Do you keep long time friends/acquaintance that you know something's going on?

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by anononcty

Do you bother with long time friends or acquaintances that you know there is 'something' going on or is off with things like chronic unemployment yet expensive cars, clothing and lifestyle or other 'issues' that just don't seem to go away or change. At times it's like they just see you for current/ future favors or to gripe about others. It's been the same old story every time you see them.

No, I don't bother with them. I notice there tends to be a pretty sharp separation from those who basically have their act together and those who don't by the time people hit their early 30s. Sometimes if you're single, these folks can still be lingering in your life into your early 40s if you don't fade / cut them out. I know I had a person like this in my life and I just got tired of watching him repeat the similar kinds of dramas over and over again. I should have cut him out sooner. But superficially he was fun, etc. But after listening to too many depressing phone conversations with no positive impact on his life, I had to let go, especially when this person only grudgingly admitted (when prodded) their own role in the dramas they created. Part of the reason why I held on was my own ego, I think.

Originally Posted by anononcty

But after a certain point is there that friend or acquaintance where little has changed over the decades and yet in your life you've paid off a mortgage, got promoted, a raise and/or about the celebrate the birth of your grandchildren and yet they are like a recent high school graduate wondering what to do with their life.

Yep.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by anononcty

Do you bother with long time friends or acquaintances that you know there is 'something' going on or is off with things like chronic unemployment yet expensive cars, clothing and lifestyle or other 'issues' that just don't seem to go away or change. At times it's like they just see you for current/ future favors or to gripe about others. It's been the same old story every time you see them.


But after a certain point is there that friend or acquaintance where little has changed over the decades and yet in your life you've paid off a mortgage, got promoted, a raise and/or about the celebrate the birth of your grandchildren and yet they are like a recent high school graduate wondering what to do with their life.

You're just griping about others too tho? IMO....if you feel "something is going on"...like they are getting their money by committing crimes....no, I wouldn't continue to be friends with them. BUT I wouldn't talk about them either..............

If they are real friends.......it's more important you support or try to help them emotionally IMO....not with money. Shouldn't you feel some kinda empathy if you have had success & your friend has not? I know I would............

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by anononcty

And 'that' is the difference. Those I can accept for who they are.



It's those that always seem to be working an angle or talking about their 'plans'. One person I know likes to talk about 'business' or their financial woes in hope or with the expectation that one will voluntarily offer up financial assistance. They've even lost friends trying to work their parents for money with a 'business proposition'.


I will say this person's peer group is constantly changing frequently around the time many events mentioned in the op happen to others. In other words the peers they hung out with in their youth moved on/grew up. They didn't. He's actually gets scared when he finds out myself or others ran into their old friends wonder what was said. They travel on a very crafted image. Many see through it but others don't.

My ex brother in law was kind of like this. Out of 3 boys, he was the oldest, but also the least responsible. Had drug problems as long as I knew him. When he was in his 30's, he got busted for selling cocaine to an undercover agent. Never did any jail time, but his girlfriend/fiancé spent big money for a good lawyer.


He and girlfriend eventually get married (they'd been together since 9th grade.) Buy a house, and eventually, she gets pregnant, and they have a baby boy. One day, he leaves baby in his pumpkin seat, in front of the TV, while he goes to get some liquor. Wife comes home unexpectedly, baby is crying in pumpkin seat, dad no where to be found. She leaves him, they divorce.


Then he got a girlfriend about 15 years younger than him. Now think about it...what kind of girlfriend do you get, when you're a derelict? Not a prize. I can tell you that.


They eventually break up, one kid later. THEN he used to hang out in college bars, and brag about all the young girls there who would hit on him and hang out with him. Would always post pictures of himself with some buxom pretty bar maid or whatever. Well heck, if you're buying, SURE girls will hang around. He was Good Time Charlie.


Now...I don't know what he's up to. I know he goes back and forth from Illinois (where one of his brothers lives) to Florida, where my ex husband lives. I suppose he crashes with them.

[Lodestar]

I am cursed with a very high set of standards. But I'm the only one who has to meet them; not others. I just know that if I don't follow my values system I don't feel very good about myself.

In connections with others the one thing that I know is a must for me is equality in give and take. And I'm not talking bout material things because I give gifts without expectations and I never involve money in my relationships. Learned that through a hard lesson a long time ago. I mean in effort put into the relationship - listening, caring, being there when I need them. Those are the things I need equality in and which I will also give.

I have had friends with whom I thought "something was going on" and it usually signals they have problems. I keep good boundaries abut those things and stay out of it. I like to think I stand by, perhaps from a distance, as someone they may eventually reach out to when they are ready for help. I know a wide range of referrals for people who need help.

Then when someone is ready to clean up their mess I'll be there to support. They key for me to be able to do this is in avoiding getting tangled up in the mess. LOL