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When the wedding invitation comes, she will skip the wedding. Not a big deal. I've done that. I've skipped weddings when I knew it would be a sea of couples and I was unattached. I retained the friendship. I explained my discomfort in the situation of being an unattached person among a sea of couples.
Sitting home alone is a better course of actions than being miserable around others.
But, if it were really not about you, you'd go to the wedding/event and support your friends. I've always been the single friend in my circle, and I can't imagine not being at a special event because I might feel a little awkward for a while. As someone with some social anxiety, it's never as bad as I imagined.
But, if it were really not about you, you'd go to the wedding/event and support your friends. I've always been the single friend in my circle, and I can't imagine not being at a special event because I might feel a little awkward for a while. As someone with some social anxiety, it's never as bad as I imagined.
I have had similar experiences to the OP. I am able to identify with her situation and offer guidance.
I have skipped events such as New Year's Eve parties, Super Bowl parties, and weddings at times due to knowing the event would be me as a single and unattached person in a sea of couples. I have skipped those events due to having bad experiences in situations as a single & unattached among all couples. The correct course of action when single and unattached is to be skip friend events that are couples centric. It is really better for both sides. The couples don't really want a single person there and the single person is going to feel out of place.
I have explained my situation when skipping events to people. Everyone has been understanding and fine with it. Friendships have been retained. It has probably been better for the friendships to not have me present at those times.
I believe it is my duty to be good to myself first and foremost. Putting myself in a situation where I would feel uncomfortable is not being good to myself. Also, it is more necessary for me when single to find a new romantic partner rather than spend time with my friends at events that will not lead to me getting romantic opportunities. Friends should always be a lower priority than romance.
I have had similar experiences to the OP. I am able to identify with her situation and offer guidance.
I have skipped events such as New Year's Eve parties, Super Bowl parties, and weddings at times due to knowing the event would be me as a single and unattached person in a sea of couples. I have skipped those events due to having bad experiences in situations as a single & unattached among all couples. The correct course of action when single and unattached is to be skip friend events that are couples centric. It is really better for both sides. The couples don't really want a single person there and the single person is going to feel out of place.
I have explained my situation when skipping events to people. Everyone has been understanding and fine with it. Friendships have been retained. It has probably been better for the friendships to not have me present at those times.
I believe it is my duty to be good to myself first and foremost. Putting myself in a situation where I would feel uncomfortable is not being good to myself. Also, it is more necessary for me when single to find a new romantic partner rather than spend time with my friends at events that will not lead to me getting romantic opportunities. Friends should always be a lower priority than romance.
Do not confuse what you may believe best for you to be best for all in a similar situation. It's not all about you.
I wonder how many people who posted on this are coupled. It explains the total lack of understanding.
OP, I have to agree with the person who suggested skipping the event. And, no, you don't have to go into detail to your friend that you're skipping it because of the couples aspect. Don't defend or justify your decisions, it's not necessary.
I also agree with the poster who suggested you should try to start finding single friends who you will have more in common with as you get older. There isn't any guarantee that you'll EVER find a romantic partner, and you have to learn to be happy as a single person. Being around couples all the time will cause you a lot of unrest and unhappiness, you will always feel rotten about yourself after being around them and you will get dragged into a lot of conversations about your lack of partner (which is really no one's business).
Friends come and go in our lives, there isn't any reason to take them so seriously and make ourselves uncomfortable in order to satisfy our friends' expectations. Maybe once in a while you can go to something, but don't force yourself to always kowtow to other people. Don't listen to these posters that your own feelings aren't important. They are important. If a friendship or social situation makes you feel bad about yourself or uncomfortable, it's WRONG for you.
I also agree with the poster who suggested you should try to start finding single friends who you will have more in common with as you get older. There isn't any guarantee that you'll EVER find a romantic partner, and you have to learn to be happy as a single person. Being around couples all the time will cause you a lot of unrest and unhappiness, you will always feel rotten about yourself after being around them and you will get dragged into a lot of conversations about your lack of partner (which is really no one's business).
Friends come and go in our lives, there isn't any reason to take them so seriously and make ourselves uncomfortable in order to satisfy our friends' expectations. Maybe once in a while you can go to something, but don't force yourself to always kowtow to other people. Don't listen to these posters that your own feelings aren't important. They are important. If a friendship or social situation makes you feel bad about yourself or uncomfortable, it's WRONG for you.
