childish breakroom interactions to complain about.
But her problem is with a person she's NOT dating. And the problem isn't that she's dating a coworker, but that she's dating anyone at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12
I completely agree! Yet in every workplace there is a manager or department head or supervisor or fellow workers who constantly try to promote closeness among workers by scheduling activities outside of work and by making it seem like one must attend, and who are seeking friends from the workplace in a coercive manner, and will not just let people work and leave each day!
Not to mention all the activities at work - get-togethers for birthdays, holidays, etc - with pressure to attend.
It's a bit hard to tell people not to socialize and be friendly with people they spend most of their waking hours with for most of their life. That's why workplaces try to encourage people to get along. Most people spend more time around their coworkers than around their own family. A bit difficult when they're all supposed to act like stranger robots to each other.
Besides, where someone is even so much as an acquaintance, there's going to be drama. There are a million threads here about that-- drama in workplaces, in gyms, in organizations and clubs, etc., between people who barely know each other and might even never socialize, but all it takes is for one person to get their knickers in a knot over a perceived slight or jealousy or whatever and it's off to the races.
Hey lovely people. I’m a lesbian. I work with a female, call her Beth. Beth and I were best friends for years, legitimately did everything together from trips to daily sleepovers. Batman and robin. Some red flags, however, including constant smack talking about everyone in our group of friends. She would just do very shady **** (never to me, only others) that I ignored because I loved her. She has a very hateful side that came out frequently (again, never to me)
Beth considered herself straight, however, admitted that she grew some feelings for me. Numerous phone calls at 3am confessing her feelings. I didn’t feel the same, but she continued to try. She eventually stopped trying and started dating other people, as did I (nothing serious though). We’d keep each other in the loop and laugh about our dating stories. Nothing changed between us and things were great, I figured she’s definitely over me.
2 years later, new female named Ashley joins our work and friend group. A few months into it, i realized I had feelings for Ashley and decided to pursue her. turns out, she had feelings for me too and we started dating (tried to keep it low key but our body language made it only too obvious to friends).
Beth picked up the vibes between us and turned into a complete monster, that I knew she was always capable of but ignored because it was never directed at me. First, she tried convincing me that Ashley is “whack”. Didn’t work. Then tried convincing Ashley that I’m whack and a “player” apparently and don’t take relationships seriously. Essentially she wanted to sabotage our relationship, that was more than obvious to me, but not to Ashley, who has severe insecurity issues.
Ashley distanced herself from me and got closer to Beth. Beth kept their friendship alive through constant “updates” and “advice” of what I’m doing and what I’m actually like (all bad). I read their messages, which tore me apart. I could not believe Beth would say those things about me to someone I had feelings for. Further, Beth made it a point to humiliate me in public every chance she got. I’m an introvert and feel awkward in social situations, she knew that. she became so hateful towards me, but tried to mask it as “I’m just kidding you’re being sensitive”.
Our friend group became awkward..Beth is very extroverted and was naturally closer to our friends than I was, so I felt weird. She turned on me and tried to convince others that I’m not good. I was still cool with the other friends but the vibe wasn’t the same. So I ended the friendship cold turkey. All ties cut, no looking back. Didn’t end on good terms but I was ready to move on. So be it, I thought. (This is my mindset now, at the time I was completely heartbroken and this whole thing really tore me apart).
3 months later (today), I spent a few months working at a different bureau and recently came back in the last month. Me and Ashley have been together for 3 months and are happy. She realized after hanging out with Beth what she is actually like, and cut all ties as well. I have no real problem working with Beth. She makes little chirps here and there directed at me, subliminally of course, because she doesn’t have the nuts to say anything to my face. I brush it off, I don’t let things affect my work. When she realized her tactics aren’t working, she became angry. If she’s talking to someone and I walk in the room, she walks out. So dramatic. People at work are noticing and have came up to me saying she’s being immature and childish, asked me to talk to her to bury the hatchet - Not a chance in hell. It’s not that I can’t get over what she did, it’s the place her actions came from - a very hateful, toxic mindset. Someone I need to stay away from.
Why is she acting like this? It’s been 7 months, move on.
It never fails to surprise me when sidekicks of nasty bullies are shocked, just shocked when that nastiness gets turned on the side kick. Surprise! You were friends with a monster. She turned her monstrousness on you. What did you expect?
Yep...^^^got to agree with that. As Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Beth showed you who she was with her nasty comments about others. You were just lucky to be on her good side because you were being the introverted Robin to her big b**chy Batman. Once she found out that you weren't under her spell, she turned on you too.
I don't agree that all work relationships/friendships are to be avoided. Some of my work friends are my best lifelong friends. I met my DH because he was an ex of one of my close friends, who also was a friend from a former workplace. Where I worked, people worked there together for decades, and you couldn't help but make friends. Many people were friends, lovers, and family members. Mostly the drama was kept at home. I did date a guy there for a year and it ended. We worked together for another 10 years without issues.
OP, just behave like a mature adult and ignore Beth's behavior, and don't let others gossip to you about her.
This is not an uncommon relationship dynamic. Bully befriends more introverted, nicer person. What the bully gets is a little of the nicer person's reputation rubbing off on them, and also someone who will put up with their antics. What the nicer person gets is the attention of a more dynamic person. It's "fun" and "exciting" to be in the circle of people the bully doesn't actually bully. But it always ends badly. For the nicer person, their reputation may get tarnished because other people are thinking:
"She seems so nice and I've never heard her speak a bad word about anyone; and yet, how nice can she actually be if THAT is her best friend?"
Eventually it all falls apart. When the bully starts to see cracks in the loyalty of the nicer person, the bully turns on her.
To the OP: don't expect Beth to ever change. Deal with it however you will, but go forward knowing that fact.
It never fails to surprise me when sidekicks of nasty bullies are shocked, just shocked when that nastiness gets turned on the side kick. Surprise! You were friends with a monster. She turned her monstrousness on you. What did you expect?
In a nutshell.
If you look at it through squinty eyes you'll see a lesson in vanity there.
I heard some good advice about dating co-workers: if you absolutely must do it, behave like each of you are married to others and you’re having an affair which must not be discovered.
My late mother in law usually had something unkind to say about people when they weren’t around, but she was as sweet as candy to their face. I always wondered what she was saying about ME.
It never fails to surprise me when sidekicks of nasty bullies are shocked, just shocked when that nastiness gets turned on the side kick. Surprise! You were friends with a monster. She turned her monstrousness on you. What did you expect?
Good observation. In reading this saga I kept thinking...what is to be gained by being with a person that talks smack? Op- what was the pay off to having her in your circle of friends?
Worrisome still is you rekindled your relations with this Wendy person. Both person's Beth and Wendy are less kind in how they treated your values in humanity.
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