How do I handle my adult daughter's (27/f) constant control over my (62/f) life? (girlfriend, boyfriend)

[gettingfromunderthumb]

I love my child and overall we have a good and close relationship but she can be overly controlling on my life. It’s as if I need her permission to make my own decisions. In this health environment things have only gotten worse. She doesn’t want me to see anyone or go anywhere. I’m very cautious on my own.
I told her I decided to have my cleaning person return with the understanding that this person wear mask and gloves and I will be out of the house in my office for the few hours that she will be here. I also had to have a refrigerator replaced so there were some repairman here it was wearing mask and gloves and I stayed near the door. And there were other things that life presents that we just need to do. She seem to understand but not be happy about it. The real problem centers on my social life.
i have been in a relationship for almost a year and she is vehemently against me seeing this person.I think she’s using it as an excuse since she really has never been easy to deal with in terms of my dating life. Now I have an issue because her and her fiancé who live out of state want to visit for a few weeks. Do I tell my significant other not come here for a few weeks? She also told me that I shouldn’t see anybody now since it’s a 14 day incubation period and she and her fiancé have been avoiding contact with any other people and she doesn’t want me to give her that could possibly result in the virus because she says her immunity system is depressed. Well the facts are that she sees her doctor twice a week and I saw her visiting her girlfriend yesterday and she visits her fiancé’s family from time to time reluctantly. Do I not see anybody for the next 14 days plus the few weeks she’s here or do I just make my own decision and tell her that she can decide whether or not to visit based on my actions?

My bf is having outpatient surgery in a few weeks so I planned on staying with him for several days and he’s required to take a corona virus test (both types). Assuming he’s negative do I tell her so she backs off a bit maybe?

[joe from dayton]

If she is that concerned about exposing you to germs or disease, why is she travelling with her fiancee to come and visit? You are a grown woman -- tell her to butt out of your social life. You need to tell your daughter not to come over if the sight of your significant other is going to cause problems.

[Parnassia]

Originally Posted by gettingfromunderthumb

I love my child and overall we have a good and close relationship but she can be overly controlling on my life. It’s as if I need her permission to make my own decisions. In this health environment things have only gotten worse. She doesn’t want me to see anyone or go anywhere. I’m very cautious on my own.
I told her I decided to have my cleaning person return with the understanding that this person wear mask and gloves and I will be out of the house in my office for the few hours that she will be here. I also had to have a refrigerator replaced so there were some repairman here it was wearing mask and gloves and I stayed near the door. And there were other things that life presents that we just need to do. She seem to understand but not be happy about it. The real problem centers on my social life.
i have been in a relationship for almost a year and she is vehemently against me seeing this person.I think she’s using it as an excuse since she really has never been easy to deal with in terms of my dating life. Now I have an issue because her and her fiancé who live out of state want to visit for a few weeks. Do I tell my significant other not come here for a few weeks? She also told me that I shouldn’t see anybody now since it’s a 14 day incubation period and she and her fiancé have been avoiding contact with any other people and she doesn’t want me to give her that could possibly result in the virus because she says her immunity system is depressed. Well the facts are that she sees her doctor twice a week and I saw her visiting her girlfriend yesterday and she visits her fiancé’s family from time to time reluctantly. Do I not see anybody for the next 14 days plus the few weeks she’s here or do I just make my own decision and tell her that she can decide whether or not to visit based on my actions?

My bf is having outpatient surgery in a few weeks so I planned on staying with him for several days and he’s required to take a corona virus test (both types). Assuming he’s negative do I tell her so she backs off a bit maybe?

Sounds as if your personal boundaries with this daughter need adjusting. Tell her to back off more than "a bit". Both of you are independent adults and can make your own decisions for better or worse. Especially in your social life. That's not her business. You do not need her approval. Tell her you appreciate her concern but that you will do what you feel is best for you. However, part of the problem is you...the more details you give her about your life the more ammunition she'll have. You need to back off somewhat too. Don't confide so much.

[Sassybluesy]

Maybe stop telling your daughter the details of your life.


How were you able to see that your daughter was visiting a friend, when she lives so far away?


Mod cut.

[MinivanDriver]

How hard is it to say, "Daughter, I really appreciate your good intentions here, but I'm a grown woman who is exercising reasonable caution. Do you mind backing off"?



There.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

Maybe stop telling your daughter the details of your life.


How were you able to see that your daughter was visiting a friend, when she lives so far away?


[Snip.]

Great post.

[MPowering1]

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

Maybe stop telling your daughter the details of your life.


How were you able to see that your daughter was visiting a friend, when she lives so far away?


[Snip.]

Mod cut: (reply to comment which has been deleted).

OP, it might be awkward to have your bf there while your daughter is visiting, and if you haven't seen her in a while, you might have more quality time with her if he's elsewhere.

But regarding you seeing him, that's none of her concern. You're a grown woman and I'd question why she isn't happy that you're not alone and are happy.

And I agree with Sassy - stop sharing personal information with her.

[Bevv]

Tell her that you will not be changing your patterns for her. If she chooses to come she will adjust to you including your visits with your male friend.

[RamenAddict]

If the OP’s daughter has a depressed immune system, maybe it is not time for her to be visiting the OP or making demands on the OP as to what she does in her own time. She needs to accept that the OP is going to do what she is going to do, including seeing her boyfriend, going to the grocery store, etc.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by gettingfromunderthumb

I love my child and overall we have a good and close relationship but she can be overly controlling on my life. It’s as if I need her permission to make my own decisions. In this health environment things have only gotten worse. She doesn’t want me to see anyone or go anywhere. I’m very cautious on my own.
I told her I decided to have my cleaning person return with the understanding that this person wear mask and gloves and I will be out of the house in my office for the few hours that she will be here. I also had to have a refrigerator replaced so there were some repairman here it was wearing mask and gloves and I stayed near the door. And there were other things that life presents that we just need to do. She seem to understand but not be happy about it. The real problem centers on my social life.
i have been in a relationship for almost a year and she is vehemently against me seeing this person.I think she’s using it as an excuse since she really has never been easy to deal with in terms of my dating life. Now I have an issue because her and her fiancé who live out of state want to visit for a few weeks. Do I tell my significant other not come here for a few weeks? She also told me that I shouldn’t see anybody now since it’s a 14 day incubation period and she and her fiancé have been avoiding contact with any other people and she doesn’t want me to give her that could possibly result in the virus because she says her immunity system is depressed. Well the facts are that she sees her doctor twice a week and I saw her visiting her girlfriend yesterday and she visits her fiancé’s family from time to time reluctantly. Do I not see anybody for the next 14 days plus the few weeks she’s here or do I just make my own decision and tell her that she can decide whether or not to visit based on my actions?

My bf is having outpatient surgery in a few weeks so I planned on staying with him for several days and he’s required to take a corona virus test (both types). Assuming he’s negative do I tell her so she backs off a bit maybe?

You're the mom! You should know the answer to these questions. Be the mom.

No wonder she's controlling of your life. (Though it's hard to see how, since she lives nowhere near you.) You don't seem able to run your own life and make your own decisions, so she steps in.

If you don't want her running your life, be the grown-up in the equation, so she doesn't have to. Step up to the plate of your own life.