You're on the right path with being happy with whatever romantic state you're in and finding friends who respect you as who you are. The bolded part is just ridiculous, though. Single people don't have to associate only with other single people, and if being around your married friends makes you feel bad, that's on you. It's not kowtowing to people to share in their celebrations, and if you really care about each other as friends, you'll always have a place. If your friends put you on the spot and judge you, then maybe they're not really your friends.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 05-25-2020 at 08:57 AM..
You're on the right path with being happy with whatever romantic state you're in and finding friends who respect you as who you are. The bolded part is just ridiculous, though. Single people don't have to associate only with other single people, and if being around your married friends makes you feel bad, that's on you. It's not kowtowing to people to share in their celebrations, and if you really care about each other as friends, you'll always have a place. If your friends put you on the spot and judge you, then maybe they're not really your friends.
Yes. It's crazy to think you should have to change friendships due to your or their relationship status.
How exactly would that work? You ditch all your coupled friends, because they're of no value to you unless their romantic life constantly mirrors yours? You find singles, and then start ditching them as they get into relationships, and resume the friendships if they're single again? If you get into a relationship, do you then reach out to the people you ditched previously, to try and be their friends again?
How would you possibly have a relationship with anyone at all then? The world does not work that way.
Yes. It's crazy to think you should have to change friendships due to your or their relationship status.
How exactly would that work? You ditch all your coupled friends, because they're of no value to you unless their romantic life constantly mirrors yours? You find singles, and then start ditching them as they get into relationships, and resume the friendships if they're single again? If you get into a relationship, do you then reach out to the people you ditched previously, to try and be their friends again?
How would you possibly have a relationship with anyone at all then? The world does not work that way.
I have lived through this and will explain how it works.
It tends to work through natural order.
The basic premise is that there is an uneasy dynamic between single and unattached people and couples. So, with very minimal effort, friendships tend to fall off if there's not a major hobby commonality. The friend who is part of a couple with mostly established couples friends won't extend invitations to couple centric events to the unattached person. On the off chance that an invitation is extended, the single and unattached person will decline it. If the friendship is sustained due to a difference in relationship status, it will often be hobby based. For instance, an attached guy will play golf or tennis with an unattached guy, or maybe the two guys will fix a car together. An attached woman and an unattached woman will go to a ballet or museum together, or a one on one brunch. Once an unattached person attaches, they'll get more invites and they'll accept more invites to couples centric events.
Now, let's say that two single and unattached males or two single and unattached females become friends. One attaches before the other. They'll interact less frequently while their relationship status differs and the interactions will be like the hobby based interactions I described above during the time of relationship status differences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by smt1111
I wonder how many people who posted on this are coupled. It explains the total lack of understanding.
OP, I have to agree with the person who suggested skipping the event. And, no, you don't have to go into detail to your friend that you're skipping it because of the couples aspect. Don't defend or justify your decisions, it's not necessary.
I also agree with the poster who suggested you should try to start finding single friends who you will have more in common with as you get older. There isn't any guarantee that you'll EVER find a romantic partner, and you have to learn to be happy as a single person. Being around couples all the time will cause you a lot of unrest and unhappiness, you will always feel rotten about yourself after being around them and you will get dragged into a lot of conversations about your lack of partner (which is really no one's business).
I agree that longer term couples often have a lack of understanding on this. I've been part of couples interspersed with times unattached. I understand all sides of the equation.
When single and unattached, I have explained my point of view, and when explaining my point of view, I have achieved understanding. It hasn't impacted my friendships with attached people while unattached. When attached, I'll be present with attached people. When not attached, I don't want to be there.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,737,988 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan
Yes. It's crazy to think you should have to change friendships due to your or their relationship status.
How exactly would that work? You ditch all your coupled friends, because they're of no value to you unless their romantic life constantly mirrors yours? You find singles, and then start ditching them as they get into relationships, and resume the friendships if they're single again? If you get into a relationship, do you then reach out to the people you ditched previously, to try and be their friends again?
How would you possibly have a relationship with anyone at all then? The world does not work that way.
In my experience, the coupled friends will slow fade you as their relationship gets serious. It is a more natural motion but it definitely happens.
Can I remind everyone the OP stated she really didn’t like this friend at this time? I would advise against wasting time and energy on supporting someone she does not really like now anyway.
My niece found herself in the same place as you, and she was the odd man out with her friends. She just played it cool and kept her standards high.
She ran into a guy she went to high school with. He's tall, handsome and has a son halfway thru college--single Dad. And he is also a great cook.
My niece has a son that may be going into college next year and her daughter just got out of college in NYC. Maybe marriage is in her future, but for now she's hanging in the place enjoying life.
I hope you can do the same. Keep your standards in friends high, and someone will come along.
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